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My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Sweet Johnny (or Slept With SJ's GF)

Sweet-Johnny.jpg

Come to Camden County...a nice place to live, work, raise children, and get car-jacked? (Or is that Karma-jacked?) That's what Joy wants to know when some creepy perp hops in her Suburu Brat and commandeers her vehicle at gunpoint. And if that's not bad enough, Joy gets her hand caught in the door and gets dragged down the street. And then, to make matters worse, she manages to free herself going arse over teakettle right in front of Earl and Randy who are enjoying a chilled beverage El Camino-style. As Joy rolls down the macadam and brushes herself off then takes off running after her beloved Brat, Randy comments to Earl that that was the greatest stunt he's ever seen since Sweet Johnny.

Uh-oh. Sweet Johnny? Yup, # 7 on Earl's list. Right after #6 - Cost Dad the Election, which for some reason was not crossed off on Earl's list. Hmmmmm...

Flashback: Sweet Johnny (aka SJ), played by David Arquette (from Scream, Eight Legged Freaks, In Case of Emergency, and several episodes of Son of the Beach with perennial favorite and Camden County celeb Tim Stack) who I'm not normally a big fan of but in this case I rather enjoyed, enjoys performing crazy dangerous impressive stunts. But it's Johnny's girlfriend Sheila (played my Katy Mixon from The Quiet and Zombie Prom) that Earl thinks is even more impressive-er. She's got a derriere that derrieres ass-pire to be. It doesn't take Earl long to figure out that the more SJ is banged up, the more Earl can bang Sheila. Doomsday Chair? Bang. Human Speedbump? Bang bang. Rocket Unicycle? Bang bang bang bang bang.

As it is with all good things, and Sheila's can is a major good thing, eventually Earl realizes that what he and Sheila are doing might just be ever so slightly on the not-right side of the ledger. So Earl and Sheila break it off just as SJ is doing his most dangerous stunt ever - the Human Wrecking Ball.

Back to present day, and Earl sets out to find Sweet Johnny. SJ ain't too hard to find. He's still living in the same place as he was ten years ago. And boy is he happy to see Earl. SJ greets Earl with an exuberant Michael Scott-style "Wuzzzzuuuuuppp!" that sorta went out with Clinton. SJ is preparing his greatest stunt ever - the old Lawn Chair Tied to Weather Balloons gag. Climb to 10,000 feet, high-five the Almighty, and parachute back to Mother Earth. Sounds like a winner. Earl fesses up to SJ about banging Sheila like a John Bonham drum solo, and SJ doesn't take it well. He staples Earl's face. Earl opts for the better part of valor and beats feet.

Back at the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Darnell enters the living room to find Joy sporting a shoulder holster and packing heat. Darnell doesn't care for guns, but Joy is insistent upon standing up for her First Amendment rights. Darnell explains that the First Amendment defends Freedom of Speech, and Joy explains it so even Darnell can understand. Pointing to her gat, she tells Darnell, "Nothin' speaks louder than this." Q. E. D.

Earl shows up at Sweet Johnny's place the next day, having given SJ the night to chill out. Earl finds SJ working on his Lawn Chair contraption, and it's almost like Earl's visit the day before never happened. Truth be told, in SJ's mind, it never did. SJ has no recollection of Earl's previous visit. Earl wonders if he has that French disease that makes things happen to you twice. SJ staples Earl's face again, and Earl beats feet. Again.

Earl goes to find Sheila to try to make some sense of all this. He locates Sheila - she's working as a meter maid - and she's got a bit of a surprise. Her fine fine pooper has grown to resemble the twin moons of Endor crammed into a pair of stretch pants. After cleansing his retinas, Earl explains the sitch to Sheila saying that SJ seemed "forget-y". Sheila tells Earl that Sweet Johnny has brain damage, not from one of his wacky stunts, but from boinking his bean on a dresser while pulling up his pants. Highly reminiscent of 50 First Dates, SJ got the brain damage "...the year La Vida Loca was big" and forgets the entire day's events every night when he goes to sleep.

