My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Stole A Motorcycle

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This episode picks up right where last week left off. Earl’s unconscious in his hospital bed, and as Randy crosses off an item on Earl’s list, the heart monitor registers Karma’s booster shot. Randy realizes that to make Earl better he has to fight the good fight and walk Karma’s tightrope. But who will pick the next item? Certainly not Earl. According to Joy, Earl just lies there and drools. And not Randy either. He just stands there and drools. Och, where’s me bumbershoot?

In unconscious Earl’s 60’s-style sitcom alter-verse The Hickeys, Billie’s on the robin's egg blue Princess rotary phone with Joy. They’re both stirring big bowls of cookie dough (that’ll never get baked if their houses are anything like mine) when Billie tells Joy that she’s pregnant. Earl picks up the phone in the other room - in perfect Three’s Company style – just in time to overhear Billie and Joy’s conversation and leap gazelle-like to the wrong conclusion that Billie is having an affair.

In the hospital, Randy's holding Earl's list under Earl's head when Earl’s drool falls Hooch-like on Stole A Motorcycle.

Flashback to Earl and Randy taking a leisurely stroll scoping out anything valuable that's not locked down. Or, as they call it, Taking a Crime Walk. The boys happen across a motorcycle in front of a store owned by the Teutels from TLC’s American Chopper. Check out that hog, Earl says. Dibs, says Randy. While the Teutels are arguing about if Paul Jr’s head is actually up his ass or not, Earl and Randy notice the bike's keys are in the ignition. They hop on, and Easy Rider off into the sunset.

Felonies have always given the boys a mighty thirst, and this time is no different. An unhealthy snootful of beer, rum, tequila, and malt liquor later, and the boys wake up in a school bus full of kids and no recollection of the previous night.

Back in Earl's hospital room, with Earl’s list in hand, Randy knows that he has to return that motorcycle. One little problem: He has no idea where it is. Musta been that last fourteen beers…or that shot of Jaeger.

On The Hickeys, Earl and Randy are plotting how to get even with Billie’s “boyfriend.” Earl fakes going to work and disguises himself with a football helmet and a hockey stick. A short Benny Hill-type romp around the living room later, and Billie discovers Earl hiding behind the closet door. She tells him that she’s pregnant just as Randy walks in with Billie’s baby doc in a headlock.

Back in Camden, Randy goes to see Pawnbroker Jasper. He’s the guy they tried to sell the bike to way back when. Jasper wouldn’t buy the bike (the boys were fairly liquored up), but he did swap the bike’s chain for a chicken suit. Jasper recalls that Randy wanted the chicken suit to freak out the patrons at the Crabshack’s Nickel Chicken Wing Day.

While Randy freaked out the Shack’s patrons ("You're eating my babies!"), Earl revved the bike's motor in the middle of the Shack’s dance floor. In other words, as Earl's dad used to call it, the boys were engaging in General Jack-assery. Thanks to the boy’s shenanigans, there is now a new sign on the wall at the Crabshack – No Motorcycles, No Chicken Suits, No Exceptions.

Darnell recalls that Homeless Joe and Shopping Cart Kim saw the boys that night, so maybe they can help figure out what happened.

Wow, Randy says. One clue at a time…this is just like reading a book.

Randy and Darnell and Joy pay a visit to Homeless Joe. Joe’s recollection is that Earl and Randy were driving a tiny car and a tiny plane. And that Earl was wearing chicken suit pants and they were fighting. Not only fighting, Joe says, but Earl was trying to kill Randy. Hmmm, Earl tried to kill me? Randy’s confused and concerned. That’d be like peanut butter trying to kill jelly, he says. They’re both in the same sandwich.

At the Crabshack, Darnell is once again the sole voice of lucidity and reason. We need more information. Relying on Homeless Joe is like trusting that three year old condom in your wallet. Joy agrees, and says we gotta work backwards and figure out what happened earlier that night.

On The Hickeys, Billie tells Earl that her water broke, and Earl offers to call a plumber. They make it to the hospital just in time to get trapped in a broken elevator.

Sherlock Darnell, Dr. Randy, and Inspector LeJoy figure out that the only place in Camden County where one might “borrow” a tiny car and a tiny plane is the local chapter of the Knights of Camden. The dauntless trio head over to the local K of C hall. There one old guy recognizes Randy from that fateful night. According to the old guy, Earl actually tried to kill Randy with a rooftop-type TV antenna covered with panties. Why, there’s even a picture commemorating the event on the wall. Earl’s eyes are of course closed (a la Forrest Gump). Oddly enough, Darnell recognizes the “pantenna” as a local landmark. So it’s off to the trailer park.

At the trailer park, the gang climbs atop Deaf Charlie’s trailer. Evidence of that fateful night is strewn all over the roof. Panties, a chicken suit head, and holy of holies the motorcycle. The four watt light bulb that is Randy’s brain pops on, and Randy remembers what happened.

After drinking enough whiskey to float a battleship around, the boys built a ramp to Deaf Charlie's rooftop. They replaced the bike’s chain with the chain from a chainsaw, and Earl drove the bike up the ramp to the roof. Randy followed Earl up to the rooftop just before the Camden PD shows up. Earl takes this inopportune moment to get the drunken hiccups. Randy covers Earl’s mouth and nose to shut him up so they don’t get discovered. But Randy’s shushing works a little too well. Earl passes out from lack of oxygen. The cops eventually leave, and Randy looks down at Earl’s lifeless body, believes he’s killed him, and skedaddles. Earl soon wakes. The reports of his demise were greatly exaggerated. In his drunken mind he thinks that Randy tried to kill him. He snaps the pantenna off the roof and goes in pursuit of Randy with a drunken murderous glee in his half-closed bloodshot eyes.

Remembering the events of that wacky night is too much for Randy. He takes a swan dive off of Deaf Charlie's roof. Failing to self-induce a coma, Randy returns the stolen motorcycle to the Teutels. Turns out Mikey was the jackass who left the keys in the bike. Randy apologizes and it’s off to the hospital to see Earl.

Back on The Hickeys, Earl’s borrowed Turnip-head from Mac’s Lost Blog. Congratulations, 60’s Earl tells 60’s Randy. You’re an uncle.

In Earl’s hospital room, Randy crosses off Stole A Motorcycle from Earl’s list.

Earl’s heart rate goes up a little. But only until Randy lies on Earl to give him a hug and squeeze the thump-thump right out of Earl’s comatose body. The machine that goes Ping! pings like mad and we FTB.

Posted by Randy on April 10, 2008 11:06 PM
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