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True Blood: Nothing But The Blood

Welcome to Bon Temps, home of gator skulls on log cabins, river baptisms, and Who the hell is that dead body in the back seat of Detective Andy Bellefleur's car?!? Sookie and Tara don't care WHO it is, well not just yet anyway. They're too busy screaming.

A quick check of the cadaver, and Andy finds no pulse, easily explained by the conspicuous absence of a heart, indicated by a gaping hole in the victim's chest. Outstanding police work, Andy. But who is the victim? Unless our victim has been a crew member on the Nostromo, we done got ourselves a murder.

Lafayette turned up missing at the end of season 1. Is it Lafayette? No, not unless he's finally gotten that sex change and taken up scam exorcism as a side hobby in addition to his v-juice dealing and male prostitution gigs. The vic is Miss Janette, the exorcist (con woman) who cleaned up Lettie Mae (Tara's mom) 's soul.

Bill is hanging out with newly made vampire Jessica. Newly made by Bill, that is. He's explaining the rules to her, which apparently have a great deal to do with separating glass from paper when recycling . Also, Bill explains, Jessica wears too much makeup and it makes her look like a slattern. Look it up...Jessica had to.

Jason is reading a pamphlet published by the Fellowship of the Sun (FotS) people. I'm just amazed that Jason can read.

Tara's in the interrogation room. After all, she did know Miss Janette, whose name was actually Nancy and she was actually a cashier at the Try 'n Save. Andy comes in to browbeat Tara, but Sheriff Dearborne points out to Andy that Andy is at least a witness, if not an actual suspect. So don't leave town, Andy.

In a dingy dirty dank dripping dungeon, Lafayette is chained to a frozen donkey wheel of an S&M carousel with three other hapless red-shirts. Just like in Vegas, Spin The Wheel & Drop a Duece in the Bucket. A dark foreboding character drops in for a quick game of Swap Out the Prisoner. Not as much fun as Escaped Prisoner And The Warden's Wife, but hey, to each his own. Mr. Foreboding takes away one chainee and exchanges him with the bearded homophobic redneck that Lafayette punched in Season 1.

At Bill's house, Jessica appears wearing nothing but a towel and a smile. Sookie's spider sense is tingling, and she senses something is amiss. Jessica asks, "Is this chicken or fish?" Sorry, couldn't resist.

Tara is leaving the police station with her mom. Tara tries to explain to Lettie Mae that Miss Janette was just a con artist, a fraud. But Lettie Mae doesn't believe her daughter. Maryann arrives to give Tara a ride, but before she leaves, she rips Lettie Mae a Cleveland-sized new one.

Blogger's Note - I will refrain from making any Maryann and Ginger jokes just on principle. Unless I think it's funny.

Sookie is not happy about the whole Jessica-in-a-towel situation. But she's even more upset that Bill "made" Jessica and didn't tell her. She asks Bill if he and Jessica bumped uglies. Before Bill can answer, Jessica answers for him saying, "Ewwwww....old..." Bill is, after all, 170 years old and Jessica is only seventeen. I dunno...could work. Sookie leaves in a snit.

The Reverend Steve Newlin from the FotS is on the telly debating the merits of modern vampirism. His debating opponent is Nan Flanagan. Easily swayed by a pretty face, I vote vampirism. But then Newlin's way hot wife Sarah appears and I switch my loyalties. She's got the idea that her hubby can be Governor of Texas if he plays his (hot wife) card right. But hey, looky looky here comes Senator Puppet, and he's got Jason Stackhouse in tow. Jason believes that God has a purpose for him. He's been...whaddayacallit...thinkin'... Reverend Newlin and hottie wife tell Jason that for the low low price of only $1,200 Jason can attend the FotS Leadership Conference. But wait....there's more... Just wait for a sign from God, hottie wife says, and all your dreams can come true.

Sam Merlotte shows up at Maryann's with a Hefty bag full of money. At least I think it's money...could just be last night's trash from the bar. Be a tough bargaining chip, but we don't know what Maryann is into as yet. Sam sees a curious little statuette on Maryann's coffee table that ever so slightly resembles a most unusual sex toy.

Flashback (You know it's a flashback because it's in italics) - A beagle enters a house through a doggie door. The beagle lifts a leg and morphs into Sam. Sam ransacks the fridge and eats everything he can get his paws on. He's filling a sack with pawnable goodies when Maryann comes in and says, "Hey! Pee on the paper you bad doggie!" Sam splits.

