My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Earl And Joy's Anniversary

Earl and Randy are in bed. Randy wakes up...Earl's kind of in that netherworld between Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul. Randy tells Earl that he's always wanted to join the debate team. Earl says no you didn't. Randy says yes I did. Earl says no you didn't. Randy says yes I did. (I half expected the Dead Parrot sketch next.) Earl gets out of bed and silly-walks to the head. Randy smiles a smug smirky Randy grin and says I win.

We're off to the Crabshack where Earl has an item on his Karma list that needs rectifyin'. Today, it seems, is Earl and Joy's wedding anniversary. And the anniversary of the oddly-shaped dent in the Crabshack's bar.

We flash back to the early days of Earl and Joy's marriage. Joy's punishing her unborn miracle-cum-nightmare for kicking her by holding her breath. Earl enters the connubial double-wide palace bearing a belated wedding gift for his gravid bride: a cake topper, including the top tier of the wedding cake. It's amazing, he says, what you can get when you enter a bakery with a ski mask on. Joy's ever so pleased to see the cake topper. She takes it and puts it in the freezer to save it for their one-year anniversary. She saw that on Oprah, saying that Oprah don't know nothin' about marriage but she knows a whole lot about cakes.

Flash forward to Earl and Joy's one-year anniversary. Joy's scrubbing dishes (wonder what dishwashing soap she uses?) and rocking her wee baby in a roasting pan.

Earl and Randy are Earl-and-Randy-ing on the couch. Joy's had it with her lot in life. Being married to Dummkopf and Dummkopfer can't be no good time. She's looking for a little freezer-burned buttercream delight to help her get through her day. But lo and behold when she goes to the freezer to retrieve her bit of wedding cake it been mysteriously replaced by a hunk of frozen turds. Who replaced my cake with dog turds?, Joy asks. Those are cat turds, says Randy, but I don't know who did it. Sherlock Holmes need not apply. Joy goes off on Earl. That cake was a symbol, she says. Of what?, asks Earl. Good question, says I. I've had year-old wedding cake. Do yourself a favor and throw it out as soon as the checks clear.

Flash forward to Earl and Joy's second anniversary. Earl and Joy come home to find a suicide note left by Randy. At three o'clock he's shooting himself in the face at the Crabshack. Seemed pretty odd and specific to me. But then so does Randy.

Earl and Joy rush to the Crabshack to prevent Randy from doing something he may live to regret. Or not as the case may be. They burst in to find not Randy's face splattered all over the floor but a surprise anniversary party! Joy's instantly warm and fuzzy. You did this?, she asks Earl. Earl's been planning this for weeks, says Randy. The blank look on Earl's face leads one to believe otherwise. With Lynyrd Skynyrd on the juke, Joy surveys the room and recognizes an awful lot of men she knows. Intimately. Biblically. Even Crazy-eyed Donnie is willing to put down his Cheese-In-A-Can to bump uglies with Joy one more time.

Joy confronts Earl and asks Who did you invite? Randy pipes up with Oh just all the guys from your phone book...you know...Guys I Phoned. Earl looks at joy's little black book and says, That's Guys I Boned. Randy replies That's a B? I thought it was an F. Good ol' semi-literate Randy.

Flashing back to those sepia-colored days of yore, (aka 2000), on the other side of Camden, Darnell is taking a younger and spry-er Mr. Turtle for his daily constitutional. Be sure to pick up those poops Darnell! From out of nowhere, or maybe Mexico, comes a deadly swarm of killer bees. Darnell high-tails it into the nearest phone booth, whips off his glasses and clothes revealing blue tights and a red cape and becomes...oh...sorry...wrong phone booth. Or is it? Moments later a recently illegally immigrated to the US of A Catalina scampers delightfully into that same phone booth, seeking protection from those killer bees. Darnell gazes heaven-ward and mouths Thank You.

