If you missed the episode, and I can't imagine why, you can see it here.

If you would like to read Ethan Suplee's blog...lots of insight and behind the scenes stuff, plus what Ethan likes to do when he's not being Randy.

And if you would like to check out the music used in MNIE, go here.

Last week a mystery of epic proportions was cleared up by Geraldo Rivera and Inside Probe probing deeply, searching for the truth behind the mystery beneath the conundrum of Crabshack owner Ernie Belcher's disappearance. Somebody better get Geraldo back in town because baby o baby we got another mystery beyond human conception...um...I mean comprehension.

Let's get to recappin'!

There's a special day every year at Dodge's school that parents are invited to come in and talk about their careers. They call it Career Day. This year, it's Darnell's turn. He's practicing because he's a little nervous. Very educational is Darnell's speech. Who knew there was a difference between the five A.M. seafood one could obtain at the local fish market and the 11:30 A.M. stuff. Not Earl, that's for sure. And oh yeah, Darnell also used to work for a clandestine government agency. But certainly nobody's interested in that.

Joy comes in and announces that there's something they all have to talk about. It has to do with Career Day and Dodge. Dodge wants Old Daddy (Earl) to do the Career Day thing. Earl just doesn't know how - he doesn't know anything about Darnell's job. But he owes Dodge; specifically, # 174 - Ruined Dodge's Career Day.

In 2005, Earl dressed up as a world-famous doctor and brought an x-ray machine to Dodge's classroom. He would've gotten away with it except for Billy's dad the cop who got a radio call about two Caucasian males with a stolen x-ray machine.

So Earl does the Career Day thing. Earl is the Chief List-Maker and List-Doer. His delivery is flawless and compelling, poignant and charismatic. But a perceptive girl in the class wants to know why, if Dodge's step-dad is black, why Dodge doesn't at least spend weekends with real-dad Earl. In answer, Earl's voice goes up an octave or two in his trademark I'm Not Lying voice.

Back at the trailer, Earl tells Joy that it's just not fair to Dodge that he not know who his father is. Joy explains that she can't tell her son that she can't remember some random sex with a random drunk in a random bathroom stall at a Molly Hatchett concert. Whoa there, Nelly, says Earl. You told me that it was at a Ronnie James Dio concert. And Darnell says, You told me it happened behind a concession stand. All right, Joy says. You want to know the real truth? (And you thought we needed Geraldo...) Dodge's real dad is...Little Chubby.

Buh. BAM!

Yeah, that's right. Dodge is heir to the most powerful family in Camden, owners of everything from Club Chubby to the dry cleaners to the Bar-B-Q hut. Why, they even do SAT prep.

High School Kid: Chubby's tutorials are to SAT prep as Chubby's is to erections.

Joy tried to tell Little Chubby (played with his usual aplomb by Norm MacDonald) that he was the father of her unborn child. But another woman cut in front of her in the You're My Baby's Daddy line. Little Chubby whipped out a bus ticket and a gun and let that other woman choose. Greyhound never looked so good. Joy kept her pie-hole shut and decided to raise Dodge on her own. So she married the first flannel-wearing walking mustache she could get her hands on.

Earl tries to explain to Joy that Little Chubby isn't like that anymore ever since Earl kicked him in the balls. By knowing who his father is, Earl says, Dodge's life could be better.

Earl (to Joy): You love ball stories.

Earl and Randy go to Club Chubby to tell Little Chubby about his son. Little Chubby invites the boys into his sanctum sanctorum and explains that he's no longer a nice guy. Ever since he had those bull testicles inserted in his otherwise flaccid man-marble sack, he's become his old self again.

Little Chubby: I'm a douchebag again.
Earl (to Little Chubby) : You have a kid.
Little Chubby: That woman was on the pill.
Earl: I didn't even tell you who she was.

Little Chubby flashes the gun in his waistband, and Earl and Randy beat feet.

So Earl and Randy go dumpster diving, looking for some of Little Chubby's DNA in the Club Chubby dumpster. They're looking for a cigar butt or some hair, but all Randy can find is a bunch of little balloons with mayo in them. That's when the gun shots start pinging of the macadam, and Earl and Randy, once again, beat feet.

The police are no help. In fact, ever since Little Chubby bought the mayor and the chief of police, they have orders to arrest anyone filing a complaint against Little Chubby.

So it's Last Resort time. Unable to get Little Chubby's DNA, Earl and Randy figure out that they can just as well use Big Chubby (Burt Reynolds) 's DNA. All they have to do is dig him up. Looking like Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein, Earl and Randy exhume Big Chubby. But they accidentally set the corpse on fire thanks to the 21 Shot Salute Big Chubby was drenched in before he was buried.

So the boys go home to the Palm Motel to take a shower and get the smell of Barbecued Chubby out of their nostrils. But Little Chubby bought the motel to get back at Earl and renamed it (the Earl's A Homo Inn), so now Earl and Randy are homeless. And broke. Earl goes to the nearest automatic ATM machine, but Little Chubby owns the bank too, so no dough. Things are looking grim.

To the rescue comes Darnell. Joy may not have been listening to Earl's pleas, but Darnell sure was. Darnell would like his boy Dodge to have access to some of the finer things in life. Like shoes. Relying on his covert days in the CIA, and as a plumber, and in the circus, Darnell waits for Little Chubby to drop a deuce, and surreptitiously obtains a few samples of Little Chubby's pubic hair. From below.

Darnell: I had to do the same thing to Castro.
Little Chubby: That bastard pulled a Castro on me.

Earl stole the Turner's toothbrushes to provide a comparison for the DNA lab. A short while later, Catalina brings the test results to Earl, and...

...Nobody saw this coming...

...Joy lied again.

According to the DNA test results, Little Chubby is not Dodge's father. Joy is mystified. She remembered that Halloween party clearly. She dressed up as Monica Lewinsky, and, passing up several golden opportunities, she eventually got liquored up and grabbed the first masked skeleton she found. Well, actually, the second masked skeleton. Little Chubby was the first.

Who was the second masked skeleton?

Earl asks, Wait - was that the year Fat Steve dressed up as the Kool-Aid guy and broke his nose running into a wall? Yeah, says Joy. That skeleton was me, says Earl, I'm Dodge's father.

Holy Misconception, Batman!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, Darnell is reading the DNA test results. Turns out three of the samples (from the toothbrushes) match. That would be Joy and the boys. But the fourth is a no-match. That means that Darnell is not related to either of the boys. Not even Earl Jr.

Joy: Okay everybody...just calm down.

And we end the season with a big ol' To Be Continued.

End Note - Usually, the Friends of Garcia production company logo features a friend or fan of the show, wearing the beaded over-sized Greg Garcia sombrero. This episode featured a Mr. Jason Lee, with eyes closed and half a mustache. Nicely done, gentlemen. Nicely done.

Anyway, that's it for this season of My Name Is Earl. Be sure to stop by now and again. I'll be posting news and other items of MNIE cast-related tidbits.

If you missed the episode, and I can't imagine why, you can see it here.

If you would like to read Ethan Suplee's blog...lots of insight and behind the scenes stuff, plus what Ethan likes to do when he's not being Randy.

And if you would like to check out the music used in MNIE, go here.

********************************************

I'm not quite sure how to spell this, but it's the sound a cartoon character's head makes when its spins around and around and around...

Broiggedy broiggedy broiggedy broiggedy broiggedy...

This concluding episode had everything in a MNIE ep you could want. Well, maybe everything except for a Karma list item. You had yer Joy and Catalina in revealing outfits, Darnell spouting wistful words of wisdom, Randy's sweet-and-lovable-but-homicidal side showing through, and Earl dressed up in period costume for an epic Civil War GWTW-type struggle.

Let's get to recappin'!

Geraldo (or, as Earl calls him, Gerardo) Rivera is still in Camden County. All of America, he says, wants to know what happened to the Crabshack's owner, Ernie Belcher, who mysteriously disappeared eight years ago. Was it Redrum...I mean MURDER? And who's responsible?

Was it the dirt bag (Earl)? Was it the mentally disabled (Randy)? Was it the black co-worker (Darnell)? Was it the hot woman (Joy)? Was it the NASCAR driver (Michael Waltrip, whose testimony is worth that of three average Americans)? Was it the so-called celebrity (Tim Stack)? Was it Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the Candlestick?

Inside Probe does a quick recap of last week's episode.

Geraldo: Inside Probe...digs deeper...into the earth...to find the treasure chest...of the truth...of this mystery..."

Vociferously eloquent and elegantly loquacious is Mr. Rivera.

Randy has a hypotenuse...or is that hypo-theosis...let's just call it a theory. Space Aliens. Earl meanwhile is greatly enamored of Geraldo's mustache.

Earl: You put conditioner on that?
Geraldo: Yes, but you couldn't afford it.

Randy's Spave Aliens thoery is not just your typical hogwash. This is special As Seen On TV hogwash.

Seems there was a bright light in the sky the night Earnie disappeared. Lots of folks saw it, including Joy, who was selling muscle relaxants (actually old birth control pills) to one Wilfred Dierkes outside the Crabshack. Officer Stuart Daniels saw the bright light while undercover as the meat in a dance sandwich at a gay homosexual rave. Handyman Josh Martin saw the bright light too. He was just finishing up putting a new cement floor in the Crabshack's bathroom (remember this - it will become relevant...trust me) and was practically blinded. Darnell, once again, is the sole voice of sanity saying, Don't believe too much of what you hear around here.

Inside Probe goes to commercial because it was an especially good dramatic breaking point just as Darnell was about to say something most apropos in repsonse to a Geraldo question. Joy wants to know what he had been going to say, but Darnell's mouth is full, and his grand-mama taught him never to speak with his mouth full. So we go to commercial.

Pause...

Pause...

Station ID...

Almost back now...

...Aaaaand we're back.

Geraldo Rivera then explains that possibly Ernie's disappearance had something to do with events from long long ago. Apparently, during the Civil War, Camden County formed its own country, the nation of Central. Being unable to choose between industrialization or slavery, they opted for both, and even stitched up a flag. The nation of Central only lasted for about fifteen minutes before the North AND the South annihilated everyone, but their legacy remains. Ernie was a true son of the Central, and proudly flew the Central flag above the Crabshack.

Joy: The Central will rise again!

