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True Blood Fodder

True Blood: Shake and Fingerpop

At the Fellowship of the Sun bunkhouse, Jason walks in to find all of his bunkmates bloodied and strewn about the place like last week's laundry. Ah, but it's just a big put-on by Jason's arch-rival, Luke, aka The Luke-inator. A quick Jason jab to Luke's nose puts a quick end to them shenanigans.

At Bill's house, Bill flings Jessica across the room. She actually had the nerve to try to get it on with Hoyt on Bill's Get It On couch. Bill gives Hoyt the bum's rush, and then finds out that Jessica only wanted to suck face with Hoyt. It's not her fault if her nipples fangs pop out when she gets turned on.

Sam and Daphne are skinny-dipping in the local skinny dipping hole. They're sorta kinda feeling each other out (that's right...I said out, not up). She wants to take Sam out for pancakes. After all, sometimes pancakes are just pancakes.

Jason's cramming his pie-hole full of pancakes with his bunkhouse-mates and engaging in a stimulating debate about whether or not Jesus was the first vampire and Does Europe suck. No to the first, and yes to the second. He's paged to the principal's office, and soon he and the good Reverend Newlin are ATV-ing and shooting paint balls at vampire pop up targets. Can I get a yee-hah?!?

Sookie's headed off to try to find the Great and Powerful Oz Godric, but she wants to give Tara her birthday present before she goes. Sookie tells Tara that Lafayette is back and gives Tara the framed picture of Young Sookie, Young Tara, and Gran. Tara loves the picture, but she's angry about hearing second-hand that her cousin is back so she draws a Van Dyke and wavy stink lines on Sookie's picture.

At the Bon Temps morgue annex, there's a dead lady on the stainless steel table. She's got three long deep scratches in her back and a WTF look on her face. Deputy Fife Andy Bellefleur is still looking for the missing pig. But Andy's a mite liquored up (two-fer-one Shirley Temples at Merlotte's), so the Sheriff wants Andy's badge.

Tara shows up at Lafayette's place. She's angry that he didn't call her to let her know that he's back and okay. Well, he's back anyway. His gunshot wound is starting to smell like old broccoli. Tara wants to take care of him but he tosses her out like old broccoli. I really hate old broccoli.

Tara's birthday-crying all by herself at her new home, Sookie's home, Dead Gran's old home. Spooky music starts to play so you know something serious is about to happen. Serious like a surprise party, which is almost as good as a Scranton party. Maryann and Eggs show up bearing gifts and cake. Guess which one Tara wanted...

Jason's kickin' back with a cold one, hanging with Reverend Newlin and wife Sarah. Sarah's doing the grilling, so you know the good reverend is less than a man. While Sarah sears up some serious animal flesh, Jason ogles her and fantasizes about her wrestling in a giant vat of barbecue sauce with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. He comes back to reality to hear Newlin say that they want Jason to become a Soldier of the Sun and go on a glorious mission. That worked real good for the Japanese at the end of WWII.

It's a slow night at Merlotte's. Ex-deputy Andy Bellefleur is drinking as best as he can, but even that's not good enough to make up for an otherwise empty bar. Turns out everyone in town is at Tara's birthday party. Tara's mom shows up and gives Sam a present for him to give to Tara. Probably a cookbook.

At DFW airport, a swanky private jet with a big Anubis Air (NYSE: ANBS) logo on the side lowers a stairway and Sookie steps out. She's met at the tarmac by Leon the limo driver. Leon is in a bit of a hurry, so he wants Sookie to get in the limo and we'll worry about those caskets containing Bill and Jessica later. Sookie gives his mind the quick once-over, and discovers that Leon has been hired to abduct her. Sookie silent screams to Bill, and Bill pops out of his flying-to-Dallas casket like a piece of white bread from an over-achieving toaster. Jessica is unable to find the quick release button on her coffin and resembles an over-sized Tylenol.

At Tara's party, Maryann is working her mojo. Maryann sashays off into the dark, and starts to chant and vogue. Before long, Tara is shaking what her momma gave her and looking for a pole to earn a few bucks the hard way. The revelers' eyes start to go all black like they had X-Files oil in them.

Bill and Sookie are checking in to the Hotel Nosferatu. Bill taught Jessica how to Glammer, and she's having fun with Leon turning him into her personal prank monkey.

Eric unexpectedly shows up at Lafayette's place. Lafayette's wound is turning gangrenous, and the downwind neighbors are starting to complain. Eric offers up some of his healing blood to Lafayette because Lafayette is special to Sookie and Sookie is special to Eric. Lafayette buys this line of bull, and drinks Eric's blood. The phone rings, Eric answers it, and it's Bill saying that they were ambushed in Dallas. Meanwhile, Eric's blood has done its work. Lafayette is break dancing and humping the couch. Really. Humping the couch.

Bill takes over prank monkey Leon's addled mind and learns that Leon was sent by the Fellowship of the Sun to abduct whoever accompanied the Compton party. Bill turns Leon's mind, and convinces him that the flight never arrived, these are not the droids you're looking for, and he can go about his business.

Jason has been invited to sleep in the Newlins' house. Sarah welcomes Jason by wearing a very very attractive white lace nightie with spaghetti straps and a silk wrap. She said something something something...I didn't quite get it...I'll have to watch that scene again to find out what she said.

Bill and Sookie experience Vampirus Interruptus when Eric crashes their about-to-be-consummated hotel sex session. Bill goes down to the lobby to enjoy the Manager's Reception and get snarky with Eric. Eric is insistent that Sookie help Locate the Great and Powerful Oz Godric. Bill wants to know if Godric is so great and powerful, how did they capture him. Ah, says Eric, that's exactly what we want to know.

Sam and Daphne are in the kitchen at Tara's party. They're feeling Maryann's mojo. They're going to go for pancakes because sometimes pancakes AREN'T pancakes when Sam has a twinge of conscience. He tells Daphne that there's something he has to tell her - my guess is that he wants to tell her that he REALLY likes to do it doggy style - but she stops him, telling him that she already knows what he is. Woof, that was a close one.

Eggs and Tara are upstairs getting naked and sweaty the good old fashioned way. Maryann is in full shimmer-and-shake mode. All the partygoers start a food fight that makes Animal House look like Romper Room. Maryann reaches down, runs her fingers through the soil, and her hands turn into long three-clawed talons. The kind of long three-clawed talons that shred a poor girl's back and put another on a stainless steel table in a morgue.

Back at the Hotel Nosferatu, Jessica's ordered up some room service: A handsome young man named B Positive. The bellboy's name is Barry, and he and Sookie read each other's mind. Whuh-huh?

BTW - If you like the music on this show, and they got some killer cuts, you can find them here.

Posted by Randy Welk on July 12, 2009 11:36 PM
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