This week was all over the place. Sookie and Bill and Eric (and Russell), Lafayette and Jesus, Sam and Tara, Arlene and Holly, Jason and Crystal... Seems like everybody had something to hide and something to learn, something to share and something to fear. But most of all it felt like there's only one week left in this season. How they're going to wrap up most - definitely not all, can't be done - of these storylines in only one hour is completely beyond me. So let's get to it!
First off, the episode started with a cool In Memorium looking back at all the friends we've lost over the last three seasons from Gran to Cooter to Rene to Lorena and even Tina the cat. I guess they figure if it's good enough for all the Ain't It Cool To Be Us awards shows it's good enough for this show.
Storyline A - The One With Sookie and Bill and Eric and Russell in it
Let's save this one for the end. It'll be like dessert.
Storyline B - The One With Lafayette and Jesus in it
Jesus and Lafayette are post V-trip afterglowing. Jesus thinks it was way cool seeing his ancestors like a psychodelic 3-D scrapbook. Lafayette was not nearly as enamored of the trip. He thought it was freaky as hell. Jesus wants to do it again like now. What's with that guy? Hasn't he ever heard of delayed gratification? They hug it out, but Lafayette sees a boo-scary voodoo death fright mask when he looks at Jesus and gives him the I'll call you speech. That's it for these two this week. Not much to gnaw on, but sets up for next season very well.
Storyline C - The One With Jason and Crystal in it
Jason is trying to come to grips that his new girlfriend has a little something extra hidden under the hood. And I'm not talking about a third breast (on the back, like for dancing. Thank you, Al Bundy.). We're talking about her were-panther-ness. Jason thought she was like maybe a shoplifter (cool) or a lawyer (icky) or something. I guess being a hot in-bred redneck meth-cooker isn't nearly as exciting and glamorous and interesting as it once was. Jason needs some space. And some time to cool off. He heads over to the Bon Temps football field to catch the new rising star QB, Kitch, who's flinging the pigskin better than Y. E. Tittle, Broadway Joe, Roger Staubach, and Bobby Douglas combined. Jason deduces (surprising mental effort for Jason) that Kitch is on V, and that's what's giving him this tremendous talent. Jason wants to narc Kitch out, but Kitch tells Jason that the school and his parents and his coach are all in on it. Jason's pissed because he played clean. Jason's also pissed because he wants to bang Kitch's girlfriend.
Storyline D - The One With Jessica and Hoyt (and Summer and Hoyt's mom) in it
Jessica and Hoyt have reached an understanding. Or should I say they've gotten something straight between them. Jessica's sitting on Hoyt's lap and they're making out like teen-agers because, well, they're teen-agers. Jessica confesses to Hoyt that she killed a trucker because she's a vampire and that's what vampires do. Hoyt tells Jessica that if she's going to drink the blood of under-educated blue collar working stiffs then she may as well drink him. So she does. Hoyt keeps pushing her head down, down, down...oh yeah baby that's the spot.
Summer, Hoyt's ex-girlfriend, is chatting with Hoyt's mom, Maxine. Neither of them seem able to grasp the fact that Hoyt prefers sex with an undead redheaded hottie to blonde Summer's antique-ing excursions. Summer even offered up her virginity to Hoyt (Maxine: "Idn't that sweet of you, honey.") , not knowing that Jessica's hymen grows back ad infinitum so Hoyt could bang a virgin every day if he so desires. Maxine must've missed the class session of Parenting 101 when they teach you that disapproving of your child's boyfriend or girlfriend is the surest way to drive them together. Looks like Maxine is going to invite Jessica over for a stake dinner.
Storyline E - The One With Merlotte's in it
Sam's restaurant/bar was really hopping this week so I'm just lumping everything and everyone into one big furball of activity. Sam was a complete d-bag this week. He comes into the bar drunk, pissing and moaning and whining and bitching at everything and everybody that moves. He calls his wait staff a bunch of bee-yotches. He calls Terry a shell-shocked loser. He fires his brother Tommy. He even kicks out all the patrons. BEFORE they pay their bills. Try to find that in your Restauranting For Dummies book.
Holly and Arlene are headed out into the deep dark woods Young Goodman Brown-style with a bunch of candles and herbs and salt to cast a spell to get Rene's baby out of Arlene so it doesn't go all Anakin-to-Darth. Arlene wakes up in bed the next morning looking like the horse's head scene in The Godfather. She thinks the baby is gone (sigh of relief), Terry thinks the baby's dead (wail of agony), but the doctor soon assures them both that the baby is alive and well.
Tara comes in, and she's a breath of fresh air. Unique for her. She first has it out with Sherriff Andy Bellefleur telling him that she know all about Eggs' shooting death, and that Andy is not only a dirty dirty (yup she said it twice) cop, but that he's a very naughty boy who needs a time-out. And this after Andy offered her his onion rings. Where's the gratitude?
Tara rides out Sam's temper tantrum and pity-party. They get liquored up together and get naked and sweaty. Bad timing on their part. Tommy takes advantage of their attention being elsewhere to break into San's safe. Tommy must not've seen in last week's episode what Sam does to people who steal from him.
And on that note, we return to...
Storyline A - The One With Sookie and Bill and Eric and Russell in it
Wowser. I did not see this coming. Big doings a-happening at Fangtasia this week. Grab some bench, get some salty crunchy snacks, pop open a cold one. This is a doozy.
Bill shows up at Fangtasia looking for Sookie. Pam tells him that Eric and Sookie are gone, maybe knocking knees somewhere because Sookie has had enough of Bill's shenanigans and wants her some speed-sexing. Bill tries to beat some sense into Pam but she whips out a can of silver mace and sprays him in the eyes. Right about then, downstairs in the dungeon, Yvetta is freeing Sookie because she's pissed at Eric for giving his windy shithole of a farm to Pam. Sookie and Yvetta come upstairs and render assistance to Bill who is getting his ass kicked yet again. They silver-chain Pam to the stripper pole and high-tail it out of there.
Eric shows up at Russell's manor. Russell is still toting Talbot, who now greatly resembles a thawed Slurpee, around in a crystal decanter that would look right at home in the winner's circle on the 18th green. Russell wants to know why Eric offed Talbot, so Eric spills his sob story to Russell's great amusement. Russell is about to end Eric but Eric explains about Sookie having fey blood and how it just might allow Russell to walk around in the daylight. Just what every megalomaniac vampire king desires.
Sookie and Bill are tootling along in Sookie's old Ford POS when right in front of them appear Russell and Eric. Russell stops the car like Hancock in front of the locomotive, and they all head over to Fangtasia for story time and bloodletting. Russell is delighted to hear that Sookie is descended from fairies. He's thought they were long gone. But he's not quite buying Eric's story about the whole fairy blood day-walking thing, so he makes Eric go first. Eric drinks from Sookie and goes outside. He does not ash-ify. He smolders and smokes lightly, but he maintains. Russell soon joins him outside to his complete astonishment. But that astonishment doesn't last for long. Eric slips on some handcuffs and the two of them await the true death.
The season finale is two weeks away on September 12. So hang in there. It's going to be lots of fun.