But possibly Ernie's disappearance had something to do with Ernie's side business: Producing underground kinky sex fetish videotapes. Seems everyone in Camden starred in them, including:

Joy - Repeatedly kicking Wilfred Dierkes in the gonadicals
Earl - Eating macaroni and cheese from a size eleven red pump
Catalina - Strangling Tim Stack with her long firm tanned luscious legs
Randy - Applying lipstick and crying

Tim Stack starred in several of Ernie's productions, but he has no memory of being in them. But then again, as he says, I was in (the Ferris Bueller-esque) Parker Lewis Can't Lose for three years and I can't remember that either.

But Ernie had yet an even darker side. According to Joy, he had several hidden cameras in the Crabshack's bathroom. And that's why Joy always peed in the alley.

Geraldo: Can you show me?
Joy: I don't really have to go right now.
Geraldo: I meant the cameras.

Geraldo even finds a VCR hidden behind the tampon machine. He pops out and plays the tape and we see Randy stealing tampons, Catalina secretly eating a big ol' bucket of chicken, Patty having a working lunch in a stall with three or four of Camden's upstanding citizenry, and Earl swigging stolen booze.

With Geraldo's help, let us return to Darnell's interview about the Central flag on top of the Crabshack. As Darnell relates his story, we find out that part of Darnell's duties was to lower the Central flag every night. Well, one night, he found a ne'er-do-well (in Camden? Hard to imagine, but, well, there you have it) trying to purloin the flag. In the guy's defense it wasn't actually nailed down. Darnell and the perp fought bravely, crashing the flagpole fell into the powerlines, sending a bright burst of sparks and light into the night sky, thereby creating the illusion of aliens. Orson Welles would've been proud.

While the scuffle was going on above, Ernie was in the bathroom attempting to cross the wet cement floor on the two-by-fours that Josh had set down. When the lights went out, Ernie fell into the wet cement and settled in slowly, leaving only his nose exposed.

As this gargatuan revelation is exposed on Inside Probe, the gang rushes into the bathroom to pay their last respects to Ernie's nose. Earl thought that nose was a nose-shaped door stop. Joy used the nose to wipe gum off her shoes.

Darnell: Well Ernie, the Crabshack was part of you, now you're a part of the Crabshack.
Randy: I forgive you for the no toothpicks, but I'll never forgive you for the fish wings.

Randy squeezes Ernie's nose shut - just in case Ernie's still breathing under there, and gives his best Tony-Soprano-squeezing-Christopher's-nose impression.

I would like to take this opportunity to pont out that when we frst see the bathroom from the hidden camera viewpoint, there was no nose protruding from the floor. Bit of a production gaffe I would say.

Roll Credits.

If you missed the episode, and I can't imagine why, you can see it here.

If you would like to read Ethan Suplee's blog...lots of insight and behind the scenes stuff, plus what Ethan likes to do when he's not being Randy.

And if you would like to check out the music used in MNIE, go here.

My head is still spinning.

Geraldo Rivera, Michael Waltrip and Tim Stack guest star, and show-runner Greg Garcia wrote and directed this episode. And, if I'm not mistaken, Senor Garcia (or Mr. Garsha as we like to call him) took a turn as an uncredited scam-inclined lawyer-slash-agent.

Now, let's get to recappin'!

There's a long-time mystery going on at the Crabshack, and it has nothing to do with the menu or the sign on the wall that says, "Do not lean on this wall or it will fall again." No no, the mystery has to do the disappearance of the Crabshack's owner, Ernie Belcher. And much like Al Capone's vault, the only ones qualified to get to the bottom of this are Geraldo Rivera and Inside Probe, a TV show dedicated to getting to the bottom of the bottom of things.

Geraldo and crew were in Camden County eight years ago, but the footage never aired because a certain hemp-ophile in the Witness Protection Program was unable to sign the release. But that situation has since been rectified, and the episode ("Claws of Death...Unknown") can now sully the airwaves. Loved the "Welcome to Camden: Home of Pigsquatch" sign.

Geraldo emerges from Yummy Donuts doing the walk-and-talk. Behind him, we see the One-legged Girl (from whom Earl stole a car way back when) and a meandering parent-less toddler. Joy's Suburu Brat rolls past. Earl and Randy are drinking beer in the back and shout out an enthusiastic, "Bleep you, Gerardo!"

We get a quick rundown of the Camden Eight, all accompanied by what looked to me like actual photos from each of their actual childhoods. Jason Lee's childhood photos looked to be PhotoShopped so his eyes were closed in every picture. Very nice touch.

Earl Jehosophat Hickey: Jehosophat? Really? I mean, sure, the middle initial has to be J as in Rocket J. Squirrel and Homer (and Bartholomew) J. Simpson, but Jehosophat? Found crime to be his only outlet, committed 77 misdemeanors, had several good Ernie Belcher stories ("He liked to drop peanuts in people's drinks...").

Randall Dew Hickey: Great middle name, committed 77 misdemeanors, liked to smash things with a shovel (who doesn't?), balance things on his head (who doesn't?), and has a tendency towards Dummy See Dummy Do, also had several good Ernie Belcher stories ("He taught me to tie my shoes.").

Joy Farrah Hickey: Low-rent Bonnie to Hickey's half-wit Clyde, also had good Ernie stories ("He prevented me from getting a parking lot dry-humping by spraying the perp with a hose.").

Tim Stack: Camden County celebrity and banana hammock-afficianado, fond of Ernie's reluctance to interrupt Tim's bathroom coke snort fests, also had fond memories of Ernie (He was always spraying me with a hose.").

Wilfred Dierkes: Lawyer and Tim Stack's agent, wearer of bad toupees and quite possibly the owner of the last Member's Only jacket on the planet.

Darnell Turner: Very evasive about his past, recalled that Ernie and 2-time Daytona 500 winner Michael Waltrip were great pals. Also recalled that Ernie had many lady friends including...

Catalina Ronna Aruca: Illlegal immigrant cum hotel housekeeper slash jumping stripper from Guadalatucky (NOTE - That's the first time we've officially been given her middle and last names and her city of origin.), and...

Patricia Michelle Weezmer: Half Cherokee, mother Griselda (played by Betty White), father Chasing Squirrel, splits her time between selling her body and performing Community Theater.

Geraldo interviews Officer Stuart Daniels. According to 911 calls received on April 9, 2001 from Joy, Darnell, and Randy ("Bababooey bababooey"), that's the fateful day that Ernie went missing. Perhaps he signed on for a three hour tour of the islands?

Geraldo wraps up the segment by listing the suspects like in a game of Clue. Was it the petty thief, the simpleton brother, the stay-at-trailer mom, the black co-worker, the immigrant stripper, the so-called celebrity, the small-time agent, the black co-worker, or the day-time hooker?

Darnell: Did they just show me twice?
Joy: I don't think so.
Darnell: I think they just showed me twice!

After a commercial break, Geraldo explains that eight years ago after Ernie's disappearance, the police caught a break. Searching for salable items in Ernie's office they chanced upon hundreds of threatening letters from Randy to Ernie ("No free toothpix?!" "Serve fish wings every day not just Wensdays!!"). In the blink of a camera shutter Randy became Suspect # 1.

In the interrogation room, Randy becomes increasingly angry recalling the no toothpicks and lack of fish wings. Knowing full well that Randy is incapable of pulling off something of this magnitude by himself, the police haul in Earl as accomplice/ringleader. With Officer Daniels pulling the old You're Partner Confessed schtick, Randy soon confesses to the crime.

With Wilfred Dierkes the only lawyer the boys can afford at their side, Geraldo interviews the Gang That Couldn't See Straight and asks what their defense might be. Dierkes explains that he'll go with temporary insanity for the mustache (Earl) and Retardity for the big fellow (Randy).

Earl panics and rants that "..I had a dream where I was in prison then got out and was hit by a car and was in a coma. C'mon man, nobody wants to see that." Yes Earl, that would have been a bad dream. One that I'm sure would have seemed to last way too long. Positively nightmarish.

Geraldo finally gets around to interviewing Ernie's great pal, Michael Waltrip. And with the help of Inside Probe's re-enactors, we see what happened to Earl and Randy that night. Mr. Waltrip was in the Crabshack when a liquored-up hardbody trailer park blond flashed her 32C's and demanded a beer. And then a couple of knuckleheads (one with a cheesy mustache and wearing flannel and one sweet-but-meaty man-child) threaten to flash man-parts and inflict bodily damage if Waltrip doesn't pony up some beers and burgers.

Waltrip is a bit of a shutterbug and took a great many pictures of that night, completely clearing Earl and Randy of all charges, much to Joy's chagrin, who is perched on Darnell's lap when Earl and Randy proclaim their joyous news to a stunned Crabshack.

So the mystery remains unsolved until next week when Inside Probe continues. According to Geraldo, "You will bleep your pants."

Randy: We have to wait a week?
Earl: Why didn't they just show the whole thing in a special one hour episode?
Darnell: Network executives probably didn't order enough episodes for a whole season so they had to stretch it out over two weeks. That way they don't hafta air a repeat during sweeps.
Randy: (Disgustedly) Network executives...
Joy: Plus you can't curse 'til a certain time of night...(pause...pause...looks at watch) ...douchebags.

Amen bruthuh. Amen.

Roll credits.

I think this episode may hold the record for most list items completed. And Dixie cups of wine drank. Let's get to recappin'!

It's time for all the Chreasters to come out of the woodwork and scurry on over to the big church-sponsored festival. Randy and Earl don't go to church, even on Christmas or Easter, but they enjoy cheap greasy food and rigged carny games as much as the next couple of schmoes. Joy isn't having much luck at the fair winning prizes, but she's downing wine by the paper cupful - twenty-five to be exact - and is feeling a bit wobbly. The lovely Catalina is having a banner day winning prizes and even scoring the big AM/FM Headset raffle. Not sure which was bigger - the raffle or the headset. But I digress. Joy wants the car keys from Darnell, but he's the designated keep-the-car-keys-away-from-drunken-Joy-er and he ain't giving them up. Joy's mad enough (or drunk enough...the two do seem to go hand in hand) that she's walking home. Or staggering home. However you want to look at it.

Joy's headed in the general direction of home when she sees a riding mower not doing much of anything. She hops on, giggles gleefully, and starts that bad boy up. In her stupor, she sees three Catalinas (another fantasy of mine), takes aim at the middle one, and decides to run her over. Catalina, enjoying her newly-won radio headset, is caught unawares by Joy's MWI (Mowing While Intoxicated) and ends up plastered to the hood of the mower. Joy makes a drunken beeline to a shed and pins the poor Catalina bwetween the mower and a wall. Where o where is Dudley Do-Right when you need him?

