My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Early Release

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Welcome once again Earl-ites to the A. J. Johnson Memorial Prison, Car Wash, and Delicatessen. As the marquee states, “Available for film locations.” Nice place that.

Earl’s packing all of his stuff into his list-pillow, and old friends Frank and Paco stop by to give Earl a going-away present. Frank and Paco have made Earl a mirror with stripes on it so every time he shaves or combs his mustache he'll remember his time as a guest of the state. Seems doubtful that he would ever forget, but hey, with gifts it’s the thought that counts. And a mirror with stripes on it is better than a stretched-out bunghole. By a longshot.

Outside the prison, Darnell, Joy, and Catalina are awaiting Earl’s emancipation. Catalina and Joy get into it like only they can. God I love those two. Darnell tries to keep the peace as Randy the prison guard practices his slo-mo run ‘n’ hug. Darnell’s even brought a caramel apple for Earl. Sweet. One can only assume that Mr. Turtle is on his way.

Earl approaches the gate only to find out that he’s not getting sprung today. And to make matters worse, he’s not on the extra pudding list either. (“Could be worse…could be raining…”) Earl goes to see the warden to get to the bottom of this foul-up only to be put into shackles and get told that all of his Time Off certificates have been shredded. To Supertramp’s Long Way Home, Earl knees the warden right in the man marbles. I gotta agree with the warden: What's the point of the shackles if they can still do that?

As Earl gets escorted to solitary confinement, Joy and Darnell tire of waiting for him and they get into Joy’s Brat to head back to the trailer park. Even Catalina’s leaving. If she waits too long she'll have to stand on the bus. Holding the pole makes her feel like she’s at work. Randy is left to make the congratulatory pyramid all by himself.

Earl gets tossed into solitary confinement (a la Shawshank Redemption) until he can get his head straight (must be a failure to communicate), agree to stay in prison, and keep making the warden look good. To Hocus Pocus by Focus, Earl gets to attend mass, shower, and exercise all while being contained in a two foot by three foot by seven foot box. Kind of reminded me of the monolith from A Space Odyssey. But with a peephole and a bushy mustache.

But soon it’s back to a proper cell, and it’s not long before Earl starts to lose whatever tenuous grasp on reality he might’ve had. Twiddling his thumbs ("…now in reverse…double-time…”), playing charades, and Lawrence Welk-ing an imaginary band help to pass the time, but at what cost? Sixty days later, and Earl’s drooling and cowering in the fetal position when the warden comes to let him out. But there’s more to this porn-star-mustached ne’er-do-well than meets the eye. With a Cool Hand Luke (less the fifty eggs) steely glint in his eye, Earl tells Randy, “It’s time to bust out of this place.”

To The Animals We Gotta Get Out Of This Place, Earl re-assembles his gang like a modern day Henry Gondorff. (A personal best - two Paul Newman references in one blog.) Frank, Paco, and Randy plot Earl’s escape. Actually, Frank’s good at what NOT to do. Dressing like a female infirmary nurse (he was too good-looking - bad idea in a men's prison), hiding in mattresses (darn those pitchfork-wielding guards), and prematurely celebrating his freedom right outside the gate like a football player spiking the ball on the five yard line are all proven losers. What to do, what to do?

As Earl decorates the prison in garland and lights, he looks for a way out. A drain, a vent, anything. But it’s a rat that shows Earl the way out. Luckily, the warden’s always getting lost and conveniently left a blueprint of the prison lying around for any freedom-minded prisoner to use as he sees fit. With Randy inking a quick sketch of the prison onto Earl’s back (BTW - Earl is very ticklish), the game’s afoot.

It’s not just good enough to get to the loading dock. They’re going to have to get out the front gate. But how? Randy provides the answer here when he informs the boys that not everyone is searched entering or leaving the prison. The local priest and nun come around every Wednesday. God only knows what she’s able to hide under that habit. (Calling Sister Bertrille…) To help in their escape, Frank’s constructed a zip gun. He’s only been able to make one bullet though. Sure hope Randy doesn’t shoot a big hole in the blueprint they drew on the wall…oooooh...too late. Frank is able to make another bullet from Earl’s bedsprings so Operation Overlord is a go.

