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True Blood: Beyond Here Lies Nothin'

True Blood Season 2 comes to a close with at least four cliffhangers firmly in place. The episode fairly well rocked the Kasbah, and Sookie Stackhouse creator Charlaine Harris appeared in a nice little cameo. No bulls were harmed in the filming of this episode. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about ostrich eggs. Let's get to recappin'!

As has become this show's trademark, this episode picks up right where the last episode (from two weeks ago - damn that was a long two weeks) left off. Sookie is in her house that Maryann & Co. have taken over. Tara and Eggs are building a cuckoo crazy-big nest with a stupid big egg ensconced in it. Lafayette joins the egg party and tells Sookie to get nekkid. Since Anna Paquin has no problem with flaunting her nudidity (God bless her pea-pickin' little heart), Sookie complies and is quickly down to her skivvies. Lafayette hands her a white sacrificial-looking gown, Sookie puts it on like Jessica Lange in King Kong, and It's time to get this party started. Maryann now has her full complement of bridesmaids about her with Sookie as Maid of Honor.

Hoyt's mom Maxine pulls her crawdad and frogs' eyes casserole out of the oven and tries to head over to the Bon Temps Pot Luck Sacrifice and Wedding. But Hoyt's outsmarted her (really not all that difficult) and prevents her going out. A little parent/child role reversal going on. Maxine gonna get herself a spanking.

Maryann is discussing the wedding plans with her newly anointed MoH. Sookie is apparently "beyond human" whatever that means, and Maryann's fiancé is The God Who Comes. He just doesn't come on time. Like good wives everywhere, Maryann is ponying up a wedding gift/sacrifice for her betrothed; to wit, Sam's heart. According to Maryann, Supernatural Hearts = Food of the Gods, and Sookie = Sam Bait. IOW, with Sookie being held captive and her life in danger, Sam is sure to come to her rescue. Maryann apparently missed the whole rescue-less saga of Sookie's captivity in the Newlin's basement. Bill sure left her hanging in the lurch, and it was finally God "Here Comes The Sun" Ric and Eric who freed Sookie.

Speaking of Eric, he's still playing Yahtzee with Sophie-Anne. Since they play to five million, her games tend to last just slightly longer than the male-perceived duration of any movie on Lifetime. What Sophie-Anne knows is that Sookie is more than human in some indescribable and inedible way. What Sophie-Anne DOESN'T know is the difference between maenads and gorilla shit. I do, Sophie-Anne not so much. Furthermore, she is the one responsible for Eric forcing Lafayette to sell V-juice. Cue Season 3 Cliffhanger # 1. And oh yeah, by the way, Eric sucks at jugulars AND Yahtzee.

Andy and Jason arrive just in time to get black oily eyed, and that puts to bed the mystery of Why Isn't Andy Susceptible? Gotta tell ya, I almost called Encyclopedia Brown, the Hardy Boys AND Nancy Drew in on that one. But before Jason goes under, he tells Andy, This town needs an enema! Or maybe that was Jack Nicholson in Batman. Either way, it works.

Sam and Bill come to an understanding. If Sam will sacrifice himself, Bill and Sookie can live happily ever after. Sam's got a wee bit of a problem with this scenario, but hey, gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.

Speaking of eggs (lower case common noun, not upper case proper noun), the oversized omelet-wannabe takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. The black oily eyed revelers take turns licking it like it was a hallucinogenic frog. Maryann will kill Jason if Sookie doesn't get into the wedding spirit and I mean like now. They march outside to the off-key strains of a fifth grade orchestra's rendition of Here Comes The Bride. Bill tosses Sam into the melee like a bouncer evicting an unruly patron, and Maryann invokes her gods.

It's mere moments before Sam is trussed up and tied to the sacrificial stretcher. Eggs plunges the dagger into Sam's chest. Maryann dabs a bit of Sam's blood on her throat like it's White Linen, and that's Sookie's cue to go all Maryann on Maryann. Sookie smashes the over-sized egg and topples Maryann's meat sculpture. Maryann is not nearly as amused as an other-worldly being might be at such happenings, and she plunges her hands into the earth where they transform into the back-gouging talons we've seen used on Sookie and Maryann. Sookie knows a good exit cue when she sees one and skee-daddles.

Maryann pursues and is about to tickle Sookie's innards when a magnificent Brahman bull clip-clops into the scene. Maryann is convinced this bull is her god, so she sidles up to it and tries to coochie coochie its muzzle. But the bull ain't having it, and gores Maryann repeatedly like she's a woefully inadequate rodeo clown. The bull morphs into Sam (I think we all kinda sorta saw that coming, well, except for Maryann), and as Sam removes his hand from Maryann's chest, he shows her her still-beating heart. Since removing hearts is really only funny when it happens to someone else, Maryann imitates Lot's wife and turns into a pillar of ash.

Back at Sookie's lawn party, all of the oily eyed revelers wake up, knowing they had a good time but just not remembering the specifics. Sookie calls a lawn service to get all the crabgrass and deadbeats off of her front lawn.

At Merlotte's, things are slowly getting back to normal, except maybe for the New York Times best-selling novelist Charlaine Harris quaffing a brewski at the bar. Sam's going to go away for a few days so he asks Sookie to watch the bar for him. Andy and Jason are donning their hero hats even if nobody knows what they did. Sookie gets a package delivered: It's a lilac-colored gown, and it's from Bill. Eggs begs Sookie to put his memories back as he's pretty upset about that blood under his fingernails. Sookie squirts memories into his head like he's a Bismarck. It's too much filling and he runs off, shaken to his deep-fried core.

Sam goes a-calling to his erstwhile parents' home. He's looking for his birth parents. His mother won't give him the information, but his bedridden dad gives it up like a drunken sorority girl. Cue Season 3 Cliffhanger # 2.

Hoyt's looking for Jessica, but she's busy picking up truckers and doing what vampires do best. Cue Season 3 Cliffhanger # 3.

Andy's in Merlottes parking lot when Eggs confronts him with the sacrificial dagger. Arrest me, Eggs tells Andy, I'm a murderer of love and a stealer of hearts. And not a la Casanova. Jason sees what looks like Eggs threatening Andy and pops a cap into Eggs' cranium. Andy tells Jason to get gone and takes the heat for Eggs' death, claiming self-defense.

Bill and lilac-gowned Sookie are enjoying their private soiree at a swanky French restaurant that Bill has rented for the evening. They drink, they dine (well, Sookie does), they dance. Bill ruins the mood by proposing to Sookie. Sookie is unsure what to do, so she goes to the loo to consider her options. While she tries the ring on and has it appraised, Bill finds himself on the receiving end of a silver chain garrote. When Sookie comes out of the bathroom, she finds Bill gone and Season 3 officially has Cliffhanger # 4.

So ends Season 2. I've enjoyed writing these little recaps and hope you enjoyed reading them. Pop in every now and again for news items and other bits of True Blood-related miscellania. See ya in the funny papers!

Posted by Randy Welk on September 13, 2009 11:47 PM
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