Catalina: That psychic was right. I am going to die in a shack pinned to a wall by a lawn mower.

Earl and Randy have donated their $50 to the Can Toss game when they see a familiar face. The Reverend Greene is carny-hawking a Shoot Satan With A Paint Gun Game. And that reminds Earl of # 35. He doesn't give it a name, so let's just call it Stole An Organ From A Church Because We Thought There Was good Money In Black Market Organs. Livers and kidneys tend to have greater value in the mean streets of Camden that Wurlitzers, but that little nugget of information came to Earl and Randy just a tad late.

Earl confesses all to the good reverend, and promises to return the organ. The reverend, played by Faizon Love, understands Earl's plight. Seems the good reverend has a dark past and was himself once a gang-banging evil-doer by the name of Hash Browns.

Next day at the shed and generous-to-a-fault Joy is delivering some snacks to a still-pinned-down Catalina. Catalina promises, perhaps not too wisely, to go straight to the cops the second she gets out. Joy's already got two strikes, so a third is going to put her away for a long long time. Oops, sorry Catalina, can't let you out, see ya later, gotta go.

Reverend Greene is having a good day. He's got his church organ back, and Paint Ball Satan is dropping the lawsuit. Earl and the rev shake hands on a job well-completed, but as Earl grabs up his tools to leave the reverend notices that Earl's tools are actually HIS tools. Ah, that would be another numberless item on Earl's List: Stole A Tool Belt From A Guy While He Was In A Porto-Let Then Knocked Over The Porto-Let While He Was Still Inside. The reverend is mighty angry, but a heaven-sent prayer and a promise from Earl to volunteer at Sunday's mass and all is forgiven. Whooo...that was a close one. Good thing the rev isn't still Hash Browns because otherwise Earl would've ended up stitched inside Randy's belly like Luke in the Taun-taun.

Joy brings Darnell to the shed to visit Catalina and dispense with the wise and wistful words of wisdom. Catalina threatens to go to Hollywood so her story can be made into a Lifetime movie with J Lo starrring as Catalina and Sally Struthers starring as Joy. Ouch. Darnell protected Joy numerous times in the past, but this time there's only one viable solution: Kill Catalina and bury her in a shallow unmarked grave.

Whuh-huh?

Darnell to Joy: You need to shut your hole and start digging one.

Sunday morning at the Triple Rock with the Reverend Cleophus...oops...sorry...wrong church...

Reverend Greene is delivering his sermon, and it's all about confession and forgiveness. As the parishioners call out their sins (Randy groped a statue) and the congregation proclaims forgiveness, the reverend's wife Jackie drops a bombshell. She slept with Earl. Taking up a lot of space on Earl's list is the good reverend.

Ten years back, Earl tumbled onto a scam wherein he waited outside the gates of the prison for a desperate and pretty prisoner's wife and pretended to be a Prisoner's Advocate who was willing to work Pro Boner, i.e., swap PA services for fleshy remuneration. Randy actually made a pretty good wingman.

This last tidbit is just too much for the rev to bear. He squeezes all of the blood out of Earl's hand and pummels Earl to the floor. Filled with rage, the reverend takes a powder and Hash Browns re-appears and steals everything on the altar that isn't nailed down, including a parishioner's hat. Hash Browns lugs the swag out to his blue pick-up truck, and oh crappity crap if it isn't # 172 - Shot Out A Tail Light On A Blue Pick-up Truck.

Earl fesses up - again - to the reverend, and the wind sloughs out of Hash Browns' sails. A few years back, Hash Browns was on his way to deliver some illicit flu shots and plastic explosives to a rival gang. But he got pulled over for the busted tail light, and failed to show up at the meet. Good thing for him because the meet went bad and his entire gang was killed. Reverend Greene realizes that it's not forgiveness he needs to express, but thanks. Thanks to Earl for saving his life. The congregation is soon back in the church singing a heart-felt rendition of Amazing Graze.

Catalina too is singing Amazing Grace accompanied by Darnell's stropping a big ol' Catalina-slicing knife. He's just about to remove her lovely head form her shapely shoulders when Joy bonks him on the bean with a shovel, knocking him out and saving Catalina's life. As thanks for saving her life, Catalina promises Joy that she won't go to the police. They hug. Sweetly. Not all dirty-like and sweaty and half-clothed and lustful. Not at all like that. Not at all.

Joy: I knew if we ever hugged you'd smell like burritos and stripper poles.

Roll credits.

When I first heard about this episode, I thought to myself, Self (cuz that's what I call me) Joy bullies Randy? Pinky bullies Skipper? I s'pose I thought that maybe Joy would cut Randy some slack for a little while. But I s'pose cutting people slack just ain't Joy.

Then I thought to myself, Self (I talk to me a lot), first he bullied Gay Kenny, then it was French Pierre - how are they going to make this different? Not to be disappointed was I. This ep marked a nice return to the "old" format of Earl and Randy & The Gang, Earl's learning just how much impact he's had on those around him, full credits, and great use of music. I'm going to try something a little new from now on. I'm going to do flashback scenes in italics. I've seen it done elsewhere, and I kinda like it. Plus I don't hafta keep saying Way Back When... or When Earl Was A Teen... Nuff said...let's get to recappin'!

Earl's tidying up the apartment when Randy comes in. Randy would like Earl to perform a small favor; to wit, punch Joy in the face. A lot of people have asked Earl to perform this minor task, but Earl has taken the high Karma road each and every time. Actually, he's just a big wussy flannel-clad chicken and Joy is one scary bee-yotch, but that's beside the point.

She did it again?, Earl asks Randy. The "it" that Joy did again is swiping the Crabshack claw machine prizes that Randy wins. Randy needs to learn to stand up for himself because Earl's just not going to do it for him any more. Oh, and by the way, Earl's not going to kiss Randy's boo-boos any more either. Got awful cold in the apartment right there it did.

So while Randy tosses a pitiful and uninspired tantrum, Earl peruses his list and comes up with # 32 - Bullied Wally Panzer.

Due to a colorful series of misadventures, Earl is now receiving his education at the ruler-armed hands of the Catholic church. Earl sees a sensitive young man named Wally Panzer chasing butterflies with a net. And a sensitive young man chasing butterflies with a net to a bully is like a box of doughnuts to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Earl abuses the sensitive lad and nicknames him Wally Pansy, or, in the case of yanking down Wall'y trousers, Wally Pants-less.

So it's off to Wally's house. Wally's not too hard to find as he's never left Camden. Can't imagine why, but it makes for a convenient plot device so let's roll with it.

Knock knock knock on the door, Wally answers, and Earl and Randy are confronted with one of the largest men I have ever seen outside of the National Football League. Funny that, because Wally, played by guest star Matthew Willig is actually a retired offensive tackle in the NFL who played in 2 Super Bowls (won one, lost one).

Earl's petrified at the sheer size of the man, and his flabber is so gasted that he tells Wally that his name is Cliff, and they're there because of Wally's ad in the Penny Saver looking for a workout buddy. So it's off to the gym. At the gym, Wally and Earl psyche each other up by punching each other in the face. Earl's punch is more of the Hello Kitty variety while Wally's is more of the Hurricane Katrina variety. Earl bench presses forty pounds while Wally spots him, dripping sweat by the gallon right into Earl's face. Big-time ewwwwwww...

Randy's working out with two muscleheads. He's bouncing on a big bouncy ball, trying to get ripped. (Great quote: Randy asks them what's the best way to get big like you guys, and they tell him he's got to use free weights. Randy replies good because he doesn't have any money.) Randy explains his bully dilemma to his new workout buddies, and they tell him it's not so much size but confidence, and oh by the way how big is your bully? Randy explains that his bully is about so tall, so wide, and, cupping his hands, about a 32C. Your bully's a girl? they ask.You're going to need some shark adrenaline in your scrotum.

Earl's over by the drinking fouintain trying to find the strength to push down the little drinking fountain button when he sees Wally looking longingly at the Mr. Camden trophy case. Wally's in full "those grapes are probably rotten anyway" mode. Earl tries to talk Wally into competing in the upcoming event, but Wally feels that all that full-body shaving and no-tan-line tanning and manly-man-on-manly-man oiling will only make him into a bigger pansy than he already is. But Earl convinces Wally to go for it and it's punches in the face all around. Or, in Earl's case, more like limp-wristed little girl slap-fighting.

Randy meanwhile receives an injection of shark adrenaline right in the ol' man marbles. A quick lesson in anatomy might have been just the ticket because Randy seemed to be under a certain anatomical misapprehension as to where his scrotum actually resides. The juice kicks in quick. Next thing you know, Randy's back at the Crabshack claw machine, and when he wins a floppy puppy (stuffed, not real) and Joy tries to take it from him, he puts on his Pazuzu voice and intimidates her. The lovely Catalina exhorts Randy on saying, Kill her kill her, I know a guy who can make any death look like a suicide. Not the greatest line she's ever delivered but since it was her only line in this ep I thought I'd include it.

Randy brings home his twice-hard-won floppy puppy only to find Earl and Wally shaving their legs with Lady Bics ("Curved to fit the contours of her legs...") for the upcoming Mr. Camden competition. Feeling fully juiced, Randy goes into a 'roid-fueled tirade, mocking Wally and "Cliff", calling them pansies. (Another great quote: Earl tells Randy that he and Wally are prepping for the competition, and Randy replies, What's the competition for? To see who gets bottom?) Randy continues his rant, dropping the dime of dimes, that "Cliff" is even too afraid to tell Wally that Cliff's real name is Earl. Wally may be big, but he ain't no dummy. Earl? Pansy? Wally ups his intimidation factor geometrically saying I always dreamed of finding you again, Earl Hickey. Earl wisely scurries off and locks himself in the bathroom with a peeing Randy (Earl: Why's your pee blue? Randy: You can clean up my splatter, Lady Legs.). But a flimsy door is no safeguard against Wally whose arm crashes through the door and wraps itself anaconda-like around Earl's throat.

Wally yanks Earl and the bathroom door into the living room and flings Earl through the apartment wall right into the next apartment where show-runner Greg Garcia and Camden's Own Tim Stack are enjoying a little afternoon delight with a couple of lovely and willing blow-up dolls. An adrenalized Randy jumps into the fray, and he and Wally go at it like Godzilla and Mecha-Godzilla. Earl finds himself of the middle of Downtown Tokyo, and realizes that he created both monsters, one by bullying and the other by telling him to stand up to bullies.

