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True Blood: Release Me

Ex-detective Andy Bellefleur is still looking for his pig. No, not his wife, not Arnold Ziffel, Babe or Charlotte, but the pig that Andy saw at one of Maryann's raves.

Only this rave is in full helter skelter when Andy shows up and Discharges His Weapon. Now, ordinarily, at an orgy, that's a helluva lot more fun that it sounds. But at this orgy, Andy actually shoots off his gun and ends the festivities. A premature evacuation, if you will. Sam uses the distraction to change into an owl, eat a gopher, and fly away. As the party breaks up, it looks like a Night of the Living Dead reunion.

Sookie's still in the LODI dungeon with Hugo waiting for Sergeant Bill of the Mounties to rescue her. For a Thoroughly Modern Millie, Sookie sure seems to be a little too willing to wait to be rescued. She'd like to spend her damsel-in-distress time playing Candyland and Stake the Vampire board games, but Hugo's in Trouble because he's claustrophobic, he doesn't have a Clue, and his Life is at Risk. Besides, they're in a Mousetrap of their very own making already. Sorry about that.

Bill is still attempting to get past Lorena like a teenager trying to sneak past his baby-sitter. She puts an eff-me pump heel to his chest and makes a W-L with her hands.

Flashback - Los Angeles, 1935. Lorena comes home for the evening bearing a sweet and tasty morsel for Bill: A chorus girl. Bill won't partake because he's a big party pooper in a smoking jacket. Lorena's looking all shimmery and do-me-ish in a skin-tight green silk dress.

Bill tells Lorena that if Sookie gets hurt because she was A. Unable to come up with the rent, and B. Is still tied to the railroad tracks when the Saskatchewan Flyer comes through, he will personally stake Lorena. If Lorena had a mustache, she would've twisted it between her fingertips and said, "Nyah hah hah!"

Eric and Isabel are on a hill overlooking the Light of Day Institute (LODI) compound. They're talking about human-vampire relationships. Isabel agrees to pass a note to Sookie in gym class.

Jason and Sarah are in the LODI church loft. Sarah's playing the piano because she really sucks...never mind. Anyway, Sarah's crying because she finally had her first real Big O. She wants to tell her hubby Steve all about it. Jason's response? Whoa whoa whoa, baby. Cuckolds have a disturbing tendency to take this sort of news badly.

Hoyt and Jessica are teen-agering, discussing their respective lack of carnal knowledge and experience. He explains to her that he likes to collect action figures, and he thinks if he can sell them on E-Bay maybe he can raise enough money to open his own electronics store. Jessica drops her robe, exposing her bodacious ta-tas to Hoyt's ultimate surprise and delight.

Eggs and Tara wake up on the couch. Rarely has the Morning After ever been so Morning After-ish. Neither of them have the first clue as to how they got on the couch. Maybe Maryann's kush?

Sam slinks into his own bar, closes his office door, reaches behind a cabinet and fishes out his trusty forty-five. Feel lucky, Maryann?

Reverend Steve and Gabe have a few questions for Sookie. But before the good reverend can even threaten them with a frakkin' shark with a frakkin' laser on its head, Hugo not only spills his guts, but ties them up in a pretty package with a nice bow on it. Stackhouse? Steve asks Sookie. From Bon Temps? The penny drops for the rev as Sookie mind-calls Barry the Hotel Nosferatu bell-hop.

Meanwhile, at the Hotel Nosferatu, Bill tells Lorena that it's getting on toward dawn and they'll need to rest soon. He wants Lorena to at least let him call Eric, to enlist Eric's help in rescuing Sookie. You brain-donor, Lorena tells Bill. It's Eric who sent Lorena to imprison Bill. Dunh dunh dunh...

Jason tries to run away from the LODI, but Reverend Steve and Gabe catch up to him on the road. Jason thinks Steve knows all about his Holy Communion with Sarah, but El Reverendo Estupido wants Jason because of Sookie. Then Chrissy went to the Regal Beagle, and Jack did a spit-take...

Sam catches up to Daphne on the skinny-dipping dock. He points his gun at her, but she knows he won't shoot. Collies never do - no opposable thumb. Daphne explains that Maryann is a maenad, a handmaid of Dionysius. And since Daphne and Sam are shape-shifting supernaturals, they must choose to fall under Maryann's spell. Daphne strips down to her Wonderbra and whale-tail and goes for a swim.

Tara and Eggs are enjoying a nice morning cup o' joe when Maryann comes in looking like she just took the Guinness Book of World Records Walk Of Shame. But in her travels, she managed to brain a bunny rabbit, so guess what? Breakfast is served!

Sookie mind-reads Hugo and uncovers that Holy Benedict Arnold, Batman! Hugo is the traitor! Hugo confesses all to Sookie, that he wanted to become a vampire and that he feels used. Sookie tells Hugo that he's a stone chump.

At the LODI church, Reverend Steve tells his lovely wife Sarah that he wants to talk to her about Jason. And maybe how to pleasure a woman. Sarah thinks that sounds swell. Gabe meanwhile makes a tactical mistake when he insults Sookie to Jason. Jason delivers a royal beat-down, including a crisp size twelve Timberland to Gabe's vampire-hating cojones.

Arlene drags Tara to the ladies room where she explains to Tara that she's walking funny this morning after spending an entire evening that she can't remember doing things that she can't remember. As the conversation moves out to the bar area, Andy walks in, and Sam walks in, and Andy and Sam see that Sam's customers were Maryann's black-eyed devil orgy zombies the night before.

Hoyt has spent the entire day gathering candles and rose petals and chocolate (probably coulda just got the chocolate) to get Jessica to succumb to his carnal desires. She awakes, and as she sees his handiwork and listens to his awkward patter, she tells him to take off his pants, he had her at balls.

Jason's running away...again...when a set of headlights catches up to him. They're Sarah's and they're spectacular. She gets out of her car, points a gun at Jason and pulls the trigger.

Daphne is STILL on the skinny-dipping dock, albeit fully clothed. Maryann and Eggs take a long walk on the short pier. Maryann is so happy to see Daphne that she wills Eggs to stick a dagger into Daphne's gut. Why are people always throwing away perfectly good white girls?

Gabe locates and re-attaches his man-marbles, and makes his way to the LODI dungeon where he proceeds to beat the tar out of Sookie and Hugo.

Bill is still trying to get past Lorena. His actions in modern day parallel his woeful inadequateness in flashback. In flashback, however, Bill threatens to marinate himself with a little A-1 and stake himself, but Lorena, as his maker, releases him from her control. Modern day, as Lorena restrains Bill, Barry the bell-hop finally appears and relays Sookie's mind-message. Eavesdropping Eric zooms down the hall as a mysterious arm reaches out and yanks Barry into a room. Godric appears in the LODI dungeon, lifting Gabe up by his earlobe.

If Hugo is the traitor, is Isabel in on it? Is Godric a part of his own kidnapping? If so, why? Is he trying to discover the identity of the traitor in his midst? Or is he trying to start the human-vampire war? Will Hoyt finally get lucky? Did Sarah really shoot Jason? Is Daphne's Wonderbra truly ruined? How come Andy didn't get all black-and-oily eyed and orgified? Why does Eric REALLY want Sookie? If Maryann had had Eggs wait for Daphne to shape-shift into a pig before he skewered her, would the next rave be an orgy / pig roast?

Posted by Randy Welk on August 3, 2009 7:33 AM
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