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My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Quitcher Snitchin' (or Rats of a Feather...)

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Is that a babka under them sheets or are you just happy to see me? Randy's got cake on the mind because his birthday is only two days away. Earl just wants to go back to sleep. Since he's going to be a little older, Randy wants Earl to call him by his full name, Randolph, as in Hitler. Earl informs Randy that his full name is not Randolph, but Randall. Randall sounds like a made-up name. (That's what I've been saying for years!) I mean, says Randy, you might as well call me Pork Chop. Hey I kinda like that. Earl, I want you to call me Pork Chop, says Randy. Shut up Randy, says Earl.

But Earl's a deep thinker, and he's been burning the midnight gray matter thinking of a present for Randy. And he's found just the right present for Randy: a new car! It looked to me like a 1977 Ford Ranchero with wood panel sides. Coincidentally, this present will also take care of # 213 - Never Let Randy Have Anything Better Than Me. Beats the hell outta the Happy Bat Mitzvah (Spanish for Happy Birthday) mug Earl gave Catalina.

Cue Lynyrd Skynyrd's Trust while we montage down Memory Lane. Earl taking the nice leather jacket instead of the fur stole they stole; Earl taking the girl who's willing to give it up instead of the girl who wants to talk about the Lord; Earl taking the non-bloody side of the bed.

So Earl drives Randy's Ranchero to the Crabshack, parking Randy's birthday present right outside. But when he brings Randy outside, the car is gone. Gone, Baby, gone. And that breaks one of the two most solemn rules in Camden County. Rule # 1 - Never Snitch, and # 2 - Crooks Don't Steal From Crooks. I mean, look what happened when Creepy Rodney bonked Earl on the noggin with a rock and stole his wallet. As soon as Rodney looked at the I.D. why, Rodney gave it right back.

Earl goes into the Crabshack to consult with the Oracle of Camden, Joy. Joy did, after all, manage to get her Suburu Brat back from last week's episode when she got car-jacked, denting her Razor scooter on the perp's head in the process. But Joy's got the 411 that Earl's looking for. The Ranchero was stolen by Bedbug and Clyde. Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty? Nah, just a couple of local greaseball dime store sideways-ball-cap-wearing hoodlums. In other words, your typical Camden County crook.

Clyde and Bedbug got the Ranchero all right, but they ain't giving it up. And they don't feel like they broke Rule # 2 because Earl ain't a thief no more. Truth be told, says Clyde, you're more like a civilian. But Clyde is a businessman. He'll sell Earl his car back for $1500. Earl ain't buying, figuratively or literally. So they're going to take their dispute to the local crime chieftain, arbiter, and part-time crossing guard, Mr. Wallace.

Mr. Wallace listens to both sides of the dispute and sides with Clyde. Earl, says Wallace, you ain't one of us any more. A deflated Earl ponies up the $1500 and gets his car back. He drives it over to the Crabshack, goes in to get Randy, and comes out to...yup...you guessed it...the Ranchero has been stolen again.

Earl tries to find a sympathetic ear but runs into Joy instead. They stole my car twice, Earl says to Joy. They're treating me like a punk! Joy says what did you expect? You are a punk, going all list-y and touchy-feely. Then Joy pulls one out of left field quoting Sir Walter Scott: "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to make a stupid-ass list." Kinda different than the way I learned it in school, but hey, I'm so old Abe Lincoln got out of school for my birthday.

Earl feels that if those ne'er-do-wells are going to treat him like a citizen, he might as well act like a citizen. He's going to have to go to the police. Just hope they haven't watched Cops lately.

Earl's at the Police station, and he's talking with an officer who's definitely going for Sergeant. Let's just say that Officer Hoyle never met a drive thru he didn't like. Earl tells his tale of woe to Hoyle, narcing out Clyde and Bedbug, and Hoyle offers up some goodies from his junk drawer as a reward. How 'bout a yo-yo? Some jacks? A ball-in-the-clown's-nose game? Maybe some reefer? Hey, how'd that get in there?

Earl feels bad about turning snitch, but not nearly as bad as when he gets home and finds "snitch" spray-painted all over his apartment. Fast work that. Officer Hoyle denies it was him dropped a dime on Earl, but soon fesses up. Now it's all over Camden County that Earl Hickey is a rat.

Earl and Hoyle go over to Clyde's, but surprise surprise, there's no Ranchero waiting there for them. Of course not, Earl yells at Hoyle, they knew we were coming because you're a horrible cop. Hoyle is hurt. He may have to drown his sorrows in a vat of frosting.

Earl decides to fight fire with fire. They stole his car, he's going to steal their car.
Earl goes to the one person he knows he can always count on, Randy. Careful with the Stealing Bag, Earl tells Randy. I put in some special drug-laced peanut butter crackers to knock out Dubya the big dog. Randy drowsily replies, What peanut butter cra...

So Earl's going stealin' alone. Coulda used some Uriah Heep here, but maybe they couldn't get the rights.

So it's off to Clyde and Bedbug's. Earl eases into the low-rider. Cue Cisco Kid by War. But hot-wiring a car isn't as easy as it looks like on TV. Crossing a couple of wrong wires, Earl's got that low-rider jumping like a kitten in a hot griddle. Horns blowing, lights flashing, and it's a good time for Earl to get gone. But he's got to steal something to bargain for the Ranchero. Ah, maybe Dubya, the passed-out alcoholic canine will do as trade fodder.

Earl's making his getaway, and who should he run into but Officer Hoyle, who's suddenly found a bucket of competence that wasn't full of fried chicken. Hoyle runs Earl in while the Rolling Stones play Under My Thumb. Offering Earl a toy from the goodie drawer, Earl realizes that he's seen those toys before. Seems everyone in Camden has one of them. Earl knows that if everyone has super powers, nobody does.

Earl topples the first domino on the Camden County Domino Chain of Snitches. First, Earl drops a dime on Creepy Rodney. Then Rodney rats out Joy. Then Joy narcs out Jasper. And finally Jasper stool pigeons on Clyde and Bedbug. And waiting outside the police station after every one of these confessions is Earl, who got the cold shoulder from all of these upstanding examples of citizenship when the word on the street was that Earl Hickey was an informer.

And last but not least, emerging from the snitch's door, is Mr. Wallace. He's willing to make a deal with Earl to prevent his good name from turning bad. Or is that bad name from turning good? Whatever.

Mr. Wallace makes good on his word to Earl because the Ranchero is returned bright and early the next morning. In fact, Mr. Wallace must have a lot of pull because the Ranchero is still sitting there when Earl brings Randy out to receive his very special birthday present.

Catalina is doing her best Price Is Right imitation when Earl presents the car to Randy. There she is, says Earl. Nah, says Randy, mistaking Catalina for his birthday present. Already had her. Not that great. Ouch. Harsher words about the lovely Catalina have never been spoken. Except maybe by her mother. But hey, as Catalina said at the time, it was either her or me.

Catalina graciously (could she do it any other way?) corrects Randy, and points out that it is the car, and not her sultry bodaciousness that is to be for his birthday enjoyment. Randy happily accepts his birthday gift with a truly heartfelt Thank you Earl. And Earl replies in kind saying You're welcome, Pork Chop.

And the boys drive off into the sunset.


Posted by Randy Welk on October 24, 2008 10:27 AM
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