At the Crabshack, Darnell steps out from behind the bar for a minute, telling old Sam to keep an eye on the place. Just at that moment, Randy and Wally come in and totally trash the place. As Randy smashes Wally's face into the claw machine, he sees a note with a picture from Joy: Hey Dummy - I got them all! Mount Rand-suvius erupts and he's off to deliver a Randy-sized can of whup-ass. Darnell returns to find his beloved Crabshack devastated. Turning to old Sam he says, May we have a word?

Earl and Wally are now both looking for Randy. Randy's already made his way over to the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park and barged on in Joy only to find her on the phone. Randy rips the phone off the wall, smashes it against his head, and growls Give 'em back. Joy meekly and wisely acquiesces. Randy takes his haul outside where he finds Earl Jr. playing with one of the claw machine toys. He demands it back. Earl Jr. hands it over and begins to cry. Randy hears the boy crying, and realizes what he's done, that he is the bully this time and that he's the cause of someone's crying due to bullying. It wakens Randy to what he's become, and as he turns to give the toy back to Earl Jr., Earl drives up in his trusty El Camino and runs Randy down.

Earl apologizes to an unconscious Randy, saying that it wasn't Randy's fault, that Randy was a nice and sensitive guy, and that he shouldn't have made Randy change. Wally overhears Earl's apology, and the same applies to him. Earl realizes that you can change what you look like on the outside, but inside you're still you.

Wally takes Earl's apology to heart, and after shaving, tanning, and oiling up, gets on stage and competes for Mr. Camden. As Wally flexes and poses, he releases several butterflies. Scratch off # 32, Earl.

As the ep closes, Randy is in several casts, trying to get from his wheelchair into bed. After a long struggle, he finally makes it. Randy asks Earl if kryptonite, garlic or apples work on normal people. No, Earl replies. Superman, vampires, and doctors maybe, but not normal people. Well, Randy asks, what can I use to keep Joy away? Try hummus, replies Earl.

Roll credits.

At the Crabshack, Earl's trying to cross off # 83 - Never Took The Time To Teach Randy How To Blow A Bubble with limited success. If you're going by the number of gum wrappers or the the number of gum wads in Darnell's bucket Randy's doing boffo. If you're going by the size and number of successful bubblegum blowing attempts, not so much.

Joy enters the bar, dragging Dodge by his ear. The little whelp has had the gall to be attracted to, and even hold hands with, Tiffany, a girl he's not related to. (Note to my editor - yes, I know that's a dangling participle, and no, I'm not going to fix it.) She makes him stand facing the claw machine. That's sure to get those troublesome ideas out of his head. Joy's mad at Tiffany's mom Eugenia because Eugenia steals the Turners' Valu-Pak mass mailing coupons (read: junk mail). Randy has very limited sympathy for the young lad. He remembers all too well the sadness that comes to a young boy from giving one's heart to a pre-adolescent siren with soft long hair and deep soulful eyes. Ten year old bitches, says Randy with a disdainful sneer.

Flashback to those golden days of adolescence and innocence. Young Earl and Young Randy are spending the summer with their Aunt Gail at the lake. She's kind of a heavy gal who needs two strapping young men - Earl and Randy will have to do - to do chores up to and including holding up her fat flabs and drying away the moisture with an oscillating fan. Can I get an Eeeewwww...?? Amen, brothers and sisters. Bigtime. But there's a bright spot in all this fat old lady dehumidifying: Randy's found his first true love, Pinky. Pinky is so named because her hair is Pinky. Pinky calls Randy Skipper because he's so good at skipping stones. She calls Earl Sinker because he's so good at sinking stones. Pinky and Randy spend the summer sharing ice creams, paddle-boating, and tandem biking to John Prine's Day Is Done ("Do you like me? Well I hope you do. Cause if you like me, Then I think I'm gonna to have to like you too.").

All right, I'll say it. This whole Randy and Pinky montage was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen that didn't involve babies, mammals, or baby mammals that didn't make me wanna gag or spew. There. I said it. Think what you want. Moving right along...

The magic day finally arrives when Pinky tells Randy that she's going to let him kiss her. Randy waits at the appointed time and place, but alas and alack, Pinky never shows. Hence, Randy's "ten year old bitches" comment from earlier.

Back at the Shack, Randy asks Earl, Can we try to find her huh can we can we can we huh? Earl is dubious. They don't even know her real name. Earl just knows this is going to end badly.

Earl and Randy El Camino it to the lake, and there they find the same old dude (played by Bernie Kopell, Doc from the Love Boat) running the paddle boat concession.

He agrees to help Earl and Randy try to locate the fuchsia-tressed young lady, but the fact that he can't raise his arms above his waist (and the fact that he has no feeling in his penis...long story) might slow him down a bit. But hey, he's game to try. Randy's so excited he's wearing new underwear and checking mortgage rates in Connect-ticut.

Six hours later, the old dude comes shuffling along with good news: He's found her! And she's going to be on the bridge at 4:00. Randy and Earl hurry over to the bridge after a quick hygiene check. Nostrils? Three mediums and a large, check. Underarms? Not good, okay, check. Breath? Hint of pepperoni and a soupcon of Froot Loops, check. (Okay, I made that last one up. What I really liked was the camera angle from inside Randy looking out at Earl. You kinda had to see it to really appreciate it.) Randy spies Pinky on the bridge, walks over to her in delicious anticipation, and...it's Joy! Pinky is Joy!!

Oh snap!

In flashback after flashback, we see Young Pinky utter those now famous Joy words, Oh snap oh snap oh snap.

Joy is of the same opinion. What the hell's goin' on! She demands to know. Where's Skipper? Randy tries to convince her that he is indeed her long lost young love Skipper, but it's not until he pulls out the love note she wrote him way back when that she finally believes him.

After a why did you break up with me I didn't break up with you why did you break up with me exchange the truth finally comes out. The two young lovers did not break up with each other. It was a jealous Young Earl that broke them up, delivering a break up note to Pinky, supposedly from Skipper, that he'd written himself. He just couldn't stand the thought of Randy kissing a girl before he did. And after delivering the note to Pinky, young Earl tried to console her with a smoochy, but Pinky wasn't having it. Welcomed kisses are rarely received with a Ked to the crotch. Welcome to Dating, Young Earl.

This devastating news leaves Randy heartbroken (again) and Joy questioning everything in her life.

Randy takes out his anger by cutting his and Earl's bed in half and holding the sawblade to Earl's throat. How come me and Pinky aren't on your list? He demands to know. Earl was too ashamed to put it on there, but rest assured that it is now. And the only way to make this right is for Randy to make out with Pinky, I mean Joy. I think we are all in agreement when I say there is no good that can come from this.

This is by far the hardest thing Earl's ever had to do to cross off a Karma item. First things first, Earl seeks out Darnell's permsission. Darnell's actually cool with it. As part of their "pre-nup", Joy and Darnell each got one freebie, choosing the one person they could still have sex with after they were married, and Joy chose Skipper. (Darnell chose Anna Nicole Smith.) Earl is saddened by the news that Anna Nicole is dead. She was one of the good ones.

Is it possible that TPTB @ MNIE read this blog?

But there's someone else Earl has to get permission from (I know I know...another dangling participle...not fixing this one either). And that someone is Joy. At first she ain't having any part of this making out with the stupid ex-brother-in-law business, but then she sees Dodge and Tiffany and she makes a deal with Earl: You break up those two and I'll tongue-down Randy. So it's back to the forged break-up note game, and Earl puts the kibosh on Dodge and Tiff. Tiffany is heartbroken, and when Earl tries to give her a consolation hug, his actions are misconstrued a by a large black woman who greets Earl's man-marbles with the point of her steel-toed boot. Sorry Earl, but you had that comin'.

Skipper and Pinky (aka Randy and Joy) meet up on their bridge. Time has token its toll on the two erstwhile young lovers, but they are dressed just like they were when they were ten. The initial meet and greet doesn't go well (big surprise there) but as Randy ambles down to the shoreline and starts skipping stones, Joy is able to see past his Randy-ness (cue more John Prine) and see him once again as her first love Skipper. She joins him skipping stones and they have a lovely day on the paddle-boats and eating ice cream and tandem biking. Randy even blows a bubble. Cross that one off the list Earl.

Randy tells Joy that he forgot how nice that feeling was, and that she's lucky because she has that all the time with Darnell. Joy sees and feels just how blessed she truly is and decides to let Dodge spend time with Tiffany. In a superhuman gesture (for Joy anyway) she decides to let Randy kiss her. They kiss, resembling nothing so much as the awkward and sweet fumblings of two pre-adolescents sharing a first kiss. Randy tries to go upstairs inside, but Joy swats his hand away. He tries again. Joy swats again.

Roll credits.

When I first read about this episode, I thought it sounded very reminiscent of the Roseanne episode. Speaking of Roseanne, on Ethan Suplee's blog, somebody asked about the "Who Jackie" line that's been used several times. He's got a funny anecdote - go here to read it. Then I thought that this show might be coming down with 30Rock-itis - Too many guest stars. But how can you not love Betty Friggin' White?

Her credits include the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls/Golden Palace, Boston Legal, Bold and the Beautiful. My all-time favorite Betty White quote is from Lake Placid: "If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it!" And not too coincidentally, she was on an episode of show-runner Garcia's Yes, Dear in 2002. Let's get to recappin'!

It's a slow day at the Crabshack. Just right for Earl and Randy to wager on who comes through the door next. Pregnant pause for suspense... And it's the Spanish Inquisition! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Oops, sorry. It's not the Spanish Inquisition, but that old scary Crazy Witch Lady (CWL), Griselda Weezmer, played by the great Betty White. Catalina silently genuflects as if to ward off the evil entity once known as Sue Ann Nivens , the "Happy Homemaker."

(Blogger's notes - Coupla Betty White trivia bits... Betty is her actual name. It's not short for Elizabeth or anything else. She's from Oak Park, IL, a short skip and a hop from my old stomping grounds. She is a major on-air spokesperson for PETA. And she has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame next to the star of her late husband, Allen Ludden.)

And that reminds Earl of # 186 - Was Mean to Crazy Witch Lady.

