All right, I admit it. I'm dizzy. This episode jumped around more than epileptic bunnies in a sizzling griddle. With all apologies to my old Lost blog pal, Bunnylover.
I'm going to try something new with this review. I'm going to stick with a single storyline, instead of replaying the episode scene by scene. This episode was too hip-hoppy jump around. Positively frenetic. I know that's what they were going for, but, still... Let's get to it!
Storyline A - The One With Sookie In It
Lorena's got Sookie pinned to the wall, her fangs in Sookie's jugular. Lorena stops after a couple of sips and looks at Sookie admiringly. "You're delicious. What are you?" Echoing Bill's words from the first time he met Sookie. Bill finally mans up just enough to pull Lorena off Sookie. He pulls Lorena down on top of himself giving Sookie some prime staking real estate. Sookie gleefully obliges, plunging a nearby pointy 2 x 2 into Lorena's chest, turning her into a big wet crimson stain. Bill passes out. Wuss. Tara and Alcide show up with a panel van. As they roll Sleepy Bill up into a tarp, to protect him from the sun, Crazy Debbie, Alcide's ex-girlfriend shows up. She's all of a sudden taking her guard duties seriously. But our heroes out-smart her, toss Sookie and Vampire Burrito Bill into the back of the van, and burn rubber, werewolf guards nipping at the exhaust.
In the back of the van, Bill isn't responding to Sookie's squealing and caterwauling. She opens a vein, shoves it in Bill's mouth, and he slurps greedily, a little too greedily, all but draining Sookie. Alcide pulls the van over so he can take a quick roadside leak, and Tara goes back to check on Sookie. She pops open the back of the van. Sookie is covered in blood, but Bill's feeling pretty frisky. You would think the sun would get Bill to smoking and ash-ifying, but you would be wrong. Bill does not flash-fry. He is in the sun and he's pretty much okay. Draining Sookie seems to have given him an interesting side effect.
Tara and Alcide rush Sookie to the ER. The doctors try to give her a blood transfusion, but her body rejects it. Sookie, it turns out, has no blood type. Jason shows up, having been called by Tara. Sookie's never been sick, never even been in a hospital. She was born at home. Comatose Sookie goes all bright white light dream sequence.
Sookie's at a water nymph garden party orgy. I really don't know how else to describe it. Buncha hot chicks in scant clothing dancing and prancing around a pond. The lead nymph, Claudine, gives Sookie some refreshing pond water, and they dance the dance of water nymph garden party joy. Lights go out, and all the happy little nymphs and nymph-ettes belly flop into the pond. Sookie can't swim so she stays behind.
Bill suddenly appears at Sookie's bedside the way that Bill does, all of a sudden like, and gets a chilly reception from Tara, Jason, Lafayette, and Alcide. I can help, Bill says. Sookie needs to drink my blood. Mighty big of him after draining Sookie. Jason says, Okay, go ahead. Bill opens a vein, puts it to Sookie's mouth, she drinks, wakes, looks at Bill, and screams like only Sookie can. Good Lord, but that girl's got some lungs.
Storyline B - The One With Sam In It
Sam's looking for the local dog fights. He drives up a dirt road (keep it clean...this is a family blog) only to find a strung out Jed Clampett (thanks, hon) wanna-be, rocking and whittling and packing a shotgun. Jed turns Sam away, but not for long. Sam does the old drive-away-but-come-back-another-way trick. He shape-shifts into a handsome pit bull and goes looking for the fights. Another Jed Clampett wanna-be finds him and leads pit bull Sam to the kennel club. Sam shifts back to human, knocks Jed 2 out, steals his clothes, pit (bull) stains and all. Sam finds Joe Lee and Melinda ringside. There's a dog in the ring that looks suspiciously like Tommy getting his dog butt handed to him. Sam pulls the cops-are-coming alarm, and everybody scatters like a bunch of rednecks at a dogfight when the cops are coming. Or redneck cockroaches when the light comes on. The similarities are eerily similar. Sam gives Parents of the Year nominees Melinda and Joe Lee an earful and he and Tommy take off.
Storyline C - The One With Jason In It
Jason's depressed. Or at least he would be if he were smart enough. He's got it bad for Crystal. Shirtless roomie Hoyt tells Jason to go talk to that drug dealer that Jason captured. He's sure to know something about Crystal. Hoyt's girlfriend Summer, or should I say the girl who's Hoyt's friend who wants to be his girlfriend, shows up with a plate of homemade biscuits (looked a lot like Grands to me) and a jar of homemade preserves. Jason nibbles on her biscuits (keep it clean...we talked about that) and says she's gunna make a fine grandmother some day. I'm not sure how big a compliment that is, or even if it is a compliment, but Summer seemed okay with it.
Jason goes to the Sherriff's station to convo with the drug dealer. The dealer will swap Crystal 411 for some Crystal. Meth, that is. Jason goes to the only person he knows from whom he can score some meth. That would be Lafayette. Lafayette's out of that line of work, at least as far as Jason is concerned, and that's when Jason gets the phone call about Sookie.
Storyline D - The One With Eric and Russell and Sophie-Anne In It
Eric has Sophie-Anne caged like a go-go dancer. He brings in her tasty little human pet,
Patsy Hadley. Maybe it's just me, but she reminded me an awful lot of Sookie, blond hair, heaving bosoms and all. Eric tells Sophie that he's going to drain Patsy Hadley unless Sophie-Anne confesses why she wants Sookie so badly. Sophie-Anne says go right ahead, thinking that Eric won't. But he does. Seems like Sophie would know Eric better than that. I mean, we do. He sucks at Patsy's Hadley's neck like a teen-ager after prom and I swear I heard Patsy Hadley say something like she's Sookie's cousin. Then Patsy Hadley whispered something something in Eric's ear, and Eric looks at Sophie-Anne and says, I wasn't expecting that. Expecting what? Yeah, like they're gunna tell us any time soon.
The Magister is torturing Pam with some nice sterling silver earrings from Tiffany's. It's not that she doesn't like them, it's just that he's going to put them in her eyelids. Ouch. Eric shows up with Sophie-Anne in tow. He confesses that he was the one responsible for all the V-dealing in his district, but that he did it on Sophie's orders. The Magister is quite pleased to hear this, and he's just about to arrest them - or do whatever it is that Vampire Magisters do to Vampire V-peddlers - when Russell shows up. Russell has had it up to here with the Magister and the vampire oversight committee known as The Authority. Clever name that. In a blink of an eye, Russell frees Pam and places the Magister in her silver-chained place. Russell tortures the magister in a fit of whimsy, then forces the Magister to pronounce he and Sophie-Anne husband and wife, king and queen. Then he slices the Magister's head off. Hey, he wasn't using it any more.