Holy crap. (Thank you Frank Barone.)
I thought last week's episode was great, but this week's episode took a running leap at great and pole vaulted right over it. Last week's episode was very gay friendly. This week's episode trotted out some serious hetero eye candy.
Let's do the deed!
Storyline A- The One With Sookie And Bill In It
Sookie's nekkid. In the shower. Nekkid in the shower. Yowsuh. She's cleaning up after her marathon make-up sex session with Bill, so needless to say there's a significant amount of various bodily fluids that require rinsing off. I ask the question: When vampires ejaculate, what comes out? Dust? Like Hugh Hefner? Sorry, I Digress. Bill joins her in the shower, and Sookie's water bills go through the roof. No wonder she runs funny. Eventually they come out of the shower and Sookie is perturbed - surprised is the wrong word as she's used to it by now - to find a dead naked were-body in her living room. Having gone to Tarps R Us, Sookie has a ready supply of cadaver-hauling tarps available. As they wrap up the body, Sookie asks Bill about why he's been keeping a secret file on her. Not having a Twix and needing a moment, Bill explains that he kept the file because he needed to know why Eric and Queen of Louisiana Sophie-Anne were so interested in Sookie. Good story, Bill. Otherwise it's just stalker-ish.
Daytime. Sookie's going through her scrapbooks again. Gran (or Jason) must've worked on this one because there's actually photos and clippings in it. Sookie comes across an old newspaper clipping describing how her father was a hero at a local fire. The article describes her father's "sixth sense," and that's why he happened to be in the right place at the right time. It doesn't explain if he saw dead people who don't know they're dead, or stupid people who don't know they're stupid. But if Sookie's father had the ESP, he most definitely stayed away from spooky hotels in Colorado in the off-season. So there definitely appears to be some kind of extra-sensory talent in the Stackhouse bloodlines. Jason has yet to display any innate abilities, but hey, we're only in Season 3.
Sookie's cousin Hadley calls up and they make plans to meet at the aquarium. Hadley explains to Sookie that she had gotten "involved" with Sophie-Anne and spilt her guts about Sookie's mind-reading abilities. That is why Sophie-Anne and Eric are so interested in Sookie. Hadley has another reason for wanting to meet up with Sookie. Hadley has a son, and she wants to know if her son has the Shining. He does, so it's head for the hills time for Hadley and Hunter. Hadley was a veerry nice piece of eye candy that we did not get nearly enough of. She will be sorely missed. I find it hard to believe that Sophie-Anne will let her go as easily as Alan Ball, but for now she's gone.
While Sookie is aquarium-ing with Hadley, Bill is sleeping. Sookie's manic love-making has drained him. In more ways than one. Well, at least he would be sleeping if he weren't getting dripped on. At first I thought he was sleeping under the porch like a old hound dog and somebody was peeing on him, but no, he's sleeping under Sookie's dream water nymph pond. I know, weird, but he is. He opens up the trap door to find himself in daylight. Sookie's nymph friend Claudine think Bill has killed Sookie, but Bill says no, she just smells funny. Claudine accuses Bill of wanting to steal Sookie's light then she white-light-flashes Bill. What are you?, Bill asks.
By the end of the episode, Bill has the answer. Talking with Sookie, they finally put all the pieces together: Sookie's bloodline, Eric and Sophie-Anne's interest in Sookie, Hadley's connection to Sophie-Anne, nymphs, white light flashy thing. But we will have to wait until at least next week because now we get to...
Storyline B - The One With Eric In It
Eric's been very naughty. Selling V, buggering and staking Talbot, involved up to eyeballs in the murder of the Magister. Nan Flanagan, the face of the Vampires Are People Too league, is bringing in the V-Feds. They're going to get to the bottom of all these shenanigans and they don't care whose face they have to silver to do it. Eric and Pam are going to hide out in a human's house but Nan finds them in Fangtasia before they can get gone. She wants a statement (on webcam, for the Authority) from Eric describing his recent activities. Eric sings like a blood-sucking canary on a silver perch. He gives the full rundown on his family's massacre and subsequent thousand-year search for Russell, how Russell beheaded the Magister, and how Russell has been giving vampire blood to werewolves so he can use them to subjugate humanity. I'll have a bit more on that later. Suffice to say, Nan is not smitten with Eric's load of BS. The Authority deliberates and makes a ruling: None of this ever happened, and Eric is on his own to make Russell go away. She just wants Russell's fangs for earrings. She is after all a snappy dresser who enjoys a warm soft naked thigh in the back of a limo as much as the next girl.
Storyline C- The One With Lafayette and Tara In It
Lafayette is happy. That's got to bode ill for Jesus. They're sharing a jug of ripple and admiring Jesus' jaguar tattoo. It's not really an Aztec thing (cool as hell), just a drunken high school mascot Tijuana misadventure (dorky and lame). Lafayette's mom, Ruby Jean, emerges from the bedroom wearing Lafayette's makeup and clothes. She does clean up very well. Jesus is taking her back to Shady Hills.