Frank and Paco stage a fight, so Randy hauls them and Earl away down a deserted hallway and unlocks a door. Outside the prison, the lovely Catalina flags down our mobil priest and nun. The next time we see the holy VW microbus, Joy is driving in nun’s garb (I was strangely aroused), and Darnell is riding shotgun dressed as a priest. The guards at the main gate wave in Father Darnell and Sister Joy, and the dominoes are falling into place.

Earl, Frank, and Paco are crawling through the air duct. Taking roll call, Earl finds that they’ve been joined by Randy. Randy doesn’t see a problem with this. After all, he’s free to leave the prison, and it was never specified exactly how he supposed to leave.

Father Darnell and Sister Joy are leading a group of inmates in a loud and raucous revival meeting. I absolutely loved it when Joy had them chanting. "When I say Holy, you say Ghost" "When I say say butter, you say toast!" "When I say Springer, you say host!" Why, they’re making almost enough noise to cover the sound of Earl and Randy crashing through the air duct right into the warden’s office. As the warden grabs the phone to call for help, Earl grabs the zip gun. “Guess I shoulda grabbed the gun,“ says the warden.

Earl’s fretting and pacing, worrying about what to do. Randy’s not concerned. He just wants to get that darn frog across that darn road. The warden seems uncomfortable with his newly-acquired status of “hostage”.

Darnell and Joy are looking to fill up the back of the van with escaped inmates and high-tail it. But no inmates are forthcoming. Darnell gives the guard a Vulcan neck-pinch telling Joy, “He’ll be out for fourteen minutes and thirty-six seconds.” Joy responds, “Is that what you did to me the other night when I was begging for Round Two?” Darnell can only respond, “I’m not a machine, baby.” Darnell hops up and crawls into the air duct. In there, he passes Frank and Paco on their way out ("Never leave a man behind."). As Frank and Paco exit the air duct, Darnell crashes through and belly flops right into the warden’s office. In the tumult, the warden grabs the gun. Things look very grim for our stalwart conspirators.

Outside, the neck-pinched guard is waking up. Joy attempts to re-neck-pinch him to no avail. So she clobbers him with a big old keyboard. Boom boom out go the lights. Frank and Paco are ready to take advantage of the situation. The next time we see Paco he’s dressed as a nun and driving the VW right out the main gate.

Never one to fail to take advantage of the unconscious, Joy is wearing the sleeping prison guard’s shirt. As she starts to remove his pants to complete her ensemble, she says, “Ewww, you need to do some grooming down there. It looks like a thimble wearing a clown wig.” I dunno about anyone else, but I had a mental image of the guy who used to wear the rainbow wig to all those football games in the 70’s.

Darnell wakes up, shakes off the dust, stands up and sees Earl. “Hey Earl.” Earl responds in time-honored tradition, “Hey Crabman.”

Darnell looks at the warden and says, “Richard Jammer?”

Whuh-huh?

Turns out, before he was married to the governor, our boy the warden used to make his living peddling the pink steel in porn. In Harry Monroe’s…I mean pre-Witness Protection Program Darnell’s apartment. For a special treat, look up Richard Hammer's co-star, Darcy Donavan. She worked with Jaime Pressly in Tomcats, and was also in Anchorman. Hubba hubba la-boomski.

Agreeing to keep this whole unseemly episode quiet, Earl and the warden part ways. To Bob Dylan’s I Shall Be Released, Earl walks out of A. J. Johnson prison a free man, his debt to society paid in full.

But Earl is confused. He did wrong, and Karma should be kicking his butt. As he walks out of the prison, Frank and Paco are getting escorted back in. Seems that as Paco was driving the VW microbus to freedom, he spotted his long-lost love Catalina walking on the side of the road causing him to crash head-on into a cop car. I can see that. FTB

Next week Bad Earl resumes his criminal ways as Karma seems to have deserted him. Until a car and Billie come crashing back into his life. Looks like that'll be the last MNIE until after the writer's strike ends, so enjoy it while it lasts.


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