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My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Our Other Cops Is On

Watch the episode here.

Life as a prison guard has not been easy for Randy. Especially when it's time to turn off the TV, and Joey (aka Big Pussy aka Vincent Pastore)'s eaten the knob. But wait -- can it be? Why, yes, it is! COPS returns to Camden County! When COPS visited Camden County last season, the episode was spec-friggin-tacular. This time around the bar is raised and gloriously leapt over like a gazelle on the cream and the clear.

We're on a ride-along with Officer Stuart Daniels (played once again by Mike O'Malley - Happy birthday, Mike!) pre-PBA, and it's the first Independence Day since September 11, 2001. By my reckoning, that'd put us somewhere around July 4, 2002, a bit over five years ago, so this episode - both COPS and MNIE - qualify as flashbacks.

It's also time for the Camden County Indepencence Day fair. Dan Coscino (who apparently toiled as a production assistant on greg Garcia's Yes, Dear) is singing for his supper ("America Rocks!"), Didi the one-legged girl is hawking Osama toilet paper ("Show Osama your morning shock and awe!"), and Voicebox Guy is wearing an Osama bobblehead and sitting in a Persian Gulf dunk tank. Deputy Daniels throws a dozen or so pitches and misses every one of them. Luckily, Earl runs up and hits the target giving Voicebox Osama the dunking he deserves.

Officer Jeff Hoyne is responding to a domestic disturbance at the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park. Joy's weed-whacking Earl, and not just his overgrown mustache. Officer Hoyne wants to know who called nine-one-one, and a man in a turban steps forward. Hoyne looks at him and says, "What are you?" The man replies, "I'm Sikh." Hoyne responds, "Hope ya feel better." Okay, bad pun, but it amused the hell out of me. Is that wrong? Kevin the cameraman is catching all of this snappy dialog and riveting action. Kevin you may remember is the same cameraman from COPS I who got pelted with a brick by Joy. Anyway, Joy is giving Earl the ol' Black and Decker treatment because he hasn't been treating her in the manner in which she'd like to become accustomed. After some verbal sparring worthy of the Connecticut Roundtable, Earl calls Joy a crazy ho. Joy briefly ponders Earl's bon mot, and then whacks Earl with a handy garden implement saying, "I'll show you a crazy hoe -- " Oh, the infinite jest --

Meanwhile, the police have been summoned to Club Chubby. The Lovely Catalina has called in a complaint. Apparently, there's a drunken lifeguard on the stage performing Surrey With The Fringe On Top from Oklahoma. Yes, sports fans, Mr. Tim Stack (writer of part one of this one hour ep) has returned in spectacular fashion. Damn handsome as ever, his dulcet tones captivate the audience almost as much as Catalina's cleavage. He usually opts for numbers from My Fair Lady, but hey, we're grateful o so grateful. Until he takes a Farley-esque header. Kill the lights and bring down the curtain, Elvis has left the building.

Officer Daniels is making a quick stop at a residence. Goodness, it's Gay Kenny! Kenny (way) outbid and won a ride-along with Camden's finest. Or Officer Daniels. Whichever. And Kenny's parents are bursting with pride. This should take the place of Kenny's prom. Smile for the camera!

Back at the fair, Officer Daniels and Kenny are responding to a snack-related disturbance. A large sweet-but-meaty Randy-shaped buffoon has somehow gotten his head completely covered with pink cotton candy and is out of control. Well, duh. After Randy runs into a pole and gets knocked out, Officer Danels sums it up best saying, "That's why we call cotton candy 'The Deadliest Snack'."

Civil unrest continues unabated at the fair at the Hands On A Hardbody contest. Apparently, the contestants were supposed to keep their hands on a Jeep, but since the car is at the bottom of a quarry, Patti the Daytime Hooker has generously volunteered her hard body to take its place. The winner will get Patti's full menu for a whole hour (Saints preserve us). The height-challenged guy ("Why do you have to call me short? Why can't I be the guy in the red shirt?") has even glued his hand to Patti's thigh. Now that's just plain smart.

Officer Bobbi Bowman (Kathy Kinney) is taking inventory of the equipment given to the Camden County PD by the Department of Homeland Security. It was supposed to go to Camden, New Jersey, but what the hell. Boy, sure hope nothing happens to all that expensive stuff --

Officer Hoyne is responding to a report of a kidnapping. He knocks on the door and Darnell answers. You'd think after COPS I that Darnell would've installed a peephole in the door, but -- Darnell's grandmother has Darnell's girlfriend trapped in the bathroom. Darnell's girlfriend? Yup, you guessed it -- it's Joy. Darnell realizes the seriousness of the situation saying, "There's no talking to my grandmoms when she's got a curling iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear." It doesn't happen often - if ever - but Joy gets a comeuppance from Darnell's g-mom. She burns Joy's eyebrow with the curling iron, sears Officer Hoyne's forehead, and then takes off like Jesse Owens out the back door. Mighty big coincidence that because Darnell's grandmother competed in the 1936 Olympics. "Hitler hated her," says Darnell. Joy's side of the story is that she wasn't cheating on her husband, she was just there to buy a nickel bag. That would be a bagful of nickels, explains Darnell. Thanks for clarifying.