As a punkish teen, Young Earl tormented and terrorized his entire neighborhood, and CWL was no exception. He used to ride his bike through her garden and she used to try to thwack him with her broom. But Young Earl was a clever imp he was. He came up with a devious and resourceful scheme - even by Earl standards. He put green dye in her face cream and Super Glue on the handle of her broom. So the very next time she moisturized and took out after a garden-trampling Earl, she was the very spitting image of Margaret Hamilton in the Wizard of Oz sans flying monkeys. (God, I hated those flying monkeys.)

So now Karma-appeasing Earl has to make it up to her. He gives her the Karma-spiel we've come to know and love, and asks her her name. Since nobody ever bothered to ask for her name before, she's immediately smitten and invites Earl over for tea.

Next day at CWL's house, Randy refuses to go in. He doesn't want to be turned into pudding, and he especially doesn't want Earl to be turned into pudding because he simply can't resist pudding. Who can? Well, maybe vanilla pudding with little mustache hairs in it I could resist, but chocolate? No way.

Earl and CWL are having a lovely tea party when the roofie kicks in and Earl passes out like a co-ed at Spring Break. CWL chains Earl to a post in her basement. Earl would like an explanation. CWL tells Earl that his apology brought back all of her repressed feelings of anger and now she wants revenge on everybody who's ever wronged her. You little scamp, she tells Earl, you'll never see daylight again. Cue dramatic dum dum dum music.

Eventually Randy gets worried because Earl hasn't come out yet so he knocks on CWL's door, visions of pudding dancing in his head. CWL invites Randy in, tempting him with video games, wrestling action figures, dirty movies and peanuts. He is just a man. Moments later, Randy tumbles down the basement stairs, enshrouded in a burlap sack, his shoes sticking out, and soon finds himself chained to Earl's post. CWL just loves the look of terror in a fresh victim's eyes. It's very much what she imagines an orgasm might be like.

What was Randy's crime against CWL? He threw a bucket of water on her and yelled Melt, Bitch! One of those things that I'm sure seemed like a good idea at the time...

Joy is mad at Darnell for taking her to task about her being mean to CWL and pretty much everybody else she's ever come across. A Crabshack patron confirms her worst fears when he describes her as "Mean" and he describes Darnell as "Great, no marvelous, no nice, no great..."

Randy has devised a plan to free the Hickey boys that's only slightly less complicated than digging three tunnels named Tom, Dick, and Harry then fleeing to Switzerland. All they have to do is capture a mouse, teach it sign language, and toss it up the chimney. Methinks Lassie and Mr. Turtle have nothing to fear.

Moments later, and kuh-thump kuh-thump there's two more sacks tumbling down the stairs. It's Gay Kenny and Stuart Daniels, Camden County's poster children for same-sex marriage. Gay Kenny knows he never did anything to CWL, but Stuart can't exactly make that same claim. While he was a deputy, he just may have called CWL a "whack job." Yeah, I could see how that might be tough to sell as anything but a put-down. Trying to chill out his life partner, Stuart tells Kenny, Be strong Bear Cub.

At the Crabshack, Joy is explaining her inner niceness to the lovely Catalina. Catalina couldn't agree more saying, Niceness is always best when nobody can see it. Joy feels a tappy-tap on her shoulder, and turning around she sees CWL. Witch! escapes Joy's lips before she can bite back on it. But CWL just wants Joy to come to her house to do her a favor. Okey dokey, says Joy, because that's what nice people do. And the next thing you know, it's kuh-thump kuh-thump down the stairs and there's pink sneakers sticking out of a burlap sack. Hey look, says Randy to Earl, it's Joy.

The imprisoned Camden County Brain Trust has yet to come up with an escape plan, well, a workable escape plan, and this comes as no surprise to Joy. Hmmmm...maybe my cell phone might come in handy, she says. She tries to call the Sheriff, but hey, it's after 3:30 on a Friday, and they've all gone bowling. So she calls Darnell. And the next thing you know, it's kuh-thump kuh-thump down the stairs and there's Darnell's cell phone ring tone emanating from out of a burlap sack.

Since everybody else had done something mean to CWL to get themselves into this predicament, Joy is convinced that Darnell aka Mr. Nice must've done something mean too. Best Line (Joy to Darnell) - "Who's the black calling the kettle pot, now?" But Darnell's transgression was strictly a Three's Company-esque miscommunication. A patron at the Crabshack asked Darnell Who's that lady? And seeking clarification, Darnell asked Which lady? Well, CWL thought Darnell said "Witch Lady" and hilarity and a ceramic rooster to Darnell's cranium (he wouldn't drink the tea) ensued.

As the chained gang swims in collective misery, the door at the top of the stairs opens, and it's the lovely Catalina! She floats like an angel down the stairs and chains herself to a pipe. See, a superstitious Catalina had told a very sad story to CWL, and when CWL wept a tear of sorrow, Catalina scooped up that Witch's Tear in a little jar to gain immortality. Since Catalina had been roofie-ed so many times, CWL's drugged tea had no effect on her. But the lovely and sympathetic Catalina was smitten by CWL's resemblance to her aunt, so click-clank and Catalina voluntarily chains herself up, coming awfully close to fulfilling one of my fantasies.

Moments later and there's another kuh-thump kuh-thump down the stairs and it's Patty the Daytime Hooker. What's she doing there?, you might ask. Well, after all, she did take dad's side in the divorce. Yup, CWL is her mom. She's CWL's daughter. Didn't see that coming. That's what she said.

But this latest development presents a problem, CWL explains. She's running out of room. Somebody is going to have to die ("I'm going to stab and stab and stab...") to make more room. She lets her prisoners decide who it's going to be. The inmates resort to labels to make their choice and de-humanize the intended victim: Joy = Bitch, Stuart = Kenny's Bitch, Patty = Whore, Randy = Dumb Guy, Catalina = Stripper (that was particularly harsh), Darnell = Nice Guy, Earl = Friggin Karma Zombie.

Earl recognizes that labeling people like this is exactly what they did to CWL, and that's why she's crazy. So he stands up and volunteers, knowing that CWL won't kill him. He couldn't've been wronger. CWL sticks a kitchen knife in his gut. Turns out CWL actually is homicidal crazy. Patty flings an eff me pump, knocking out CWL ("Sorry, Mom!"), and the gang is freed.

CWL, I mean Griselda, finally gets the psychiatric help she needs, and is soon a friendly, harmless, and contributing member of society once again. The rest of the chained gang has taken her lesson to heart. Joy tries to be nicer, Darnell tries to be meaner, Randy tries to be less dumber, Earl sticks his Karma list in a drawer, Patty tries to be a good daughter, and Catalina puts out a sexy calendar.

Earl tries to cross off # 168 but finds his shirt pocket empty having put his list in a drawer. Oh well, he says, I'll do it later. Roll credits.

Welcome to Pimmit Hills Trailer Park where the Hickey boys are only too glad to scrape off the gore and grey matter from your windows AND remove that pesky Crime Scene tape. Earl and Randy may not be very happy scrubbing up after an arrest gone bad, but Joy is happy. She's got Earl and Randy cleaning up the nasty, and her son Dodge doing the dishes so he can go to Chaz Dalton's Space Academy. Earl's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, I mean astronauts, and he's got a big ol' warm and fuzzy man-crush for Chaz (and Burt Reynolds).

As teens, Earl and Randy attended Chaz Dalton's Space Academy, and for the first time, Earl was interested in learning. And becoming Chaz Dalton. To that end, Earl stole Chaz' space suit and helmet and bounced on a tra-mamp-oline (as Homer Simpson calls it) to feel the effects of weightlessness. Feeling that the spacesuit could use a little sprucing up (IOW - getting rid of that teenage boy underarm funk), Earl threw the suit into the dryer causing it to shrink to Beverly Hills Chihuahua size. Unable to return the spacesuit to its proper owner, Earl never went back to space camp. Welcome to Earl's Karma list, Chaz.

My favorite part of these scenes was Young Randy in the background smelling cleaning supplies, choking down on his rising gorge.

So Earl finally returns to Space Academy bearing a Whitman Sampler, looking to make amends for past sins. He introduces himself to Chaz, explains his Karma list, proffers the chocolates, and awaits Chaz' reaction. Chaz is cool with it and he forgives Earl. He understands youthful exuberance. After all, he asks Earl, you know what fuels the space shuttle? Dreams, say Earl and Chaz in unison.

Darnell is on his computer, finally happy to be Harry Monroe again. (Blogger's NOTE - As I have stated before, Harry Monroe is the name of the character that Richard Pryor played in Stir Crazy.) He's setting himself up an account on Buddy Book (like Facebook and MySpace but without the old people). He's already got 320 friends. That's two more than anybody needs, says Joy. One who's poorer than you to make you feel rich, and one who's fatter than you to make you feel thin.

Earl wants to replace the space suit, so he goes to the local NASA field office. The nice lady there says they don't sell space suits but maybe those spend-thrifts at Cape Kennedy might be able to help. As she goes to make a call, Earl and Randy see a picture on the wall of Chaz Dalton. A picture of Chaz Dalton that looks nothing like the Chaz Dalton Earl knows. What gives? $50 to the NASA lady, a talking dog, and a Mystery Van later and Earl has Chaz' address.

Joy wants on Buddy Book too, so Darnell sets her up with an account. Darnell needs to add just a couple tidbits of information for Joy's bio...

Sex? Love it
Race? American
Sexual Orientation? Reverse Cowboy
Occupation? Pimp, no, Hustler, no, Big Baller...better just put Mom
Home Town? Your Face (just outside Dubuque I think)
Political Affiliation? Gop (pronounced Gop, not gee-oh-pee)
Favorite Book? Phone

...And Joy's good to go.

Earl and Randy track down the real Chaz Dalton (played by Curtis Armstrong from Revenge of the Nerds, Risky Business, Moonlighting), and they find him in his front yard tossing empty vodka bottles in the the trash can and scooping up dog poop. And flinging dog poop at Earl and Randy. He thinks we're Jojoba Witnesses, says Randy.

Earl explains that there's an imposter making money off of Chaz' good name, and off they go to put an end to that malarkey.

Joy's got no buddies on her Buddy Book, and she's at the Crabshack to learn the reson why. Pickled Egg Guy and Black Cowboy are no help, so she demands an answer of The Great One, Mr. Tim Stack. Tim tells Joy that she's mean. And he has syphilis. Joy was unaware of both. Learn something new everyday, huh?

