My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Bad Earl

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Earl’s out of prison, so it’s party time at the Crabshack. Ever since the Shoney's burned down, the Crabshack is the place to celebrate one’s release from prison as Rusty’s party over on the pool table illustrates. Joy’s suffering from getting overserved. She’s whomped up a big ol’ batch of eggnog to help everyone get festivated. Unfortunately, it’s not really eggnog. It’s a pitcher of margaritas with an egg. Mmm…tasty.

Randy makes the poor decision (there’s a surprise) to come up behind Earl with a big cake-cutting knife. Earl sees the blade out of the corner of his eye and reacts as any good convict would: He flings an elbow right into Randy’s nose. As the saying goes, “You can take the boy out of the prison, but you can’t take the prison out of the boy.”

Catalina is happy to see Earl get out of prison in time for Christmas. (Almost as happy as we are to see Catalina.) Randy managed to retrieve Earl’s list from the prison property folks. Earl may have to add “Broke Randy’s nose” to the list now. Earl’s a bit conflicted. He spent two years doing good for others and it seemed like only bad things happened to him, like going to prison. And when he did bad things, it seemed like good things happened to him, like getting out of prison. It’s all a bit confusing for a flannel-wearing mustache life support system. So Earl tells Randy that he’d kind of like to get settled in before resuming tackling the list.

Earl and Randy’s hotel room is full of homeless people thanks to the mayor’s “Hide the Homeless for Christmas” campaign. So it’s off to the only place around that’ll take the boys – Catalina’s room, aka the Laundromat. It's never quite made clear where Randy's been living while Earl was in prison, but let's disregard that for the moment, shall we? And what’s an ex-con to do for a job? The only gig Earl can get is delivering food for Camden’s only foreign food restaurant. Personally, I never thought about wearing a sombrero with lederhosen, but somehow, Earl makes it work. My favorite part of Earl's garb was the mustache extensions. There're Emmy's waiting for that costumer and makeup artist. Oh Well by Fleetwood Mac sums it up nicely.

Earl rings the doorbell and who should answer but old friend Ralph (Giovanni Ribisi), who we last saw busting out of prison Shawshank Redemption-style. But Ralph seems to have a new look. It rather smacks of Miami retiree, but he looks happy.

Cue flashback: After hitching a ride in his y-fronts by the first someone willing to pick up a practically nude hitchhiker (who else but Gay Kenny), Ralph made his way to old lady Doris’ house. But not before imparting some automotive wisdom to Kenny, “Learn how to drive stick, you pervert!” Ewww. As Ralph tries to steal some Meal On Wheels chow conveniently left on the porch, Doris opened her door and naturally confused this funny little underwear-wearing man on her front stoop with her dead husband Stanley and invited him in. Doris’ eyesight may not exactly be what it once was.

So, donning a sweater, a plaid pork pie hat, and some over-sized black frame glasses, Ralph chameleoned himself into Stanley and all is just peachy in the Johansen household. Peachy, that is, until one sombrero-and-lederhosen-wearing ex-con comes to the door bearing weiner schnitzel and fish tacos. Ralph explains the scam to Earl and Randy. He’s particularly partial to the E D pills in the medicine cabinet. He doesn’t know what they’re for, but whoop-dee-do ain’t they just a hoot! Ralph gives Earl and Randy the bum's rush. It’s time for Doris’ bath. Double-ewww.

That night in the Laundromat, Earl are Randy are having trouble getting to sleep. Maybe it’s just Consuelo’s farting. Or not. Randy suggests to Earl that he do something on the list. Ah, here’s a good one: Number 205 – Ruined Club Chubby’s Mistletoe. Randy likes it because it’s Christmas-y.

Flashback: Randy and Earl are in Chubby’s. The boys have acquired a laser pointer and are having fun shining it on strippers’ breasts (“It’s like a little green hand!”). All is skittles and beer until Earl shines the laser pointer into the eyes of a lovely stripper named Mistletoe. Mistletoe is performing the difficult High-pole Upside-down Thigh-crimp when Earl shines the laser into her eyes, blinding her and causing her to fall on her neck in painful fashion. Now she’s in a neck-brace for two years. Earl relates the story of the list (as per every other attempt at making things right), but something is missing, Ah, must be the sincerity. Yeah, that’s it. It's been said that if you can fake sincerity you've got it made. Mistletoe tells Earl how he can make it up to her.

If you’ve never seen Jason Lee in Daisy Dukes, Timberlands, and a belly shirt, you have to catch this ep on NBC.com. Well worth the price of admission.

Earl performs Mistletoe’s stripper act, tassels and all. He was able to get one of the tassels spinning, but the other just hung there limp and uninspired. Elvira he is not. Strangely, I was unable to avert my eyes.

But this is the final straw. Earl’s done being Karma’s bitch. He storms out of Club Chubby and lights up a smoke. Even Randy is stunned to see Earl smoking again. Giving up smoking was the first thing Earl did when he moved to Karma-ville. And who should pull up in a big old Cadillac convertible but Ralph with two babes in the car with him. That’s it. Earl is done with the list. For two years he did good things, and good things happened to other people. “Where’s my good thing?” he asks Randy. Earl drops the list to the pavement and storms off.