Tara is getting liquored up to help her forget her recent captivity/torture/wedding. We all know how well that works. Thanks, Sam, for supplying the booze. She ain't goin' to no shrink because she can't spill her guts to a licensed profession in private, but group therapy sure sounds like a winner. Nothing like telling your deepest darkest secrets to a roomful of strangers. And who's hosting the event? Why, it's Holly from Merlotte's. She seems to have mad people skills that one. Sam gets called away to investigate some very loud very curious "girl" noises in one of his flop houses (more on that later), so Tara is left to her own devices. Unfortunately for Tara, her own devices includes a very upset Franklin who is none too pleased to have gotten his skull caved in. He's about to off Tara when Jason shows up, double-barrel shotgun in hand. He laughs off the supposedly ineffective and is about to kill Jason AND Tara when Jason pulls the trigger and turns Franklin into a steaming pile of red goo. Twelve gauge wooden slugs in the load. Very clever.
Storyline D - The One With Sam and Tommy and the Loud Naked Girl In It
Sam's busy getting Tara all liquored up and dealing with moody waitresses (Arlene and Jessica). I don't know if Sookie counts as a waitress any more as she does not actually waitress any more. Even Sam's brother Tommy is ragging on the customers, mostly Hoyt for not treating Jessica better, and possibly even stealing tips. Sam gets a call from Terry, who still thinks that Arlene is carrying his baby and not serial killer Rene's baby, that there are some very vocal goings-on of a feminine sexual nature going on at the flop house next door, the flop house that Tommy is living in. Sam goes to check it out and maybe get his freak on. He finds a naked Tommy and a thonged Nicole sweaty, breathing heavy, and after-glowing. With Hadley seemingly off the show it sure would be nice if they'd leave Nicole around for a spell, but that doesn't seem likely. Sam tells them to keep the volume down. I didn't see a volume knob on Nicole. But I 'd be happy to look again. In slow motion and HD. Arlene meanwhile, has a teary heartfelt conversation with new waitress Holly about keeping the demon spawn child she's carrying. Holly implies that there are "other ways" to deal with evil children. I dunno...look how well that worked out for Gregory Peck and Lee Remick...
Merlotte's is really hopping. Hoyt brings in his current "girlfriend" Summer, who's into collecting dolls and antique-ing, to try to make Jessica jealous. I'm sorry, but in my world, antique is a noun, not a verb. Jessica apologizes to Hoyt for the ways she's treated him. They both agree that Summer is way too short for Hoyt (depends on which position they use I s'pose) and Jessica runs away crying that she can't be with him. That constantly re-generating hymen puts a damper on 33% of all their intimate fun.
Crystal's dad comes into the bar. He gives Sam some grief about the menu or the booze being watered down, or maybe it was about Crystal, and Sam busts a mug over his head and whomps the snot out of him. Jesus is in Merlotte's eating a veggie and bacon sammitch so, being a nurse, he agrees to take Crystal's dad to the hospital. Lafayette goes with Jesus because he just can't resist a man in scrubs. Unless it's Zach Braff. Right about then, Jason and Crystal drive up to Merlotte's, so Crystal insists on going o the hospital with her pa. He may smack her around a bit and make her cook meth and betroth her off when she's only four, but hey, he's still family.
Storyline E - The One With Jason and Crystal In It
Jason and Crystal get into a tussle with Crystal's boyfriend/fiancé. Crystal betrays Jason just long enough for her ex to turn his back on her. Bad move. Crystals whacks him upside the head, knocking him out. Jason goes to throw some handcuffs on him, but Crystal says no, use rope instead. Apparently the guy is like David Copperfield - the magician, not the Dickensian waif - when it comes to escaping handcuffs. They tie him to a tree and Jason calls 411. Crystal re-dials 911, and they leave a message about a guy tied to a tree with meth in his pocket. Next day and Jason is at the Sherriff's station. Seems the deputy they sent out last night to investigate a 911 call about a guy tied to a tree with meth in his pocket got ambushed by persons unknown and is now in the hospital. Jason pitches an idea to Andy to tie the meth-heads with the V-dealers. In one fell swoop he'll get rid of the local drug supply and Crystal's unwashed kinfolk and become the local hero. And, saving the best for last, we get to...
Storyline F - The One With Russell In It
Russell is grief-stricken and enraged. His beloved Talbot is staining the rug, and that hot mess will never come out. He notices that the crown in his trophy case is missing and knows that Eric is behind his huge cleaning bill. Russell does what any newly-widowed self-respecting homicidal gay vampire king would do: He breaks into the evening newscast and removes the anchor's spine on national television. With bloody spine in hand, Russell announces his manifesto to the world. Vampires don't want equal rights as vampires and humans are not equal much as lions and zebras are not equal. Looking square into the camera, Russell tells the human race, "We. Will. Eat. You." Then, his flair for the dramatic slaked, he turns it over to Tiffany for the weather.