Earl and Randy and Chaz make it back the Chaz Dalton Space Academy and confront the Faux Chaz Dalton. Turns out FCD's name is really Wayne, and he was a maintenance man for NASA who always wanted to be an astronaut but failed to make the cut in every category including bra cup size. Chaz recognizes Wayne as the guy he paid to go to public events in his stead.

The Real Chaz Dalton was not a big fan of the public meet-and-greet. So when the opportunity arose to dedicate the Paul Lynde Memorial Park, Chaz paid Wayne to pretend that he was Chaz, and, well, it just kind of snow-balled from there. Wayne had been successfully passing himself off as Chaz for years. Earl's not too happy about this façade, and he tells Wayne, You put the "ass" in astronaut! Wayne skulks off dejectedly.

That must be a running joke on this show because I seem to recall Joy painting something very similar on Earl's car.

Next day at the Chaz Dalton Space Academy, and it's the Real Chaz Dalton on stage. Might not've been the best decision, because Chaz is pretty well liquored up. He screams at the impressionable youngsters Get offa my lawn! and passes out.

Chaz never really had was has been called The Right Stuff. He wasn't a very good astronaut suffering from claustrophobia, motion sickness, and fear of heights. Apparently, Chaz' bra cup size was never called into question. I'm not a hero, Chaz tells Earl. The people don't want Chaz Dalton the man, they want Chaz Dalton the myth. Earl sympathizes with Chaz's emotional and heartfelt confession by locking Chaz in a closet. In the closet, Chaz finds boxes of letters from kids who express their admiration for "Chaz Dalton" and dream of one day becoming an astronaut.

Earl tries to run the Space Academy by himself but soon find he also is in short supply of The Right Stuff. Rolling a kid in a garbage can and having the kids put plastic bags on their heads to simulate conditions in space are adventures likely found only in the Earl Hickey Do-It-Yourself Space Academy handbook.

Wayne returns to re-claim his lunch and Earl recruits him to resume command of the Space Academy. Wayne's a natural and the kids love him. Chaz and Earl can only stand back and watch Wayne as he dazzles and wows the young cadets. Cross off one more list item.

Darnell has lost a night's sleep by creating 352 identities and linking them to Joy's Buddy Book site. One of them looked suspiciously like Connie Chung...

Chaz Dalton called in a favor from NASA, and as the episode closes, Earl is in a space suit and helmet, piloting a shuttle simulator to the moon. Roll credits.

I loved this episode. There, I said it. I even said it aloud.

It was quite possibly the best sans-Catalina episode to date.

This was one of those episodes that's great to watch, but tough to blog. There's so much going on it's hard to describe it and do it justice. But what the hell...let's give it a try shall we?

The ep opens with Randy at the Crabshack. Randy misses Darnell so much that he's assembled a Scarecrow Darnell to be his drinking buddy. Earl is back at the trailer, gazing mournfully at Darnell and Joy's wedding photo. There's a knock at the door, and it's Sergeant...I mean Captain Murtaugh...I mean...a large angry black man (played by guest star Danny Glover) with lots of questions regarding Darnell's current whereabouts.

Blogger's Note - Mr. Glover's vast body of work in television and numerous movies notwithstanding, I am convinced that it was his performance in 2008's Unstable Fables: Tortoise vs. Hare (played the voice of Walter Tortoise, first cousin to Darnell's Mr. Stuart Turtle) that got him the role of Crabman's dad.

Earl plays dumb, "plays" being a relative term, but LABM somehow manages to see through Earl's ploy. Before you can say Where's Riggs?, Earl finds himself handcuffed to a suitcase bomb. Tell me where Darnell is or become azalea food. What are azaleas? asks Earl.

In Swankyville, Darnell's coming home from his office job when he hears gunshots in the other room. Faster than a mongoose, he grabs up a couple of weighty candleholders and bounds into the next room only to find his boys shooting hookers and car thieves on the Xbox. Joy's had herself a pretty busy day what with microwaving Darnell's TV dinner and pretending to be the maid AND the nanny AND the gardener. Oh Snap, where's her sombrero it's time to cut the grass.

Back in Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Randy's managed to get himself handcuffed to Earl and the bomb. Neither will fess up as to where's Darnell. But it's okay: Randy Has A Plan. I don't know if screaming and hoping the bomb doesn't go off has ever worked in the history of bombs, but this time it does. The final few seconds were encapsulated in a 24-style split-screen montage of Joy washing the floor (looking very Catalina-esque in her maid outfit), LABM in his car listening to The Girl From Ipanema, Earl and Randy screaming, and Tim Stack in the Crabshack downing a shot and falling off a barstool.

But the bomb doesn't explode, and LABM comes back into the trailer and drops a bombshell of a different sort: He's Darnell's father, Thomas. (Glad to finally have a name for him. I didn't like calling him LABM.) Thomas is glad to see his son has such loyal friends, and after presenting his bona fides (photo of afro-ed father and son) and explaining his past (covert government agent), Thomas tells Earl and Randy that he just wants to get right with his son. After tasting one of Thomas' tears, Earl gets all verklempt and agrees to deliver Thomas' belated birthday card to Darnell.

Earl and Randy sojourn to Joy and Darnell's new digs (courtesy of the Witness Protection Program). Randy wants Darnell to come back to Camden because they have a new black president. Darnell treats us to a flashback of his younger pre-Darnell Harry Monroe days including...

• Infant Harry completing a Rubik's Cube in his crib
• Judo training
• Martini testing ("That one's shaken, that one's stirred.")
• Special Ops Assassination

It's this last one that's the cause of all of Darnell's troubles. His Agency sent him to kill a nine year old ruler of a socialist movement ("Why is your government threatened by a pediocracy?"). That causes Darnell to question his superiors at the agency and that caused the agency to put out a contract on Harry Monroe and that caused Harry Monroe to go into the WPP and become Darnell Turner.

Earl agrees that sometimes Dads suck, but maybe this here birthday card from your dad will help. Darnell finds the tracking device in the birthday card just as Thomas bursts into the house, shooting knockout darts at everything that moves. Darnell manages to catch the darts, and father and son engage in a Battle Royale ending in a draw. Thomas calls a timeout with a Murtaugh-esque "I'm getting too old for this" and informs Darnell that the reason he was such a hard-driving father was because he didn't want Darnell to "..be soft like your brother..." What brother?, asks Darnell. Oooh, there's a multi-episode arc in the offing...

Thomas offers Darnell an out. If Darnell will go on one more mission, the agency will forgive all past sins. Darnell grudgingly agrees.

Earl wakes up in an airborne helicopter. Earl, Thomas, and Darnell are on a secret mission, and Earl is there as leverage to make sure that Darnell cooperates. Unfortunately, as exciting as that sounds, Earl is going to miss the fun. Darnell gives him an injection to make sure that he doesn't see anything he's not supposed to. The knock-out drug works as advertised but keeps wearing off and requires frequent re-applications (i.e., repeated injections).

Through Earl's half-shuttered eyes we see Darnell's mission unfold: there's a stolen golden artifact, a covert interrogation, getting buried alive, a lost contact lens, a threatened mass killing (loved Darnell in a burqa), the disarming of an anthrax bomb, and Earl in a diaper.

Déjà vu-ing, Earl re-awakens in the helicopter just wanting to know Is it over? Thomas tells Earl that they had to inject him forty-five times and that Earl may want to drink large quantities of water. And oh, by the way, side effects may include...

The big problem right now, other than Earl's twitching and saying "Geet geet aaack snort" a lot is that the helo's engine is failing and there's only two parachutes for three people. Darnell straps Earl into one of the chutes and throws him out the door. Earl lands safely in a tree, his feet dangling two feet above the ground. Thomas and Darnell fight over the remaining chute. Darnell straps himself in, and giving his father a mighty bear hug, throws the two of them out of the flaming chopper together.

Joy and Randy are despondent in the absence of their loved ones. Their sadness turns to gladness when a large black SUV with tinted windows drops off Earl and Darnell at the front door. O Happy Day! Hugs and happiness abound.

Dinnertime, and the whole gang is seated around the kitchen table. The evening news is on (courtesy of Joe Schmoe's Ralph Garman), and there's been a flurry of international intrigue involving a theft at the Cairo Museum, the crash of a military helicopter, and an anthrax bomb failing to detonate in France. Darnell whispers to Earl, You don't know nothin'. Earl responds, "Geet geet aaack snort." Roll credits.

Earl's sleeping in Joy and Darnell's waterbed. Joy and Darnell don't need it because they're still in the Witness Protection Program. Suddenly a tsunami named Randy joins Earl under the comforter. Randy's looking for some comfort because he heard a strange noise outside and he's afraid it might be the Shower Cap Killer. (Any relation to the Mail Box Sniper from a couple episodes ago?) The boys arm themselves and open the door, and O Happy Day! Mr. Turtle is on the stoop. Mr. Turtle had himself quite the little adventure what with the pet-loving nudists, partaking in his first marathon, and making the turtle with two backs with a lovely lady turtle. But he's taken a page from Lassie's playbook, and Mr. Turtle Has Come Home.

Earl and Randy take Mr. Turtle to the Crabshack to celebrate. The Shack has changed a mite in Darnell's absence. Gay Kenny's behind the bar serving up Sex In The City-themed martinis (Kenny: "Earl, I bet you're a Carrie."), and a whole new sweater-tied-around-the-shoulders and sibilant esses crowd has replaced the usual leather jackets and mullets clientele. There's even Wham! on the jukebox. Earl goes to feed Mr. Turtle with the food Darnell left behind and finds a note with Darnell's phone number only to be used should Mr. Turtle return. Which he has. So Earl does.

Darnell's got himself an office job when his afro-phone starts ringing. Darnell gives Earl his new address and asks Earl to please drop Mr. Turtle into the slippery fingers of the USPS. The lovely Catalina reminds Earl that a turtle is not like a vase or a person, and that you can't just mail them. So Earl and Mr. Turtle hit the road.

In Earl's absence, Randy's lonely. And what better tonic for loneliness than alcohol? At the Crabshack, Randy's cuddling an Earl-less flannel shirt and bending Gay Kenny's ear, bemoaning the fact that he can't sleep without his Earlsy Wearlsy. Jim (played by Eric Allan Kramer; The Hughleys, Robin Hood: Men In Tights) overhears Randy's whimpering and offers a sympathetic large and hairy shoulder for Randy to cry into.

