My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Killerball

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I’m not really sure if this was intended to be more an homage to James Caan’s Rollerball (not the cheesy re-make) or NBC’s Friday Night Lights. Either way, it was damn enjoyable with some truly outstanding quotes. Let’s have at it.

Earl’s getting the size 12 boot from the hospital. After all, he’s been there a while and like any month-old vegetable it’s time to go. The hospital staff gives Randy the option: Put Earl in long-term care, or take care of him yourself and we’ll throw in a coupla grand of Camden bucks good at six local vendors. Randy wouldn't be Randy if he didn't make the obvious choice. So...

Randy’s loaded Earl into a shopping cart like a mustached sack of potatoes, and the boys are taking in the sights and sounds – well, Randy is – of downtown Camden. Watch out for that curb! Oops, too late.

Comatose Earl is passing the days in his very own 60’s-style sitcom, The Hickeys. Old Earl and Old Billie are driving down Memory Lane. One memory involved bisecting the house with tape a la Peter and Bobby Brady. Sly Old Earl is clever enough to put the business half of 60’s Earl Jr. on Billie’s half. And oh yeah, what about the time bindlestiffed Cousin Wendell came to stay with his favorite honkey cousins? My oh my, the laughs just keep on coming.

Back on the mean streets of Camden, Randy and Shopping Cart Earl run into (figuratively) Patty the Day-time hooker. Randy convinces Patty that Earl’s not doing too bad. "Look," Randy tells Patty as he wets his finger pre-Wet Willie, "Every opening I stick my finger in I get a different reaction." Patty responds (GREAT QUOTE # 1) that that sounds like her job.

Patty has a remote control wheelchair left over from Snooky the pimp. And it is one seriously pimped out chair. So nice that Darnell and Joy are jealous. She even offers to cripple Darnell. He almost takes her up on it. Darnell’s a little concerned that Randy is taking care of Earl, but he’s just as happy to see that the hospital throws out white people too.

Darnell doesn’t think that Randy is capable of properly taking care of Earl. I’m not really sure why. The chicken, fries, and beer IV Randy prepared for Earl sounded pretty damn good to me. As did Ann-Margret's Bye Bye Blues.

Randy figures out that if doing things on Earl’s list made Earl a little bit better, if Earl was to resume list duty surely the results would be even more potent. I’m not too sure how that’s going to work as Earl has the muscle control of a Stretch Armstrong. Hmm…how about #241 – Made Derrick Stone Late For Work.

Back in the trailer park there was a guy named Derrick who had the audacity to find gainful employment. Poor Derrick. Little did he know that going to work in the morning would interrupt Earl and Randy’s sleeping one off. But the boys showed him. They buried his car under a mound of dirt. As a result, Derrick lost his job and his girlfriend.

Randy’s working on #241. He put Earl in the back seat of the car so Derrick can drive in the carpool lane and therefore not be late for work. But the car isn’t Derrick’s any more. Derrick sold the car to the cute girl next door. And she’s none too happy to see a passed out (she thinks) mustache in her back seat. A can of mace later, and 60’s Earl’s eyes are watering. Billie thinks it’s just the trauma of seeing Earl’s mom in a see-thru outfit in the memory album. I think my retinas could use a good scrubbing too.

So looking over Earl's list, Randy chances upon #116 - Rolled John Bentster Down A Hill In A Porta-potty. You know how I know that's funny? Because it's mean and it happened to someone else. Randy seems to agree with me because when Darnell asks him if he'd like to roll down a hill in a porta-potty Randy gets his eww face.

So it's nix on #116. But how about # 126 - Stole From The Henson Kids. See, there was this family that lived by the Hickeys - the Hickeys, not The Hickeys - that went on lots of fancy schmancy vacations, and Earl and Randy were mighty jealous. I mean, after all, who wouldn't be jealous of a family that jumped out of a plane together and all broke their spines and ended up in wheelchairs? Young Earl and Young Randy stole the wheelchairs from the neighbor kids - Bret and Tiffany - and left them lying on the blacktop baking in the noonday sun.

Randy finds the paraplegic duo in the local wheelchair bar. After explaining the sitch to them, the Hensons explain how while they were lying on the blacktop they got humped by a Doberman Pinscher. "We got humped by a Doberman," Tiffany adds (GREAT QUOTE # 2) "...to completion!"

Randy laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. And then he laughs some more.

So can I cross you off Earl's list? After all he did leave Earl out lying on the blacktop baking in the noonday sun to even things up.

Bret and Tiffany - still wheelchair-bound - roll away angrily.

Randy laughs some more. But only until he goes outside to retrieve Earl who's getting his pants yanked off by a bum. MNIE Trivia Point - Earl wears flannel boxers.

Randy motors Earl back into the wheelchair bar and they talk things over with Tiff. She agrees to let Randy scratch them off Earl's list if he'll help her make her old boyfriend, T.R., jealous. T.R. and Bret are opposing captains in the Camden Killerball league. If you've ever seen Friday Night Lights you'll know what Killerball is. It's when guys in wheelchairs pass a ball around trying to score goals and try to paralyze whatever bits of the opposing team still function. Due to a slight mis-communication, one guy on Bret's team can walk. Apparently being crippled is a prerequisite for being in this league. Who knew? So Bret's down a guy. Hmmm...who can we get to replace him?

Say, isn't that Earl person wheelchair-bound? When Randy decides to put Earl in the game is precisely the moment when Darnell makes up his mind over whether or not to testify against Randy. (He will.)

On The Hickey's, Old Joy and Old Darnell return from Florida. As does Earl's citified mincing lisping Cindy's-scarf-wearing twin brother.

According to Eal's voiceover, Randy (GREAT QUOTE #3) has a degree in Joystick from the University of Pac-man. To REO's Keep On Rollin', Earl, with Randy's assistance, even scores the game-tying goal. But now the pressure is on. And so apparently are the allergies of the woman sitting behind Randy. She lets out a whopper of a sneeze right on Randy's neck. Randy drops the remote control joystick and Earl is left rudderless.

Tiffany does the only thing she can to distract T.R. and make him jealous. She yells, (GREAT QUOTE #4) "I love you Earl, and your fully functioning penis!"

This has the desired effect. T.R. whips the ball, it ricochets off Earl's face and into Bret's lap. Bret scores the winning goal (give Earl an assist). Tiffany gets her old boyfriend back and Bret is the hero. Scratch off #126.

On the other side of Camden, the cute girl from the trailer park is still uptight over finding a near-cadaver in her back seat. She stops to pick up Derrick who's waiting at the bus stop. Derrick makes it to work on time, and he's taken the first step to getting a girl back into his life. Scratch off #241.

All these Karma points ring up like a pinball machine on HGH, and The Hickey's Earl realizes that coma world is not the right place to be. He gets up off his couch and steps right in front of a speeding car. Why a speeding car was in his living room...well...let's just let that one go for now, shall we?

On the floor of the Killerball arena, Earl's eyes flutter open. He wakes. Let me repeat that. Earl is awake. EARL IS AWAKE! But he's in serious need of a breath mint. Karnma may be all that when it comes to righting wrongs, but is good with the tooth brushing not so much.

Earl tells Randy and Joy and Darnell that he had a crazy dream, that he was married to Billie.

Who's Billie? Darnell wants to know.

"Oh crap," Joy says, (GREAT QUOTE #5) "I think Karma made him gay."

And we FTB.

Posted by Randy on April 25, 2008 10:33 AM
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