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True Blood: Beautifully Broken - Review

Happy Fathers Day!

Here's a couple of articles you may want to read.

How'dja like to find out why Alexander "Eric Northman" Skarsgard likes to get and be naked?

Not my cup of tea, but hey, to each his or her own.

And if you'd like to know how Stephen "Bill Compton" Moyer found out his lovely fiancee Anna "Sookie" Paquin swings both ways...not that there's anything wrong with here.

As you recall from last week's episode, Bill is strolling through the deep dark woods. Why he's not doing that vampire speed-walking thing we do not know. One can only assume grandmother's house is not on the itinerary. He finds himself surrounded by werewolves and makes quick work of several of them, saving one tasty ear for later. The King of Mississippi, in full fox-hunting garb, comes trotting up, or was that a canter?, and calls off his dogs. Literally. One of them fails to heel with the right amount of timeliness and subservience so his Highness pops a silver cap in his ass. Woulda served as an abject lessons for the rest of the hounds but, well, they were all already dead. Turns out he's the guy who wanted Bill kidnapped, not Eric as I thought last week, as my friend Will pointed out to me.

Lafayette busts in the bathroom door to stop Tara downing pills. He gives Lettie Mae an earful...a bust in the chops might've been more effective, and he fireman-carries Tara out to the car to get her suicide wanna-be ass to the hospital.

Sookie's chatting with Eric, asking him if he knows anything about Operation: Werewolf. Eric denies any knowledge whatsoever about it, denying even recognizing the runic scar. Perhaps if Eric had watched the True Blood Postmortem he would've known that that symbol was part of Hitler's plan for world domination. That and attacking Russia in winter. Sookie really wants to find Bill, and Eric's casualness drives her to tears. God help the cop who pulls her over for speeding if her weepiness is so effective it makes Eric look as though he just watched an Ol' Yeller marathon. Cue flashback...

Augsburg, Germany, 1945. An American G.I. bursts into a house. There's a girl crying. He offers her his coat. She changes into a werewolf and has some throat for dinner. Two SS officers suddenly appear. One is Eric, the other is Godric, Eric's maker who went to the sun last season. Eric pulls the wolf-girl off the G.I. (just a tad late there, Eric), and pins her to the wall with the soldier's bayonette. Lifting her hair off her neck reveals the Op: WW rune.

Bill and King trot on up to Tara, the plantation, not the suicidal bartender. Bill is to be a special guest, his leaving privileges revoked. The King says enigmatically to his thin, neat, and sexually ambiguous interior decorator, "We may need to bring in the girl..."

Lafayette and Tara are driving around after visiting the hospital, and Tara's feeling much better now having re-decorated the side of Lafayette's car. They have a bit of a heart-to-heart when Lafayette tells Tara there's something he has to show her.

Poor Hoyt. He's still got it bad for Jessica, but due to one thing or another, specifically an unexplainable corpse in her sleepy-bye place, she ain't having him. The Holiday Five-Pack of True Blood notwithstanding, he shoulda scored a little somethin'-somethin' just for being

Sookie's at home, enjoying the solitude and the darkness and the eerie shadows when a figure ambles up behind her. Sookie quickly spins and drives a knee in the creeper's groinacological region. The creeper turns out to be Jason, who's still reeling from his ménage a trois gone south. A late night snack goes a long way towards rectifying temporary impotence. They briefly discuss how each of them contributed towards Eggs' demise without revealing anything too important, relevant, or incriminating.

Sam is in full sleeping-while-stalking mode when he finds a double-barrel shotgun pointed at this head. Now that's one hell of an alarm clock. His pal Tommy from the garage escorts Sam into the house and wakes up Mom and Dad. I wish he'd've let them sleep in a little longer or wake up a little more because they come into the living room in their soiled grey under-dunders, and that's a sight I coulda done without. Sam asks, "Remember me? Thirty-four years ago?" Dad scratches his privates and belches.

Sookie shows up at Merlotte's ready for her shift. She mind-hears some creepy thoughts, looks over into the woods, and sees a hulking threatening figure lurking in the murky misty shadows. They sure do seem to have an extraordinary number of murky misty shadowy places in Bon Temps. Terry joins her and they go looking for said creeper. All that's left is some footprints, some empty size10 biker boots, and some wolf prints. For the first time since coming home, Terry's tours of duty in Viet Nam come in damn handy. Recon! Terry gives Sookie his kitchen gun. He'd much prefer it if she din't get kilt. As do we. Put a mighty big damper on the whole show.