Next morning, Earl and Mr. Turtle show up at a swanky house where Earl's multi-tone El Camino is decidedly out of place. He rings the doorbell and Joy, aka Goldie Cristál, answers looking all Oh Snap and Oh No You Ditn't. It doesn't take long before Earl and Joy are commiserating about how they've both been looked down on by the Ritchie Rich's in their lives. Joy wants desperately to fit in (her White Trash-themed cocktail party going over about as well as a White Trash-themed cocktail party can), so she gives Earl the bum's rush out the door. Backing out of the driveway, Earl's trusty El Camino burps a gout of exhaust smoke into the unsuspecting eyes of a little yappy foo-foo purse dog, blinding him.

Back in Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Randy's new friend has rented a Patrick Swayze video (To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar) that looks like it's got plenty of ass-kickin'. Well, it might have plenty of ass-something, but it sure ain't kickin'. Jim suggests he stay the night. Randy does love a sleepover.

Karma takes a dim view of cruelty to useless creatures, so Earl takes the vile canine to the vet. A miniature pair of Fendi sunglasses later, and thanks to an implanted microchip, Earl now has the smelly little beast's address. He knocks on the door and who should answer but Morgan Fairchild (aka Mrs. Jon Lovitz; Falcon Crest, Fashion House, Friends, Flamingo Road - awful lot of effs there). Earl presents her blinded fleabag ("Do you own a dog named Gooky?" "No, it's Gucci."), and explains his Karma list. Morgan's never heard of such a thing, nor has she ever had a flannel shirt on her property that wasn't attached to a lawn mower, so she invites Earl in to hear more.

Turns out that Morgan and her wealthy friends played by Joan Van Ark (Knot's Landing, Dallas, The Last Dinosaur) and Andrea Parker (The Pretender, Less Than Perfect) are so filled with privilege and ennui that they are constantly searching out the latest new spiritual fad to fill their otherwise drab and dreary trophy wife lives. And if a spiritual fad won't fill the bill, a nice cocktail will have to do. Their lives have gotten so empty and joyless (so to speak) that these ladies can't even get a good night's sleep. Joy tries to curry the ladies favor by telling them that Earl is her long-time spiritual advisor.

Jim and Randy are having a gay old time. Randy invites Jim to spend the night in his bed, but Jim thinks they should take it slow. It takes Randy four minutes to turn off the light. I don't think that's what Jim meant.

Earl's giving the ladies a "Do Good Things And Good Things Happen" PowerPoint presentation (not a lot of Power but a lot of Pointing) on the finer aspects of Karma. He's even anagrammed it:

K - arma
A - wesome
R - eally good
M - ost wonderful
A - merica

The ladies buy into what Earl's selling, and soon they're all trying to make it up to their perennially maltreated maids. The gals even want to get Earl on Oprah. Assuming of course, that he delivers that new pool, new plane, and new set of matching boobs. Earl spends a restless night scheming how to deliver the goods. But it turns out the ladies don't need all the stuff. Well, maybe the matching boobs would still be nice, but it's not a deal-breaker. After accepting Karma, the ladies actually had a pleasant and restful night sleep. One of them might've even had sex with her husband! And they're going to be nicer to Joy, I mean Goldie. As the ladies bask in their new-found It's Nice To Be Nice-ness, Earl catches a stress-free nap.

Looking to get a little something-something going, Jim suggests to Randy that they do more than sleep. Randy tells Jim that he and Earl used to do all kinds of crazy stuff. That's certainly got Jim's attention. But right then, a pair of headlights sweep across the Love Chamber. It's Earl...he's back, Randy exclaims. Jim's heart is crushed once again, and he defenestrates lovelorn and unfulfilled. Dammit Jim, he says to himself, You're not a surgeon, you can't fix broken hearts. Roll credits.

Earl and Randy have moved into Joy and Darnell's abandoned trailer. Everything's still covered with plastic, so for Randy that means going to the bathroom does not necessarily require a trip to the bathroom. The lovely Catalina drops off the boy's mail as the USPS is still worried about that darn mailbox sniper (Easter egg for future episode?). And lo and behold what have we here? Randy's received his birthday card from his not-quite-all-there grandma (who thinks he's Abraham Lincoln), and enclosed is a scratch-off lottery ticket. Zowie! It's a winner! Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition because Randy's just won $250. In his excitement, Randy, aping Earl's pilot episode lottery-winning jubilence, raises his hands heavenward, runs outside, woo hoo's, and is promptly felled by a pig-tailed tweener on a Schwinn. In a dazed horizontal stupor, Randy watches his lotto ticket waft away on the breeze.

Joy and Darnell have been re-located by the Witness Protection Program folks because of Joy's appearance on Estrada or Nada. And by the looks of their new digs, the WPP-ers aren't pleased. Welcome to New York, says the G-man. At least, that's what I think he said because his actual voice was drowned out by the El train rumbling past right outside the window.

Randy's convinced his recent happenings are Karma's way of telling him that he, like big brother Earl, is now on the Karma train, and must start righting wrongs. He's excited to start his new career, so he's quaffing a mug of Space Beer (Tang and Dharma beer one assumes) and watching Carson Daly. Carson, if you recall, was the one who inspired Earl four seasons ago. And it works. Mr. Daly mentions one Andrew Dice Clay, and that reminds Randy of a less-than-noble deed he once perpetrated: Stole Earl's Andrew Dice Clay Belt Buckle.

Back in their larceny-tainted days of yore, Earl and Randy acquired some new neighbors, Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh. Earl and Zeke hit it off smashingly, entering wacky contest after wacky contest in pursuit of free t-shirts. It was little brothers Randy and Arlo who had nothing more to discuss once they got past comparing scabs and birthmarks. So Randy came up with a surprisingly intricate scheme for breaking up Earl and Zeke. He stole Earl's belt buckle and framed Zeke. It worked. In retaliation, Earl burned all of Zeke's hard won t-shirts, and the friendship was off. Randy had his Earl back.

So now, Earl and Randy both have to add Zeke to their respective Karma lists. They go to visit Zeke and Earl lets Randy explain the sitch. Everyone agrees that to set things right, Earl and Zeke must resume their friendship and their free t-shirt scoring endeavors. And soon, like Forrest and Jenny, they're peas and carrots again.

Meanwhile, in Gotham, Joy's had it up to her peroxide weave with their new accommodations. Living above a dry cleaner might be all that to some, but it ain't working for Joy, who's still holding on her dreams of becoming Goldie Cristál. Poor Dodge just wants to know which side of the kitchen sink is the bathroom. (Kinda reminded me of Bill Henrickson's dad - played by Bruce Dern - on Big Love. A sink-pee-er from way back.) Joys hollers their true identities out the window, and the jolly g-men, actually a man and a woman, are knocking on the door with new identities in hand. But the lumberjack camp isn't much better. Darnell as Lars Noordvisk? He's good, but he ain't that good. Joy hops up on a stump loudly proclaiming their true identities, and it's g-man and g-woman to the rescue once again.

While Earl and Zeke are off glomming on to yet another free t-shirt, Arlo is feeling neglected, alone and miserable. What else can a lonely boy do but set fire to his brother's t-shirts? Randy figures out his true Karma quest is re-uniting the brothers Zeke and Arlo. He just doesn't know how to do it. So it's off to the Crabshack for a little brain lubricant. Talking to Arlo, Randy figures out that Arlo just doesn't know how to be a good little brother. So Randy passes on the extent of his hard-earned knowledge and experience. Arlo is an eager and apt pupil.

The WPP agents have got the Turners situated in an igloo. They think they've finally got Joy buffaloed. They obviously don't know Joy all that well. But there's one thing that Joy does know very well, and that's the signs of marital infidelity. Both agents display classic signs of forbidden love...a Luther Vandross CD, a missing earring, an askew tie. Joy threatens to drop a bombshell if Goldie Cristál doesn't get her swanky crib on a palm tree-lined boulevard. (Joy: "Hello, Agent Scully. Is this the X-Files? Or the Triple X-files...") So the Turners loaded up the truck and it's off to Bev-er-leeeee...

Back at the trailer park, both sets of brothers are re-united. Earl and Zeke are basking in bonhomie, but Randy and Arlo not so much. Randy quietly instructs Arlo to Play Little Brother, and verbally assaults him with a "What are you, from the State of Douche-achusetts...?" This causes Zeke to rush to his brother's defense. Which in turn causes Earl to rush to his brother's defense, accusing Zeke of being "..the Mayor of Ass-ylvania..." So Zeke and Arlo storm off, leaving Earl and Randy in the dust.

Surprisingly, Earl is much satisfied with this turn of events. Earlier, Zeke had been complaining to him that he was jealous of Earl and Randy's relationship. So Earl passed on the extent of his hard-earned knowledge and experience of how to be a big brother. Zeke was an eager and apt pupil. So when Randy started in on Arlo, Earl nudged Zeke to Play Big Brother.

Randy attempted to close the episode using Earl's patented And That's The Name Of That Tune eyebrow raise. But Earl stopped him saying, "That eyebrow raise? That's kinda my thing." Roll credits.

END OF EARL'S JOKE: The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a ship's wheel attached to your crotch." And the pirate says, "Yeah, and it's driving me nuts."

If you missed last week's episode, click here to get the backstory. Suffice it to say that Darnell's cover in the Witness Protection Program has been blown by Earl and Joy, but mostly Earl. And mostly Joy. For Earl to cross off item # 31 - Ruined Joy's Chance Of Being On TV, Earl's got to make things right. That's proving to be very difficult because Joy and Darnell and the boys have been snatched and Earl has no idea where they are.

But that's no reason not to hang out at the Crabshack, drink some beer, and watch Loser of the Week on Camden County news. Why is this relevant? Because this week's LotW is none other than Joy Turner and her infamous antics on Estrada or Nada that led to Darnell's Getting Outed.

Really, you're going to have to read last week's recap if you want to sit at the big table with the grown-ups.

The Turners are hunkered down in a Hitleresque bunker. Darnell is meditating like Qui-gon Jinn at the Theed Generator Complex while Joy is on simmer. She goes to full rolling boil when the WPP G-man delivers their new identities: Marty & Phyllis Rosenstein and their sons Ira and Lennie from Ohio. Joy's dumbfounded: "I speak Hebrew?!?" She'd also prefer a better name, Goldie Cristal (like what Diddy drinks), and she's none too happy about her new avocation, sewing clothes for dogs for her boutique Collie Wanna Cracker. Sounds spiffy to me though.