Earl and Randy go back to Ralph/Stanley and tell him that Bad Earl is back in town. Ralph couldn’t be happier. This calls for a celebration. So it’s off to Club Chubby. As Catalina drops off drinks on the boys’ table, Ralph gives her an appreciative ass-slap. (And these actors get paid to do this?) Catalina laughs it off. But when Earl gives Cat’s ass a wee spanking, she slaps him but good. What’s that for, Earl wants to know. Ralph did it and she laughed. Yeah, Catalina says, but she expects better from Earl. She doesn’t like New Earl. Earl explains that this isn’t the New Earl, it’s the Old Earl that she never met before.

Earl and Randy and Ralph pick up a trio of strippers and bring them back to Joy and Darnell’s trailer. Joy and Darnell have gone overnight up to Nathanville so it’s Time To Par-tay! It’s not long before they discover that the trailer has a tendency to rock (“Don’t come a-knockin’ if this Champion Doublewide is a-rockin’!”), and not a whole lot longer before they manage to tip the trailer over onto its side as if the trailer was a sleeping Holstein and they were a bunch of liquored-up Wisconsin teen-agers. There's another one for the list.

Flash forward to the next morning. Darnell and Joy come home to find their home is somewhat askew. Darnell’s willing to see the humorous side of all of this (someday) until he finds Mr. Turtle on his back. Joy is righteously pissed. As soon as she finds the knife drawer there’ll be cutlery being flung. She locates the Ginsu, and Earl’s mongoose-like reactions save him from a VERY close shave.

Earl’s dropping off Ralph at Chez Johansen. Ralph tells Earl that he can’t come in as he’s, how shall we say, exuberantly aromatically effervescent. Earl hasn’t had a shower in three days, and that bird bath in the front yard is looking pretty good. After a whore’s shower and a wee nosh of bird seed (to Willie Nelson’s Blue Christmas), Earl says enough is enough.

While Ralph is in the shower, Earl nabs Ralph’s Harry Caray-style Stanley glasses, hat, and musty sweater. Ralph comes out of the bathroom in his underwear (Giovanni Ribisi’s tidy whities gets an extraordinary amount of camera-time in this ep) to find Earl as Stanley reading the paper in an easy chair. Earl kicks Ralph out of the house with a punch in the face thrown in for good measure. Earl tells Randy that he can’t come in for a few days, until Doris gets used to the new Stanley. Randy and Ralph sleep in the El Camino (singing Silent Night) while Earl gives Doris a good night smooch. Triple ewww.

Christmas morning, and Earl wakes to find the entire gang in his living room. Even Tim Stack is there. This is an invention, says Randy. We’re here to help. Joy explains that Tim is here because he’s been on the receiving end of two of these interventions (“…worked both times…”).

Darnell reads a poem, and Catalina explains how special it is to have a male friend who isn’t interested in raping her mother. Ralph thought they were all there to kick Earl’s ass. Kenny is there because he’s honored to have been Earl’s first Karma-save, and as a result, he was able to experience the love of another man. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Randy explains to Earl that he does not like that bad feeling in his stomach. A feeling that I’m sure is nothing like climbing the rope in gym class.

Earl appears to be a tad weepy at this outpouring of sentimentality. Syrupy music plays in the background.

Earl takes a deep breath and says, “Screw all of you. I’m outta here.” He storms out of the house in his jammies with no destination in mind. Ralph re-claims the hat and glasses and re-becomes Stanley.

Cue Something in the Air by Fish.

Earl walks down the street and is surprised to see what looks like his list trailing him wind-blown down the street. He picks up his pace but soon tires (damn cigarettes). The wind floats the yellow paper right onto Earl. He looks at it and finds it’s just a cheeseburger wrapper.

Ha ha! It’s just a wrapper! There is no Karma! An overjoyed Earl jumps, turns, and runs (as if he just scratched a winning lottery ticket) right into the path of a speeding car. End over end, arse over tea-kettle, Earl slams to the pavement. Think Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black.

Earl had thought that Karma had forgotten all about him, but “…Karma had just been laying low, keeping tally…” of Earl’s activities. Earl knows when he’s beat, and yells at no one in particular, “Okay, you’re there. You only punish me for being bad? How about rewarding me for being good? What about that? Where’s the good?”

The driver of the car comes to Earl’s aid, and…it’s Billie (Alyssa Milano), Frank (Michael Rapaport)'s ex-girlfriend! Earl and Billie recognize each other, at least until Earl passes out. Billie tells Earl to lie still, and as she turns to run and get help (as if she just scratched a winning lottery ticket), she runs right into the path of a speeding car. End over end, arse over tea-kettle, Billie slams to the pavement. Think Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black.

And so we leave Earl and Billie lying unconscious in the street in Camden County for who knows how long. Most likely we won’t find out what happens to them until at least in the fall when the new season starts. God willing the writer’s strike will be over by then. In the meantime, I intend to lower my handicap, read a few dozen books, and construct a flagstone patio. ¡Vaya con Dios, amigos!


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