My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: With A Little Help From My Friends...

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Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back.

Anyway, Earl’s been lying in the street for over a month now. Well, so has Billie, but I think it’s safe to say that Earl is the gamier victim.

But fear not Camden-ites. Jeff Zucker, President of NBC, is here to fill us in on what’s been happening. As an aside, one imagines that the tip of Mr. Garcia’s schnozz is enthusiastically poop-colored. Some folks weren't too crazy about this.

Now, just in case you’ve missed my last few blogs, and you know who you are, Mr. Zucker fills us in on Earl’s sitch. Got out of prison, ran out of karma-bucks, behaved poorly, and got schlemozzled by a car. Poor winsome Billie, the driver of the offending vehicle, stopped to help Earl and got pancaked herself, “…yadda yadda…remember that?” Nice bit. Those writers really earned their paychecks with that one. Mr. Z proves that not everyone is cut out to be an actor. Indeed, he has a face for radio. Be that as it may, it’s Jay-Z out, and on with the show.

Comatose Earl is lying in the street. But his subconscious is still narrating the voice-overs. In flashback, Earl’s parents Carl and Kay are getting dinner ready. Earl’s mom serves up a lovely Cobb salad, but Carl wants something a little alcohol-ier. Adolescent Earl tunes them out – as I did countless times – by watching sixties sitcoms. In the ultimate Twilight Zone Meets the Petries moment, Earl and Billie swap places with the B&W faux Rob and Laura and are newlyweds with a kitchen full of toasters. If Mike Brady had designed Rob and Laura’s house in New Rochelle…well…you’d have a pretty good idea of their lovely home.

Meanwhile, back in multiple-MVA-victims land, Billie’s getting put into the ambulance. After all, the EMT’s had to choose which victim to take first, and who would you choose? The mustached flannel shirt-wearing ne’er-do-well, or the hot chick with the nice taters? If this was Officer and a Gentleman, they’d’ve been bodacious ta-ta’s, but I digress. Boob’s’ll do that to me.

Randy can’t stand to see Earl lying there, so he loads him into the ambulance and takes off for destinations unknown. A hospital would be nice, but who the hell knows where one is? Certainly not Randy.

Broken down by the side of the road, Darnell and Joy are peering under the hood of Joy’s Brat. And I’m not talking about Dodge or Earl Jr. The car was a little low on oil, but Joy thought she’d taken care of it. Maybe Butter-flavored Pam isn’t the best substitute for Pennzoil (thank you Arnie Palmer). Randy pulls up next to them and tells them to jump into the ambulance. Good timing too because Earl suddenly needs some CPR. If it’s me, I’m hoping that Catalina delivers the O2, but it’s Darnell. And he’s none too appreciative of Earl’s mustache - too ticklish. Catalina wants to cut out Earl’s eyes with a knife so his spirit can’t chase her. She’s just s’darn cute.

In sitcom-land, 60’s Joy and Darnell come a-calling bearing gift for the newlyweds. What oh what could it be? Tell 'em what they’ve won, Rod Roddy! It’s a new toaster! Well, maybe not exactly new. It’s Joy and Darnell's old toaster, and it’s got cat poop in it. Mmmmm…breakfast of champions.

In the back of the ambulance, comatose Earl’s heartbeat is erratic. But Catalina knows what to do. She learned during Senior Night at Club Chubby. She grabs the defibrillator and gives Earl a jillion volts. No good. Darnell grabs the paddles and gives himself a jillion volts ("...nice buzz..."). It's Joy's turn. She hops up on top of Earl and tries the old chest thump maneuver. Nothing works. Too bad Catalina didn’t learn to secure the stretcher to the ambulance because right about this time Earl and Joy go sliding out the opened back door of the ambulance (Cat had opened it to let Earl’s vengeful spirit out), and they go rolling down the road in true Little Rascals fashion. I think we’re safe in calling this the Ultimate Joy Ride.

Even at sixty miles per hour, Joy’s no (big) dummy. She sees the grill of a semi fast approaching and she rolls off the stretcher leaving Earl to his own Karmic device. To the Doobie Brothers Rockin’ Down the Highway, Joy says, “Well, that’s a fine kettle of fish.” Yup, that was worth waiting a month-plus for. Earl’s stretcher hooks up with the grill of the semi and Earl’s a goner. Goner as in no longer in sight. Not so much with the slipping of the mortal coil.

Joy didn’t get the license number of the truck, but she did notice that the truck was from Waadt Appliance, Earl and Randy's ex-employer. So Randy goes to the appliance store to try to find the truck. Their old dock buddies ask how Earl is doing. Other than maybe being dead, he’s doing not too bad, says Randy. The truck was driven by a woman named Sissy, and she’s taken the truck home after her shift.

The gang pays a little social call on Sissy, but something’s not quite jake. She has what appears to be an eyelash on her cheek. After closer examination (i.e., a good sniffing by Randy), it’s not an eyelash but a mustache hair. One of Earl’s mustache hairs to be exact. “Oh snap,” says Catalina. Joy had forgotten to copyright that line.

Looking in through the window, the gang sees Sissy cozying up to unconscious Earl for a bit of comatose canoodling. The gang busts in on her just as she’s getting it on to Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. Gotta love her macking music. Randy’s quick to pick up on the fact that Sissy’s elevator doesn’t quite make it up to the penthouse, but no fear, Joy’s bilingual. She speaks crazy. She distracts Sissy long enough for Darnell and Randy to swipe Earl from Sissy’s loving clutches, and it’s back in the ambulance. But not before Joy punches Sissy. And whacks her upside the head with a phone. Sissy remains vertical to Joy’s surprise. “Oh snap,” says Joy. “That was my go-to.” As they make their getaway, Sissy unloads a barrelful of buckshot into Earl’s backside. If he was conscious I bet that woulda hurt. Please o please bring Sissy back. Me likey.