Lafayette takes Tara to the local loony bin. Ensconced therein is Lafayette's mom, Ruby Jean Reynolds. Ruby Jean's elevator don't quite make it to the penthouse, and boy she sure don't like Mexicans, especially Jesus, her attendant. Lafayette wants Tara to understand that she's got what it takes to make it in this mean ol' world. She says she gets it, but color me dubious.

Detective Andy Bellefleur is giving a hero's press conference, giving his side of the Eggs killing. I'm sure it's much easier with teleprompters, but Andy does okay until he sees Jason at the back of the crowd. They go to lunch. Eggs anybody? Andy is Jason's new bestest buddy.

Sam and his new (old?) family have a sit down with some sweet tea. Mom says she had to give him up to the Merlotte's. At least Sam had a good life until his 15th birthday, unlike new brother Tommy who had a warm bowl of crap for his entire childhood. Sam and Tommy work things out over a 1959 Plymouth Grand Fury - the car in Christine by Stephin King - and then they take off all their clothes, shape-shift to a collie and a pit bull, and go for a run. Watch out for that car, Sam! Whoopsie...too late...

Jessica needs a chainsaw to get rid of her smelly corpse. There ain't enough Glade on the planet to cover that stink. She finds his wallet and takes the money. Hey, he ain't gunna need it. Jessica rents her a chainsaw, but the corpse disappears before she can put it to good use. Of its own volition? We do not know.

A strange pair of boots walks around Bill's deserted house. A strange pair of hands, one can only assume are somehow connected to the strange pair of boots, rifles through Bill's underwear drawer, molesting and fingering seams and not really. I made that last part up. There's a whole bunch of pictures and articles about one Sookie Stackhouse. He/she/it/we discover that Sookie was the Bon Temps Spelling Bee Champ as a child. One wonders if someone who can read minds could have legitimately won a Spelling Bee, but I digress.

Suddenly Eric appears on Sookie's porch and we go to...

Augsburg, Germany, 1945. Eric and Godric are interrogating the werewolf girl. They want to know, "Is it safe?" and "Who's your master?" The girl swaps the information for some vampire blood saying, "He's one of you."

Back to present time, Bon Temps, Sookie's porch. Eric grabs Sookie by the throat and tells her to invite him in. She grudgingly invites him in, but just a wee but late as a large glowing-red-eyed wolf appears on Sookie's porch looking for Grandma, a picnic basket, three little pigs, and a Sookie sandwich. Not necessarily in that order.

Bill meanwhile is dining well at the King's table. Blood quiche, blood bisque made from Thai boy, blood pudding, and a saucy blood sauce made from, yup, you guessed it, blood. The King is flattering Bill in that soupy smooth Southern Vampire king way that they do, and Bill tries to out-Obi-Wan the king by saying, "I am not the vampire you are looking for. I may go about my business." The king ain't buying what Bill is selling. He threatens Sookie, and they get into a Whose fangs are bigger? contest. Bill loses.

Terry is still trying to smooth things out with Arlene, the redheaded pregnant, cinnamon-chili smelling waitress. But she's too busy hurling with the morning sickness to truly appreciate his Top 10 List of Why Terry Is Safe To Leave With Children. An intriguing stranger shows up at the bar and talks with Tara. Please allow me to paraphrase...

Intriguing Stranger: How you doin'?
Tara: I ain't dead yet.
Intriguing Stranger: That makes one of us.

In other words, he's a vampire.

Slow pan down to intriguing stranger's boots. They are the same boots that strolled through Bill's house. Those same boots come to Tara's aid as she's drinking out in the parking lot when a couple of rednecks start insulting her Southern womanhood. Boots holds the redneck while Tara beats the living snot out of the guy. Probably when she gets tired she'll hold the redneck and Boots will take a turn de-snotting the guy.

Jason is all liquored up so Andy gives him a ride home. On the way, Andy gets a call and has to take Jason to a crime scene. Possible Cat In Tree or Meth Lab...the dispatcher was not entirely sure. So Andy takes Jason to the scene. As Andy approaches, the perp takes off for parts unknown. Right about then, Jason sees a cute girl in a tight dress in the misty murky shadows (See? I told you...) and Old Jason Is Back. He chases after her, but she disappears. Jason turns to see the perp running way, so he takes off after him and brings him down Bon Temps High School football-style.

Back at the King's all night diiner and bait shop, Bill is untying his belt and wishing he was wearing sweatpants when who shows up but Bill's maker Lorena.(Hope I got it right this time.) Bill picks up a lantern, flings it at her head, and sets her afire. Usually, guy's'll light a hundred dollar bill to show off how rich they are, but Bill's cut from a different cloth.

Posted by Randy Welk on June 20, 2010 10:55 PM
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