Joy's hanging out at the Crabshack, and she's ignoring Darnell. How do we know? Because she tells him that she's ignoring him that's how. She's got her .38 caliber girl's best friend, and if she was Charlie Brown she'd be poppin' a cap in Lucy's ass. Yank that football one more time, bee-yotch... A pool cue falls to the floor, and everybody whips out a gat but Earl, Randy, Catalina, and Darnell.

Back at Sweet Johnny's, Earl shows up wearing protective gear. Earl does the fess-up routine, and SJ staples Earl's face and wallops him repeatedly with a board. SJ eventually tires out from getting the rope-a-dope, and Earl explains how SJ has the brain damage and talks SJ into going to see Sheila. One look at Sheila's gargantuan ass, and Sweet Johnny realizes that Earl's story of time passage must be true because Sheila's ass has expanded to dimensions heretofore unexplored. (She's so fat her belt is the equator.) SJ runs away, locks himself in his house, and downs a bottle of cold medicine. Ah sleep, perchance to dream...

Back at the trailer, Joy is looking for her gun. Happiness may be a warm gun, but the Camden County police were having a Guns-for-Ham Day, and it's Spiral Cut Honey Glazed for dinner. Mr. Garcia seems to think that hams are funny - and I agree with him - because Catalina's brother (played by John Leguizamo) gave a ham to his victims in the ep titled South of the Border.

Next day at Sweet Johnny's garage, and Ratt's Round And Round is playing. Earl's trying to go through the whole story - again - confession, stapled face, board, rope-a-dope, Sheila, run away, lock the door, and guzzle cold medicine. But Earl grabs the cold medicine before Johnny can down it. Cut to Earl rubbing Sweet Johnny's temples and softly cooing La Vida Loca to SJ. This is just like Groundhog Day, says Sweet Johnny, but instead of Andie McDowell I get a cheating girlfriend with a big fat dumper. Help me do the stunt, Johnny says to Earl. Earl agrees. But Johnny falls asleep before Earl can get a move-on, and Earl's feeling like a bride who's groom got over-served at the wedding.

Next day, and it's the whole shootin' match all over again. Sheila's ass is looking positively galactic, but eventually it's off to the Stunting Grounds. What's left of Sweet Johnny's fan club is front and center. Sweet Johnny himself is looking like a cross between Evel Kneivel and Elvis. The weather balloons are inflated, Johnny straps himself in, and it's Up, Up, and Away! But that's when Earl notices that Johnny forgot his parachute. Earl grabs up the chute and tries to give it to SJ, but SJ cuts him off saying that if this is his life and that's Sheila's ass then he wants out. I really couldn't disagree. Earl grabs the lawn chair, and the two are skyward-bound.

Joy and Darnell are enjoying the festivities. Joy points out to Darnell that if she had her gun she could pop one of them balloons and Earl and SJ would come back to Earth. Darnell agrees that there are times when a gun might come in handy, and okay okay this might be one of them. Joy's over-joyed (yeah, okay, I went there) to hear Darnell say that. She reaches around, whips out a new gun ("Hey this is America..."), aims, shoots, and pops a balloon. Earl and SJ come down fast, a quick orbit or two around Sheila's ass slowing their descent and assisting their re-entry.

Next day, and Johnny has forgotten everything. Earl realizes that crossing SJ off his list will only make Earl feel better because Johnny will never know. But that's okay because at least somebody will know. And we fade to black.


Posted by Randy Welk on October 10, 2008 9:35 AM
Permalink |






Cost Dad the election wasn't crossed off because he didn't make it up to him.

-- Posted by: Blake at October 10, 2008 10:57 AM

Blake, you're absolutely right. Thanks for catching that. Sorta kinda leaves the door open for a sequel-ish part 2... Maybe Carl could run on the NORML ticket...

-- Posted by: Randy at October 10, 2008 1:19 PM

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