The Gang That Couldn’t Drive Straight finally makes it to the hospital. Earl’s in Intensive Care with IV’s and heart monitors and a machine that goes ping! He has a head trauma, internal injuries, purple nurples (part of Joy's resuscitative technique), bugs in his teeth, a load of buckshot in the behind, and possibly an involuntary orgasm. Joy blames Earl's condition on the young Indian doctor (she calls him Dr. Babaganoosh), and tells him to make Earl better pronto. Billie’s in the next hospital room while the new theme song to Earl’s sixties sitcom, The Hickeys, plays nostalgically in Earl’s mind.

Randy, Joy, and Darnell are drowning their sorrows at the Crabshack. Darnell’s browsing a Pull The Plug pamphlet the doc was kind enough to give him. Catalina comes up with a surprise – she found Earl’s list in the parking lot. Randy tells Darnell to stop dwelling on the worst. After all, people comeback from the dead all the time…zombies, werewolves, vampires… Maybe Earl just needs the right inspiration. The gang pulls out all the stops - bacon, boobs, picture postcards from Europe, Catalina reads People magazine, Barbershopping Blue Oyster Cult’s I’m Burning For You, and the old firecrackers-on-the-chest gambit. But nothing works. Earl’s a veg.

On The Hickeys, there’s bacon cooking, and, for reasons that can only be described as pandering to the unwashed masses, it’s Paris Hilton bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. After delivering her signature line, “That’s hot” three times, she is thankfully whisked away to be Hoffa-ed. Oh if only she had touched the sizzling hot bacon grease and then uttered her line. Now that might’ve been funny.

Randy’s at Earl's bedside praying. Much like the Scarecrow, he gets his brainchild, and it’s off to the Crabshack to recruit the gang.

Back in the pre-Karma days, Earl joined Randy and Joy at a faith healer revival. Unfortunately, Earl had suffered a slight injury on his way into the tent, but fortunately, Earl was selected out of the audience (over Joy and her Krakatoa-sized zit) to go up on stage and get healed. The faith healer was an adolescent Elmer Gantry who went by the nickname of God's Little Finger. After a bit of Spirit-bunny-ing sans short skirt and pom poms, GLF slaps Earl's upper thigh ("…a little lower next time, huh?"), and Earl is miraculously healed. Joys pops up on stage and the kid pops her zit. It's an Acne Miracle!

So Randy has it in his Rooms To Let mind that the kid can fix Earl again. They track him down, but the kid has hung up his healing ways. Seems he had seen on the news a story about a woman called the Tube Top Bandit (and her accomplice The Mustached Shopping Cart Thief) hijacking shoppers on their way out of the market. Realizing who they were, and realizing that he had healed them enabling them to commit these heinous crimes was just too much realizing for our boy-healer, so he gave up his healing ways. But on the bright side, GLF is now on Earl's list - Made God's Little Finger Afraid Of His Own Hands.

The gang presents a stirring argument to GLF. He'd like to help. After all, Earl did turn his life around. But he needs to be convinced that Joy has turned her life around too. This presents a problem. See, Joy's not really bad…she's just drawn that way. The gang best get going quickly. The transplant doctors are hovering around Earl's bedside like a bunch of teenagers with their dad's Playboy.

On The Hickeys, Earl got a raise and a promotion from Allen Brady. I mean Larry Tate. Somebody at Slathery & Mather, Earl's employer. But he has to move away to accept the position. IOW, Earl's leaving. For good. The Big Sleep. Karma's escalator…going up…

Darnell has a wonderfully storied past, one we've only seen glimpses into. One of his specialties is Wagging The Dog. Darnell produces a video wherein Joy gets the Forrest Gump treatment. We've seen Forrest Gump references on this show before what with Slow Roger, so this is good stuff. Joy's image is Photoshopped into scenes with the pope and JFK and rescuing puppies in a flood. GLF is sold. Let's do it!

In the hospital, Catalina is thumb-warring with Earl. She wins again! She's so cute. GLF arrives and starts preaching up a religious fervor when his dad interrupts. You can stop now, kiddo, dad says. The whole healing thing was a scam. Turns out it started years ago when a bird flew into a window. The kid picked up the bird not realizing that it was only stunned. When the bird woke and flew away, Dad seized upon the My Boy's A Healer schtick, and God's Little Finger was born. Even Earl's miraculous healing was somewhat less than truthful. GLF's dad asked Earl, "Let me see ya limp," and when Earl started to unzip his pants, GLF's dad gave Earl money to pretend he was injured. Strangely, oddly, peculiarly, this revelation makes the kid happy. He's not a healer. Now he can be a regular kid again, and GLF gets crossed off Earl's list.

GLF & Co. leave in a moment of familial bliss. Joy, Darnell, and Catalina shoo away the vulturing transplant docs, and Randy is left alone with Earl. To Bob Dylan's Knocking On Heaven's Door, Randy tells Earl about what's been happening and how even unconscious Earl managed to do good. Randy sheds a tear as the machine that goes ping pings. Earl's heartbeat goes up a beat.

On The Hickeys, Earl triumphantly returns. He turned down his promotion to stay with Billie, bouffant hairdo and all. She Who Shall Remain Nameless utters her signature catchphrase, "That's hot," and we FTB.

Next week on MNIE - The Orange County Chopper boys, aka the Teutuls, make a guest appearance.

Posted by Randy on April 3, 2008 11:13 PM
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