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True Blood Fodder

True Blood: Timebomb

This episode packed a nice little curve ball. It felt like they were really leading up to something, and then absolutely nothing happened, and then something almost happened, and then nothing happened, and then something really really big happened, or almost happened, or will happen. Like a cliffhanger. So expect the next episode to open with a bang. And without the Luke-inator. Let's get to recappin'!

Godric shows up just in the nick of time. Gabe's about to rape Sookie, but Godric twists Gabe's neck in a way that necks aren't supposed to be twisted. Chubby Checker woulda been proud. Gabe falls to the floor as lights flash and bells ring (...must be tennis elbow...), and Eric finally appears. He kneels before Godric to pay homage, but not in a gay way. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Godric instructs Eric to rescue Sookie.

Jason's lying on the middle of the road like a dead raccoon. He got his sorry ass shot by Sarah, but it was only a paint gun. Stings like hell, and embarrassing as all get out, but not fatal. Sarah's really pissed that Steve knows about their little tryst. But if Jason didn't tell Steve and Sarah didn't tell Steve, who did? Sarah shoots Jason in his groinacologicals to express her displeasure. She then tells Jason that Sookie is being held captive in the church. Jason steals her car to go rescue his sister. Sarah straightens her skirt and pouts.

At the Fellowship of the Sun (FotS) church, lights are flashing and klaxons are wailing so that means that they're serving Casserole Surprise in the cafeteria. No, not really. It means that the church is in lock-down mode. Sookie and Eric are arguing. After all, she is from Venus and he has a penis. They're trapped in the sanctuary. Eric tries a subtle ploy to get them out, but fails miserably. The Reverend Steve shows up in all his white-suited splendor so Eric gives himself up without a fight or argument. Yeah, that's who I want on my team.

Lorena still has Bill in a lock-down mode of her own. It was her mysterious arm that yoinked Barry the bell-hop into the room. While she's distracted trying to bite Barry's neck, Bill bonks her on the bean with a plasma TV. Twice. Bill grabs Barry and carries him into Jessica and Hoyt's love nest. A decidedly uncomfortable Vampirus Interruptus later, Bill tells Hoyt to get Jessica back to Bon Temps, and I mean like now.

Lafayette's dealing up some tarot cards for Tara when Eggs shows up. Eggs has been hitting Maryann's kush pretty hard lately and he blacked out again. He has no recollection of ending poor Daphne. Good story that. Wonder if it'll hold up in court.

Jason shows up at the locked-down FotS in Sarah's jeep. It's okay, he tells the assemblage, I'm the cadet. The FotS guards buy into his feeble lame-ass story and let him past. Hard to find good help these days.

Sam's sleeping in his car when his cell phone rings. There's no one on the other end, but the caller ID says Merlottes. Sam goes to his own restaurant only to find poor Daphne in his walk-in freezer with an Alien-sized gaping cavity in her otherwise lovely chest. Sam dials 911, but the cops are already at the door. Now that's quick response time.

In the kitchen, Maryann is cooking up a human heart with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Not too much salt, Maryann. Toughens up the sweat meats, and is bad for the blood pressure.

Eric finds himself silver-chained to a table. He's prepared to give himself up in exchange for Godric's and Sookie's freedom. The Reverend Steve says, Thanks but no thanks. Bill finally appears just in time to do nothing because the vampire cavalry shows up right behind. The Sharks and the Jets square off to dance and sing, but Godric puts a halt to the festivities. Jason tells the rev, Hey I banged your wife, and then decks him.

Sam finds himself getting questioned by Sheriff Dearborn. Seems unlikely that a guy would kill a chick, pluck her heart out of her chest, and stash her in his own cooler in his own restaurant, but that's what Dearborn thinks happened. A drunk and disheveled Andy shows up and tries to help out Sam by providing an alibi. Hey, Andy says, I'm corroboratin' here.

Tara and Eggs are still trying to get to the bottom of all this blacking out business. Maybe it was a gas leak? Or swamp gas...or a weather balloon. Maryann shows up and offers a tasty snack: Hunter Souffle. Mmm mmm good. Tara and Eggs dig in with super-sized flatware. After they lick the dish clean, their eyes turn all black-oily and they start smacking each other around. Their sado-masochism getting them both into heat, they start rasslin' and grapplin' and bumpin' uglies. Maryann pops some corn, sits back, and enjoys the floor show.

Sheriff Godric is holding court. He cannot refuse a favor on his daughter's wedding day. Godric tells Jason thank you for your help, you got a friend in me. Eric tells Jason that his V-juice using days are over. Godric is coming to terms with his vampirism and believes that humans and vampires can be pals. Like dogs and cats. Or cats and mice. Good Lord, has this man never seen a Saturday morning cartoon?

Jessica and Hoyt make it back to Bon Temps just in time to close the front door and start removing clothing. Now that is a girl who knows what she wants. As they resume where Bill so rudely interrupted them, Jessica tells Hoyt to stop, that it hurts. She figures out that, due to being a vampire and having awesome healing capabilities, her maidenhead grows back after sex. She will remain a virgin forever. For ever. For. Ever.

Bill and Eric are talking about Sookie like she's a baseball card when Isabel shows up with her human pet Hugo in tow. She still loves the poor slob even after finding out he was the traitor in their midst. Godric, who actually was a busboy at the last supper, is in a forgiving mood so he sets Hugo free. Jason takes Bill outside where he apologizes for being such a Jason. They hug it out and all is cool.

At Godric's party, Lorena shows up and she and Sookie get into a bit of a catfight over who loves and is loved by Bill. Sookie stands up for her man, which may not be the smartest thing for a mortal to do to a vampire. Lorena thinks Sookie is just a blood bag, and as she's about to rip out Sookie's jugular, Godric intercedes on Sookie's behalf, and exiles Lorena. From Texas. I think I could live with that. Bill escorts Lorena out of the house.

Right about the time that Bill is explaining to Lorena that he would much rather have a relationship with the titular character (and his real-life fiancé) than a multi-episode guest star, the Luke-inator ahems the party-goers, removes his jacket to reveal a suicide vest-bomb laced with silver shrapnel. He depresses the red-buttoned detonator and...roll credits.

Is this suicide bombing the "special mission" that Jason and Luke were training for? Does Hoyt like cherries? Does Maryann have a crush on Hannibal Lector? Does Godric's accent seem to come and go? Will Eric ever take his stones off the shelf and strap them on? Is Maryann's recipe on the internet?

Posted by Randy Welk on August 9, 2009 11:13 PM
Permalink |

The best recap ever! I laughed all the way through it. Thanks.

Don't you think it is weird that colored folks from New Orleans are not more suspicious about Maryann? Voodoo is such a big part of their culture.

-- Posted by: PR at August 10, 2009 5:24 AM

Loved this review - it is the best one of the 3 that I follow anyway! Love your sense of humor. Keep it up!

-- Posted by: Cecily at August 10, 2009 11:45 AM

You are incorrect about why Sarah is angry with's b/c she thinks he's a traitor...

-- Posted by: Marlena at August 10, 2009 9:14 PM

To quote Hedley Lamarr, "Go do that voodoo that you WEEEEEeeeellllll...."

I'm really thinking that Maryann is gonna get her comeuppance when Sookie gets back to town. Something tells me that Eggs ain't gonna make it.

Marlena - You're right about why Sarah is mad. She's thinking that Jason is a traitor to The Cause. Reverend Steve IMO didn't know that Jason schtupped Sarah until Jason told him.

4 more episodes...

-- Posted by: randy at August 10, 2009 10:47 PM

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