Quick cut to Officer Bowman responding to a complaint of Child Endangerment at Club Chubby. Turns out the complaint could not be farther from the truth. Yes, Catalina has the child strapped to her in one of those front-carrying baby carriers, but she's babysitting for one of the other employees. Just goes to prove no good deed goes unpunished. Officer Bowman takes the baby for a spin on her DHS scooter in search of the tot's mom. Personally, I know which chest I'd rather be strapped to -- um -- to which chest -- direct object -- Catalina's chest -- strapped...distraction -- must -- concentrate -- Okay, I'm back now.

Things are not so full of bosomy goodness back at the fair. A lamb has been kidnapped from the petting zoo. And oddity of oddities, Earl and Randy have a lamb-shaped sheepdog under a couple of blankets. Officer Daniels accidentally shoots, I mean puts down, the poor little "rabid" lamb, and it's kabobs and gyros for everyone!

On the mean streets of Camden, DHS-scootered Officer Bowman encounters Earl and Randy joy-riding in a borrowed bumper car. She applauds their attempt to " -- keep it green!" Boy, if that actually worked it sure would go a long way to solving the world's energy problems. Be a lot less fender-benders too.

There's a home invasion at the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park. There are two men in a trailer and only three armed officers. Ooh, don't like them odds. But it's only Earl and Randy, and Earl's just borrowing the Sikh's bathroom because Joy locked him out of his own trailer. Wouldn't want him dropping steam where the kids play, wouldja? As the officers haul away Earl and Randy, Joy's and then Darnell's naked but pixelated torsos pop up in the bedroom window of Earl's and Joy's trailer. Hmmm -- one could get a bad feeling about something like that. Wait, is that a clock I hear? What time is it? Cuckold -- cuckold -- cuckold -- But the officers are kind enough to take Earl and Randy back to the fair. It is the Fourth of July after all, and they seem like nice guys.

Speaking of nice guys, there's a lost little blond blue-eyed boy at the fair, but there's no shortage of volunteers to take him. In, I mean. Gosh, maybe it does take a village. Officer Hoyne & Co. are about to begin their DHS-sponsored spiel. But first, some t-shirts for the crowd! Who knew those t-shirt-firing pneumatic guns had different setting for Stadium versus Right-up-close?

Things haven't settled down yet at Club Chubby (thank God). Catalina and another entertainer are fighting over Escobar-a-lop-lop. Escobar doesn't understand all the hullabaloo. After all, there's plenty of Escobar to go around. But Cat and the other girl soon get to brawling much to the enjoyment of every red-blooded patron of Club Chubby and your humble blogger. Anybody got change for a five?

Bad news back at the fair. All of the high tech equipment has gone missing. And the fireworks too. Moaning and wailing and gnashing of teeth soon follow. Is that anthrax on the funnel cakes? Officer Daniels-inspired panic follows and the fairgrounds are soon emptied of fairgoers. Captain Mommy is going to be so upset. But all is not lost. Officer Daniels is putting together his very own torture/interrogation playkit (Waterboarding For Dummies). Mr. Mukasey, phone call --

Earl and Randy are amusing themselves with an impressive collection of high tech gear that they seem to have chanced upon. Earl is wearing a helmet camera, and Randy has an expensive-looking ("Is it heavy?" "Yeah." "Then it's expensive. Put it down.") video camera that even has infrared. Wonder if that might come in handy any time soon --

Officer Bobbi Bowman is walking the now-deserted Camden County Fairgrounds. "The terrorists kneed us in the nuts," she says. "The nuts of our hearts." Even Patti the Daytime Hooker is despondent, albeit still glued to a diminutive red-shirted man. "I always thought I'd die at the hands of a team of JV football players," she states.

Back at Club Chubby, the Lovely Catalina is reminiscing about her first terrorist attack. When she was six, she hijacked a schoolbus full of diplomat's kids in response to having the jelly stolen from her jelly and mud sandwich. A more righteous cause I cannot imagine. "There are no winners in terrorism," she laments.