Sookie is eating a Gran-less breakfast. She misses her murdered grandmother, so she decides to clean up Gran's stuff, saving all the good meds for herself. She goes through Gran's papers and gets a papercut. Ouch, better gets some Bactine on that. The doorbell rings, and there's a lawyer haunting her doorstep. The lawyer tells Sookie that her Uncle Bartlett is dead, washed up on shore, looks like an accident, sucks to be him, but oh, by the way, he left you $11,000. Uncle Bartlett, if you remember, molested Sookie when she was young. Sookie had told Bill about it, Bill paid Bartlett a social call, and now Bartlett is fish food. Sookie looks at her hand and her papercut has bled on to to the envelope. Blood money. Subtle.

Tara and Eggs are having a sinsimilla omelet by the pool. Eggs just loves toking up and playing Grabby Fingers with Tara's thigh. They're about to kiss when Carl the houseboy interrupts them with a delicious offer of fresh towels. The moment passes and Tara goes in to change. Carl brings his interrupting self into the house only to get whacked upside the head by Maryann. "Nobody needed towels, "she chastises bitchily.

Jason and his road-crew buddy Hoyt are talking about René, the serial killer. Nice guy for a psychopath. Jason is talking up the FotS when Sookie shows up and hands him the $11,000 check from the blood-sucking lawyer. She doesn't want the money because Uncle Bartlett was a child molester, and Sookie was one of his molestees. Jason takes the money and looks skyward, thanking the good Lord above for the manna. Sexy reverend wife was right about that sign.

Sam and Maryann are doing the nasty in Kama Sutra Position # 37 - Girl On Top. Maryann is REEEAALLLLLYY getting into the moment and she starts getting all shaky and vibrate-y. Man, that chick is sincere when it comes to making with the love.

Sam is daydreaming in his office, maybe about the little redheaded girl or finally kicking that football. Arlene enters and gives Bill an earful about needing a new waitress. Coincidentally, she's got a potential new waitress with her, Daphne. Daphne worked at Cracker Barrel, and doggonit if she ain't cute. Sam quickly gets over his Sookie-enza.

The chainees in the dungeon are still chained. Redneck tells Lafayette that's he's sorry for being an asshole.

Jason and Hoyt are hanging at Merlotte's. A waitress - not Daphne - comes over and throws her easy virtue at Jason. But Jason's staying clean and sober and STD-free for the Leadership Conference. Jason utters some surprisingly coherent words of wisdom at Sookie about love and acceptance, and Sookie goes running off to Bill's for makeup sex.

Bill is mixing blood cocktails for Jessica. Most of them taste like ass, she says. I'm not sure if I want to know how she knows what ass tastes like. She's such a rebel she mixes glass with plastic. Oh you naughty girl.

Sam's downing shots. Sam gets out of Maryann's bed. Maryann is in the shower getting the funk off her junk. Sam sees this as a really good time steal some of the men's clothing in her closet and her jewelry and oh that drawerful of cash might come in handy as well. Maryann appears, not in flashback mode, and noticeably not all shaky vibrate-y. Sam gives her the bag o' cash, and she laughs it off. It's not his money she wants. Maybe that ball-licking ability of Beagle Sam's comes in handier than previously thought. Sam and Maryann exit Sam's office to see Tara and Eggs smooching over the bar. That's just got to be a health code violation.

Sookie shows up at Bill's place, and after a nice bit of schmoozing Jessica, finds herself alone with her beau. She asks Bill about Uncle Bartlett, and Bill doesn't deny ridding the world of that particular piece of trash. She all but breaks up with Bill, but Bill does that fast-moving thing of his and stops her at the door. He whips out Guy Apology # 7 - You Are My Miracle, he tells her, stopping just short of You Make Me Want To Be A Better Man. She falls for it hook, line, and sinker, her eyes proclaiming, You had me at balls. They go upstairs and get all sweaty, loud and sticky.

Back at the dungeon, Sheriff Eric is getting his roots done. No, really, seriously, aluminum foil, smock and all. Redneck dude thinks he's got a fool-proof escape plan. His plan goes somewhat awry and can only be considered successful if it involves having his scrotal sack bitten off and his limbs removed from his torso. Lafayette quickly back-burners any escape plan he might have been fomenting.


Posted by Randy Welk on June 15, 2009 8:45 AM
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Rockin recap! Hot Preacher Wife is more than a trophy - she's the brains. At least, that's my theory.

"amazed that Jason can read" - awesome!

-- Posted by: Fred at June 16, 2009 10:09 AM

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