Events are eventing fast and furious all over Bon Temps and Jackson, MI. It's like the Super Bowl, Hurricane Katrina, the Gay Rights parade, and an NRA convention are all happening at once. Lots of storylines this week, very busy episode.
And away we go...!
Storyline A - The One With Sookie In It
Sookie's awake in her hospital bed but she's not quite herself. She and Bill are breaking up again. This one smells like it might last at least through the weekend. Sookie comes out with the old She can never forgive. Bill comes out with the old It's not you, it's me, I'm dead. He has a point. It's taken more than two and a half seasons, but Sookie is starting to realize that dead is dead.
Jason and Andy come to call. Jason wants Sookie to press charges against Bill, at least a restraining order. Sookie tells Jason to stop drinkin' the hate-orade.
Sookie's catching some rays. Tara comes over to reminisce with Sookie about her and Sookie's idyllic childhood, and give Sookie a healthy ration of crap. They've both been through some very trying times. Sookie tells Tara that it's over between her and Bill. Tara calls Sookie a dumb bitch. Where's the love? The love shows up in the form of Alcide - flannel-shirted, but at least it's daytime - waiting to take a ride on the Sookie-Go-Round. He and Sookie are just two lonely hearts looking for their shot at the brass ring. Alcide takes off - his sister Janice's hairdressing salon got torched by a couple of vengeful weres - and he's got to take care of his sister and give Sookie time to miss him. They're just a couple of big dumb dumped mopes. She bounces back fast, our Sookie. Unfortunately for Alcide, he's the rebound guy. Doesn't stand a chance.
Sookie has many hobbies, but scrapbooking is not one of them. She's flipping through the pages of her photo album, but there's really no need. Only the first page has anything on it. Cousin Hadley comes a-knockin', lookin' for Gran. Hadley must've missed all of Season 1. Hadley comes bearing a message from Eric: Russell is coming, and don't trust Bill. Sookie was all over one of those, and the other left her feeling like a wet paper sack.
What the scrapbook didn't do for Sookie, a twelve gauge shotgun does; namely, give her a sense of security. Like a heavy blue steel rack-slide teddy bear. Funny thing about shotguns: They're only good if you 1. Know how to use them, which Sookie does, and B. Be willing to use them, which Sookie is not. Alcide's ex, Debbie, shows up at Sookie's house accompanied by a couple of werewolves. That Debbie...she's a sly one. She sent in the wolves to distract Bill while she goes after Sookie. Bill and Jessica pop in and take on the weres. Debbie disarms Sookie and they get to cat-fighting upstairs. Jessica takes off after one of the escaping weres, right into Russell's arms. Bill comes to Jessica's aid, but he stands no chance against Russell. On that note, let's move right along to...
Storyline B -The One With Bill In It
Bill is all bloody-weepy over breaking up with Sookie. He's got a whole weekend free with nothing to do until those two crazy kids get back together. However will he spend his extra time? First, he kicks Jessica out (It's not you, it's me, I'm no good.), but she don't wanna leave. So, with no other choice he teaches Jessica vampire-jitsu and how to move all fast-like. She's pining over Hoyt - she loves the big lug - so they both have plenty of pent-up energy. Move over Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. Nobody puts Jessica in a corner. That vampire-jitsu comes in handy right off, too. At least for Jessica.
Storyline C - The One With Sam In It
Sam didn't have a whole lot to do this week. He sniffed the air a few times like Joey from Friends used to do when he wanted to look pensive. Sam's keeping a watchful on his half-brother Tommy when mom Melinda comes calling, naked (she came over as her canine self), looking for tacky clothes, cheap luggage and some cash. Lucky for her, Sam's good for all three. He even throws in a Get lost, Bee-yotch for free. Sam does get some camera time when Crystal's dad and fiancé come to Merlotte's looking for her. Sam gives them the bum's rush, but not before Tommy lifts his leg on them.
Storyline D- The One With Lafayette and Tara In It
Lafayette is just chillin' with Tara. She's not quite ready to talk about what happened to her (kidnap, rape, murder). But at least she's fighting to stay alive, even if she is dreaming about hot naked vampire sex in the shower. Tara's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She needs to talk with Terry. Terry's busy singing to Arlene's and his (at least he supposes it's his) unborn child. Arlene's freaking out, imagining that it's serial killer Rene all snuggled up with her, singing off-key to the wee fetus. Lafayette's mom shows up unannounced, and Jesus shows up shortly thereafter. Jesus wants to take Ruby Jean back to the hospital. She's all jacked up and waving a knife about. He speaks Loonie, but with a Hispanic accent. He's good at his job, and it's mere moments before he and Ruby Jean are watching Wopner. Jesus and Lafayette get something straight between them in the soft warm glow of People's Court.
Storyline E - The One With Jason In It
Jason hardly wears a shirt the entire episode. At first, he wants to Kill Bill Uma-style, but with his limited attention span he soon turns his attentions to Crystal. Jason's Crystal-mooning is made even easier when she shows up at his door asking for his truck. And whiskey. There's two things that Jason loves and his truck is one of them. The other is in front of him asking for his truck. And whiskey. That's a nice dress, Jason says, and it sure would look good on my bedroom floor. Crystal obliges, and they get rug burns over some very sensitive bits of their anatomies.
Storyline F - The One with Russell And Eric In It
Russell is now - thanks to last week's quickie-style marriage to Sophie-Anne - the king of Louisiana and Mississippi. Sophie is moving in to Russell's place, much to Talbot's chagrin. Debbie snarks to Russell that she wants ree-venge on Sookie. For a gay vampire king, Russell sure has more than his fair share of women problems. Eric catches Hadley in very flattering scant attire and orders her to take a message to Sookie. Talbot is smashing the knick-knacks in a righteous fit of hissy. He's about to smash Eric's father's crown, but Eric intercedes, taking the crown from Talbot, and Talbot from Russell. The boys are going to have some quality time. Russell and Debbie and some weres make a surprise appearance at Sookie's while Eric and Talbot play shirtless chess. Eric gets Talbot on all fours, catches him with his pants down so to speak, and plunges a fine how-do-you-do right into Talbot. That's not a euphemism. Eric stakes Talbot right as Russell is whomping the tar out of Bill. Russell senses Talbot's demise and jump/flies away, leaving Bill in the dust.
Storyline G - The One Where Sookie And Bill Get Back Together And Do It
Yeah, like we didn't see that coming. That's what she said. Bah dum dum.