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Torchwood Fodder

Torchwood: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The team finds themselves without Captain Jack (as he disappeared at the end of the last season). As they pursue an alien blowfish hopped up on cocaine, the team and the blowfish end in a stand-off. Said blowfish is about to blow out the brains of a young teen as he taunts Ianto. Can Ianto pull the trigger. Before a decision can be made, a bullet flies through blowfish's head and knocks him out and makes him fodder for sushi restaurants around the country. Ianto looks at his gun, which has not been fired and turns around to find Captain Jack Harkness has returned. "Hey kids, did ya miss me?"

Back at Torchwood HQ, the team continue on as if Jack wasn't there (as he hadn't been in months). Gwen lays in on him, "You left us, Jack!" He tells her and the rest of his team that he found his "doctor" but he came back for the team.

Obviously, there is a crossover ep(s) with Captain Jack and Doctor Who, but I'm not sure when the eps aired in the UK and what season of Doctor Who coincides with the current season of Torchwood so I'm as lost as you are...

TORC_jmarsters_500x333.jpgBefore any more can be said, Tosh notices that there is rift activity. Over at a rooftop parking lot, Captain John Hart (Buffy and the Vampire Slayer's James Marsters) walks through the rift right into a mugging. He calls the muggers bluff and grabs him and drops him over the edge of the parking lot down to his death below. He then goes to a nightclub and picks who should stay and who should go. When the club's bouncers come out to confront him, Hart pulls out two huge guns and everyone takes off.

The team finds the dead mugger when the wrist "watch" Jack wears dings. Ianto notes that it never dings. Jack activates it and a hologram of Hart appears. He tells him to come to the nightclub and to come alone. He ends the holographic message with a mock tribute to Princess Leia's message to Obi-Wan from Star Wars. Jack takes the Torchwood car, leaving the rest behind.

Jack arrives at the bar and see Hart. The two start toward each other. You're not sure if they're going to hit each other or kiss each other. It's the latter. They lip lock in a hot kiss before Hart throws a punch at Jack and the fight's as passionate as the kiss.

Once they finish giving each other a smackdown, they have a drink as old friends... and lovers. Hart tells Jack that the Time Agency is gone now and he's been through the gamut of rehabs – including murder rehab.

Before anymore can be said, Hart shoots the glass out of the door at one end and the other. The team has arrived to back up Jack. "You have a team!" Hart exclaims. "Do you have a team name? I so love team names." Jack intros the Torchwood team and then asks Hart what he's doing in town. Hart explains that he came to fulfill a dying woman's wish. Three radiation cluster bombs came through the rift and are scattered around Cardiff. The bombs are dangerous to everyone on Earth.

Back at the hub, after Hart has been stripped of all his hardware (weapons, that is), Jack takes Gwen to tell her he's seen the end of the world but that he came back for her, for them. He goes to take her hand as his fingers brush across her ring finger. He pulls up her hand and asks what it is. "That's an engagement ring, that is." She tells him that Rhys proposed while Jack was gone. He leans in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek and both silently sigh at the unrequited love between them.

Ianto turns away from the corpse of the blowfish just as the audience sees something flashing in Herr Blowfish's pocket.

Tosh finds the radiation signature for the three bombs and the six of them split up into teams of twoto search for them. Gwen puts herself with Hart, much to Jack's dismay. He pulls her aside to warn her about him. He tells her to keep him in front of her at all times, to not trust him and to not let him kiss her, under any circumstances.

So of course, when they are at the docks looking through shipping containers, Gwen turns her back on Hart as she takes a phone call from Rhys, putting too much trust in Hart. They find the canister and as Gwen picks it up, Hart grabs it from her and pushes her against the shipping container wall and kisses her. She stumbles and falls. "Paralyzing lip gloss," he tells her. He chucks her phone and tells her if no one finds her within a few hours, her organs will start to shut down.

Owen and Tosh are in an abandoned warehouse full of junk. Just as Owen finds the canister, Hart arrives, smacks Tosh down and shoots Owen.

Jack and Ianto are in an office building. Jack asks Ianto out. Ianto wants to know the story behind Jack and Hart. Jack tells him he is part of his past and he wants him out of his life for good, that's why they are helping him. Ianto says yes tot he date and the two split up to search for the canister. Hart appears, gun aimed at Ianto. He tells Ianto that the others are in trouble and that he needs to go help them. When Ianto tries to use his com device, Hart laughs. He disabled them as soon as they split up to search for the canisters.

Hart finds Jack on the roof where he has just found the last cluster bomb. Hart tries to seduce Jack to come back to the dark side. Jack doesn't want that life anymore. He's happy where he is. He chucks the bomb over the edge of the building. Hart retaliates by chucking Jack over the building, killing him (so to speak). Hart is unaware that Jack can't die.

Ianto find Owen and Tosh. Once they are fixed up they go to the docks to find Gwen. Ianto rings her phone but they find it on the ground, thinking she dropped it. Tosh uses her handy Blueberry Raspberry device to triangulate the signal of Gwen's last call. They find her and save her just before her organs fail.

Hart returns to Torchwood to retrieve the flashing item in Blowfish's pocket. He removes a small pyramid shaped object. Before he can escape, Hart finds himself looking down the barrel of guns held by Team Torchwood. Gwen makes a comment about how resilient they are. Hart scoffs and is about to make a comment on their dead leader when dead leader enters the room, much to Hart's shock. "You could make a mint in the Vegas galaxies with that act," Hart tells Jack after Jack says he can't die. Hart has no choice but to tell them the truth. The cannisters were not bombs, but devices that would lead him to a jewel that belonged to his former lover, the one he killed.

Once he put together the pieces of from the cannisters, a hologram of Hart's lover appears and tells him he's been had. There is no diamond. Instead, the pieces would lock onto the DNA of the person that murdered her and would detonate in ten minutes. "Goodbye, Lover," she finishes as a circular device attaches itself to Hart.

The bomb has enough explosive to wipe out all of Cardiff. They want to send Hart back through the rift, but before a decision can be made, Hart cuffs himself to Gwen with impermeable handcuffs. He swallows the key. Gwen drags Hart to the rift opening that he came in from while Jack and Owen race to work on a solution.

Gwen, thinking she is going to die, tells the other to "Tell Jack that I..." Nothing about Rhys, mind you. Before she can finish, Jack and Owen arrive and they inject Hart with an amalgamation of DNA from all the Torchwood members. They wait for a few seconds but nothing happens. Suddenly the bomb releases itself from Hart and they chuck it into the rift before it explodes. The explosion causes time to shift back to the moment Hart arrived (does this mean the mugger lives?)

Hart lets Gwen go (he didn't really swallow the key). He hints at staying and becoming part of Torchwood but Jack won't have it. As he backs up into the rift, he tells Jack, "By the way, I found Grey." We see a flash of one child's (?) being pulled away from an adult's hand. Hart disappears.

Gwen asks who Grey is but Jack doesn't answer and only says, "Let's get back to work."


A lot of sexual innuendo in this episode. James Marsters adds a great dynamic to the Torchwood fold. I hope he'll be a recurring character. They definitely left it open so that he would. I sure do miss him as Spike. The bleached blonde hair actually works better for him than the natural mousy brown hair color he sports here.

Posted by Connie on January 28, 2008 6:50 PM
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Far as I can tell, Jack doesn't leave anything unrequited. He'd shag anyone on his team, given the chance, and doesn't seem particular about it.

I wish they'd get another actress to play Gwen. She has the subtlety of a rhino charging a safari bus, or a tiger jumping a tourist.

-- Posted by: Anonymous at January 30, 2008 12:54 AM

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