Joy and a woefully-inadequately-hidden-in-Joy's-Subaru Darnell are concerned that Earl's evening's entertainment has disappeared along with the fireworks. She's worried that without fireworks Earl will be depressed all night. On his couch. In his trailer. Joy's looking for some afternoon delight ("Skyrockets in flight -- "), and it don't involve one Mr. Earl Hickey. Earl is still getting acquainted with his helmet camera while Randy gets acquainted with the inside of a garbage truck.

Lucky for Kenny, his winning bid on the ride-along includes lunch at the Crabshack with Officer Daniels. The Kool-aid-and-beer-flavored merlot goes quite well with chicken wings. Let's see -- red with meat, white with fish -- yeah, that's the ticket.

Darnell's shift is over at the Crabshack. With all the police attention focused on terrorists, that means he's less likely to get arrested for DWB, especially since his t-shirt proclaims DANGER - EDUCATED BLACK MAN. He's headed for the door, and Joy scoots off her barstool after him while T-Rex's Get It On (aka Bang a Gong) plays in the background.

There's another Domestic Disturbance at the trailer park. Earl is throwing rocks at the Sikh's trailer for ogling Joy's elbow. Joy, meanwhile is clad only in her robe and a smile. Thank God for that infrared camera because Earl can tell that she's "ready to go." Errant aiming of the camera shows that a naked Darnell behind the curtains is also ready to go. Randy finds Darnell's t-shirt, but Joy explains it away nicely by saying that she bought it to give to Earl Jr. when he graduates high school. The sound of breaking glass interrupts Earl, and the IR camera catches Earl and Randy with forty-watt bulbs in their pockets. Randy's helmet cam catches a buck-naked Darnell high-tailing for cover, any cover. But Earl mistakes naked Darnell for the Sikh, and takes out after him. Officer Daniels attempts to bust in the door to the Sikh's trailer, but the darn door is locked and besides, it opens outward. After a brief scuffle in which Earl gets clocked with a rake, Joy beats up Gay Kenny, and the Sikh gets sacked like a box of Crispy Cremes at a Weight Watchers convention, it's the back of a squad car for Joy and Earl. Again.

Over at Club Chubby, Tim Stack is all liquored up and comparing the good ol' US of A to Viet Nam (" -- they're both broken -- ") while complimenting the Vietnamese people on their flexibility.

Information extraction in a post-9/11 world involves delving into the nether regions of suspected terrorists with a Digital Fiberscope camera. Let's just say that it's true: The sun don't shine where the sun don't shine. Earl's 5th and 6th Amendment rights go right out the window like a naked Darnell. But it's Randy to the rescue as he steals the police car with a handcuffed Joy and Earl in the back and Cameraman Kevin riding shotgun.

Time for a brief commercial break. I normally don't mention commercial breaks, but this time, NBC's Brian Williams came on mentioning that he will be hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend. Unless there's a writer's strike in which case he'll be hosting My Name Is Earl. Please o please o please let those writers strike -- Hell, Nadine Velazquez is in Chicago this week -- maybe she'll stay longer --

Anyway, back to our show.

Randy and Earl and Joy and Kevin are on their way to Canada. Shoulda gone to Bolivia. They've got beer, and they've got a pot leaf on their flag. How cool is that? I always thought it was a maple leaf, but hey, I'm no botanist. Kevin wants to be dropped off, but Earl says no because now Kevin knows where they're headed. So Earl and Randy stuff Kevin in the trunk, and it's back to the trailer park to pick up a few essentials. That's better than the lake Randy wants to drive the car into. Sorry -- into which -- oh, you know what I mean.

Officer Hoyne's not worried about getting his squad car back. After all, all the squad cars are equipped with Lo-Jack. And besides, they're more concerned with keeping an eye on a liquored-up Tim Stack driving around town in a bumper car. Not to worry though. Those bumper cars are made for crashing into stuff. Like boxes of stolen fireworks. It's oohs and aahs all around as the Camden County Fireworks Extravaganza goes off spectacularly. The gang even sings America the Beautiful in six-part harmony. Off-key, and badly timed, but heartfelt. Kevin is enjoying his own fireworks in the trunk courtesy of a road flare.

So the fair is back on, the high tech equipment is returned to its "rightful" owners, and Earl agrees to drop his illegal torture/interrogation lawsuit against the county if they'll drop all charges. And the terrorists versus cops score is tied at one each. "Your move, terrorists." Kenny is with Officer Daniels and has a corndog in one hand and bad intentions in the other. But Officer Daniels is only interested in the corndog. Phallic Deep Fried Food Rocks!

COPS is over, and it's time to turn off the TV. The prisoners are a little impressed that Randy knows Tim Stacks (sic). Joey wants to kidnap him and burn him alive. Randy sings a catchy little ditty to capture the moment and we FTB.

Posted by Randy Welk on November 1, 2007 11:18 PM
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