Back at Earl and Joy's second anniversary party at the Crabshack, Earl's cousin Blake (played by Jason Priestley from Beverly Hills 90210) shows up. Earl's got a sack of chips on his shoulder where Blake is concerned. Seems Blake has always one-upped Earl from way back when they were kids. Blake was far more photogenic when they both tried as kids to become backpack models. Earl's never taken a picture that didn't look like it belonged on a Post Office wall. And if Blake's at the party, that means he's in Joy's book, and if Blake's in Joy's book that means he knows Joy. Intimately. Biblically. Earl is not digging this at all.

Resourceful Earl knows just what to do. When in doubt, he says, set something on fire. And since nothing clears out a bar like running out of booze or a fire, Earl sets the men's room to blazing and all the patrons head for the exits. Unfortunately, Earl could not have foreseen the swarm of killer bees loitering outside. So all the patrons come zipping back in. Blake's Johnny-on-the-spot saying to Joy, Don't worry I'll protect you. Meanwhile Earl's ass is on fire.

In Darnell's phone booth, Catalina asks Darnell for advice. She's a dancer over at Club Chubby, and she's looking for a signature move. Have you tried jumping?, asks Darnell. And in that moment a legend is born. Seconds later Patty the Daytime Hooker joins them in the booth seeking protection from the bees.

Over at the Crabshack, Randy informs Earl that they never even got to watch the video of Earl and Joy that he's prepared. Well, says Earl, let's pop that baby in there. Randy's video montages through Earl and Joy's life. It doesn't exactly show the Rob-and-Laura-Petrie side of them that we've come to know and love. My favorite part was Earl playing Turtle with Joy. I think it's a husband thing. Wives never really seem to appreciate it as much.

In the phone booth, Patty's worried that Catalina is going to take up Daytime Hooking. But is delighted to find out that Catalina comes from La Paz - that's where she did her Peace Corps work. Small world. That's when Gay Kenny joins them in the booth.

At the Crabshack, Earl and Blake's fight is going not so well for Earl. Blake's got Earl by the back of the head and is pounding an Earl's face-shaped dent into the Crabshack's bar. Joy breaks it up sending Blake for cigarettes. She tells Earl that this isn't right. Earl replies with Well, I'm jealous isn't that what you wanted? Joy explains to Earl that he may be jealous, but he's not jealous for the right reasons. He didn't lie about the party and the video because he cares for Joy, he did it to get back at Blake. Joy ruefully comes to the conclusion that tricking someone into marrying you might not be the best way to start a marriage, and perhaps it's time to end theirs. Earl realizes that she's right, and that he may not have it in him to care about anyone. Anyone but Randy, that is.

Meanwhile, in the suddenly crowded phone booth, Catalina confesses that she does not want to die a virgin. Darnell smiles. Patty confesss that just once she would have liked to give it up for free. Darnell smiles even wider. Darnell confesses that he would've liked to have been in a threesome. In both girl's minds the penny drops. Gay Kenny confesses that he would've liked to kiss a man. Darnell quivers.

At the Crabshack one of those darn pesky killer bees has found a way in. Blake does the sissy-girl arms-flailing-about freak-out. Earl does the hero thing, covering Joy with his body and impaling that killer bee with a corndog stick. Both Joy and Earl realize that Earl is capable of caring about somebody else. They tenderly kiss. I seem to recall reading somewhere that Jaime Pressly is not a big fan of the on-screen kiss. But she delivered this one spot on. Let me just interject here that I strongly feel that Jason Lee and Jaime Pressly have just wonderful chemistry. It's a pleasure to watch the two of them together.

In the phone booth, a passerby informs the entangled foursome that the killer bees are jaunting off to Texas. Darnell, Catalina, Patty and Kenny emerge from the booth sweaty and glistening, basking in sexual afterglow. Darnell exits saying, This never happened. The mind positively reels.

Present day at the Crabshack and Earl is finishing up repairing the Earl's face-shaped dent in the bar. Darnell successfully test-slides a mug over the patch. Joy arrives and, smiling sincerely and appreciatively, hands a corndog-on-a-stick to Earl saying Happy Anniversary.

Randy closes the ep saying to Earl that of all Earl's wives Joy was my favorite. Earl agrees. Roll credits.

---

Posted by Randy Welk on November 14, 2008 12:23 PM
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