Earl and Randy (and the still-lost Mr. Turtle) have no idea how to find Joy and Darnell, but they know someone who might. Willie the One-eyed Mailman has been forwarding their mail, and that gives Earl an idea. One double-doofus-sized crate later, and Earl and Randy are trying to mail themselves to Joy and Darnell. Catalina, who has experience in this sort of thing, helps with the accommodations. And the stamps. Seeing the over-sized crate and having some experience of his own in these matters, Willie believes it's Catalina in the box and wishes her a happy vacation.

Now in full WPP-mode, Darnell admires his new tweed look, and the boys look dapper in their new yarmulkes (especially Earl Jr. who looked like Jose Cardenál), but Joy's new attire (dark hair, glasses, and frumpy sweater) makes her look like a Before on The Swan.

Overhearing Darnell tell the G-man how he preferred to stay in the trailer park with Joy instead of taking a different "assignment" to Tokyo, Joy realizes what Darnell gave up for her and the boys and she decides to hold up her end of the bargain. She becomes Phyllis Rosenstein, granny panties and all. Quite a nice performance by Ms. Pressly too, might I add. It was great hearing Hebrew in a Southern accent. I couldn't tell if she was actually reading that scroll or clearing her throat, but hey, that's just me.

Earl and Randy have been crated for over six hours by now, and, after splitting a cricket (the insect, not the game), find themselves deposited in a dumpster with a whole bunch of other undeliverable quote unquote forwarded mail. Earl finds a letter addressed to Joy inviting to her to re-tryout for Estrada or Nada. Looks like Earl just might be able to cross off # 31. All he needs is $50 and a whole bunch of text messages from his co-horts at the Crabshack. Even Catalina will text for Joy. She Jumped For Joy, so texting for Joy should be no big, especially if it'll help the guys who want to kill Joy find Joy.

After tallying the text message votes, Erik Estrada announces that Joy Turner is the winner (I must admit...I kinda saw that one coming), and is invited to appear on the show to put up her talents against the inimitable, toothsome, and seemingly endlessly talented Mr. Estrada. A quick Darnell judo chop to the back of the G-man's neck and the Turners are on their way.

At the taping or Estrada or Nada, Earl and Randy are in the audience when at the very last minute Joy appears. She challenges Mr. Estrada to a series of circus sideshow acts: Joy - Stretchy Singing Thing; Erik - Cannonball To The Stomach While Kazoo-ing. It's a tie! Next act? Fire-breathing. Another Tie!! Next act? Music on Wine Glasses. And it's yet another tie!!! The tension is so thick and delicious you could frost a cake with it. Now it's up to Joy to pick, and she chooses her newfound talents: Dressing A Dog While Speaking Hebrew And Answering Ohio Trivia. Mr. Estrada delivers and astounds and loses by the slimmest of margins: He mis-spelled his Ohio trivia answer. Quoth Mr. Dunkleman: "The Great One has fallen." Conceding defeat, Erik tells Joy, "You remind me of a young me. Prepare to be famous."

After the show, Joy realizes that it was Earl who made all of this happen. She crosses # 31 off of his list, and in a very touching and emotional scene she tells Earl that she treated him like crap all those years out of love. Earl and Randy part ways with Joy and Darnell, and much like being unable to keep his eyes open for a photogragh, Earl finds himself unable to say the word "goodbye." Just like Trapper and Hawkeye at the end of M*A*S*H. Roll credits.

According to a TV Guide interview with series creator Greg Garcia, Danny Glover will guest-star in a several-episode arc as Crab Man (Eddie Steeples) 's dad.

As faithful viewers, we've known for quite some time that Crab Man is in the Witness Protection Program, but it wasn't until last week that the rest of Camden County was let in on that little secret. See last week's recap. Mr. Glover's storyline is supposed to shed some light on that backstory.

In other Danny Glover news, Mr. Glover Saw How Stella Got Her Groove Back while his Beloved Brothers & Sisters whipped out a Lethal Weapon (aka Switchback knife), insisting that video renters Be Kind Rewind. The situation quickly degraded from there when Mr. Glover's Lonesome Dove claimed to have Witness-ed Angels in the Outfield while driving his Silverado through the Grand Canyon trying desperately to avoid re-watching Predator 2.

Boy, was this episode a doozie. It had everything I like about this show: a hard-to-solve list item for Earl, plenty of Joy and Darnell, Catalina in her Club Chubby outfit, Randy singing opera, Erik Estrada, and a to-be-continued at the end. Let's get to recappin'!

The ep opens with Darnell taking a snoozer on his couch. Joy comes in toting groceries, and she's immediately pissed because the trailer's a big messy mess. She's also irked because whenever Darnell naps the whole neighborhood takes it as an opportunity to drop off their young'uns for some free babysitting. Cherubic Deaf Oliver under the laundry basket sure could use some cheese crunchies.

Over at the Palm Motel, Randy's clicking up and down the TV dial looking for something to watch when he happens upon an old episode of CHiPs.

Let it be the one with the robot let it be the one with the robot let it be the one with the robot, says Earl. It isn't. It isn't even CHIPs. It's a new reality game show starring the immensely talented Erik Estrada in a new series called Estrada Or Nada. The idea behind the show being the contestants challenge Mr. Estrada to a variety of talents and abilities such as hotdog eating, fencing, mathing, lumberjacking, violining, and sewing.

And behold wonder of wonders they're going to be holding tryouts in Camden County next week! This gives Earl the chance to make right # 31 - Ruined Joy's Chance Of Being On TV.

Flashback: Back in the early days of Joy and Earl's marriage, Joy had her heart set on getting on Fear Factor. To the strains of BTO's You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet, she put herself through the 12 Labors of Hercules for her audition tape (my favorite was licking the batteries) only to have her beloved husband blow the tape to smithereens with a shotgun. Earl was wise enough at the time to keep that little tidbit of information to himself.

So Earl tells the whole story to Joy. She's mighty upset, but her heart just isn't in it. She'd given up on that dream long ago, Joe Rogan's failure to call her to be on FF was the final straw.

Flashback: Very Young Joy is being tucked into bed by her grandmother. Joy tells grandma about her dream of being on TV and famous. But Grandma informs Joy that she "...comes from a long line of liars, cheats, and harelips..." so she'd do well to get rid of those dreams as soon as possible. But Young Joy ain't one to give up that easily.

Cue Journey's Any Way You Want It. Looking into her mirror, Young Joy dreams of becoming Miss America for two years running because none of the other contestants are pretty enough. Fast forward to teenage Joy (quite the cutie) running for class president. She might've won too, and not just the hottie vote, if she hadn't courted the votes of the "...fat girls, nerdy Asians, butter-faced cheerleaders, and closeted homosexuals..." Back looking into her mirror, Teen Joy fantasized about becoming President of the United States for two years running. Adult Joy gazes admiringly into her own image and fantasizes about getting an award for being the most unafraid contestant ever on FF.

After hearing Joy's tale of woe, Earl realizes that it wasn't just that Joy wanted to be on Fear Factor, but he killed Joy's dream of being on TV and famous. Randy, meanwhile, is practicing for his own audition to get on Estrada Or Nada, trying to snatch 50 pennies off of his elbow. Oops, maybe better try 49.

Joy looks deep into her soul, and a whole lot of mirrors, and overnight she reconsiders her decision. It'd be a short episode if she didn't. Next morning, Joy bursts into Earl and Randy's motel room and tells Earl Okay, let's get 'er done. Randy has given up on the penny-snatching, and is singing the Libretto from Verdi's Rigoletto. Or some such. Opera's never really been my strong suit. And not doing too badly might I add. Joy's way impressed. He's good, she says, I better practice. Hope they have a cuckolding category or Joy's chances aren't looking too good.

Finally, the day of the auditions arrives. The whole gang is standing in line, and the man with the headset and clipboard is handing out numbers. 297, 298, Catalina gets 299 (sure-fire machete act), Randy gets 300, and that's it. No more auditions. Randy reluctantly gives up his number for Joy, but only if Earl will do an item on his list for Randy like right now, no wait-sies. Randy picks # 182 - Played Tetherball with Randy's Face. Turnaround she is a bitch. Cut to the playground. Randy serves up the tetherball into Earl's face. Earl falls to the pavement. That's one, says Randy.

Back at the auditions, the ventriloquist (with the Hitler dummy) 's chances gets the thumbs down. The midget in the policeman's uniform on the little motorcycle (MicroCHiPs) gets a big thumbs up. Couldn't really argue with either of those calls. We never do get to see Catalina's audition, but I'm sure it was spectacular.

After a brief intro from erstwhile American Idol host Brian Dunkleman ("Dunkleman out!"), it's Joy's turn.

Joy takes the stage, puts her feet behind her head, and announces herself as the Crustacean Sensation. I didn't know she was that flexible when we were married, says Earl. I did, says Darnell. Joy starts singing These Claws Were Made For Walkin', but immediately gets gonged by the All Star panel of judges. It's just too silly, says Dunkleman. Never one to take no for an answer, Joy picks up her boombox and whacks Dunkleman upside the head and proceeds to pummel him into a bloody stain. Darnell leaps on stage to pull his rabid wife off of the hapless and helpless Dunkleman.

Back at the Crabshack, the lightly-soused crowd is watching Estrada Or Nada on the tube. They show Joy's audition-slash-A&B, and Darnell's face is clearly in focus. A cell phone rings. Everyone looks around to see who's phone is ringing. Darnell reaches into his hair, pulls out his Aph-rone, and says, "Go for Darnell." He listens briefly, sets down the phone, and it spontaneously combusts. His Witness Protection cover blown, Darnell and his loved ones gotta get gone and I mean like now.

Darnell tells Joy they have just enough time to leave some lip balm for the still-lost Mr. turtle, get their clothes, medicine, and his grandmother's lemon square recipe before the grabbers come to get them. Earl's truly sorry. He realizes that he is the reason that Joy and Darnell gotta split, and that he turned Joy's dream into a nightmare. Yeah, Dummy, says Randy, filling in for Joy.

All of a sudden, the lights go out, and there's a couple of dull thumps. A couple of dull thumps named Earl and Randy to be precise. The boys wake up on the floor with darts in their necks only to find Joy, Darnell, and the boys gone.

Earl is determined to find them. Randy notices there's a little bit of liquid still in his dart. He sucks out the night-night juice and flops face-first into the dirt.

Before we roll credits, we're treated to an ominous TO BE CONTINUED...