My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: The Gangs of Camden County, or Catalina, Wherefore Art Thou?

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Prison life has improved a bit for one Mr. Earl Hickey. There’s fewer lockdowns and awkward cavity searches going on ever since Earl helped to get paroled the prison’s biggest troublemaker. And due to that little Karma-scapade, Earl has an appointment with the warden. Why, he’s even trimming his toenails - a wee spot of grooming that Randy used to do for Earl while Earl slept - in preparation for the big meet. Of course, Ron the prison guard is standing close watch. They don’t just give any old prisoner his own toenail clipper ya know. Earl wants to know where’s the trust? Since they’re running a bit late, Ron sprays Earl in the face with some mace and tells Earl to tell the warden that Earl resisted. It’s always good to have a plan.

Meanwhile, outside the Camden County Hoosgow, Randy is still waiting to get arrested. It’s been three days since he stole a car in an attempt to be reunited with Earl, and the pine tree air freshener is running out of flavor. Okay, I’ll admit it - this was one of several Ewww moments that this show provided this week. And I am not known for having a particularly sensitive tum tum.

So Randy abandons his stolen car ploy and attempts something a little more direct. He finds the nearest cop and confesses to being the Truck Stop Killer. Unfortunately, the TSK was already caught. So Randy cops to some graffiti on the wall. The cop says cool, would you like to do a mural in my baby’s room? So Randy slaps the cop and faster than you can say Bob’s yer uncle Randy’s behind bars. Not the same bars that Earl is behind, but bars nevertheless. Joy bails Randy’s ass out and is none too happy about it.

Back in stir, Warden Jerry Hazelwood (played by Craig T. Nelson of Blades of Glory, Poltergeist - written by Steven Spielberg - and Coach fame) has a little gift for Earl. Since Earl helped Glen the Camden Scout get paroled, Hazelwood has a Get Out Of Jail One Week Early certificate for Earl. Jerry never really wanted to be a warden, but his wife (receiving not nearly enough screen time Dee Wallace from ET - directed by Steven Spielberg, Cujo, and ABC's short-lived Sons and Daughters) got elected governor and he needed a job. His warden gig may not be all that and a side of cream corn ever since the wood shop/ladders episode, but hey, a job's a job. Let’s not even talk about the mandatory Bring Your Daughter To Work day. And now there’s…who'd'a thunk it…inter-racial disharmony in the yard. The Black gang and the Latino gang are mixing it up on a pretty regular basis, and the warden would like it to stop. Pull this off, he tells Earl, and there’s a month off your time in it for you. Earl says giddy-up.

The gangs are led by their respective leaders, Hector and Jamal, who are like Oscar and Felix, but with shivs and tats. So the warden has the bright idea of throwing them both into solitary together and letting the chips (and teeth) fall where they may. It’s not exactly Brokeback Mountain in there because a month later the two inmates are still duking on each other.

Earl’s in the prison garden trying to find a solution to this mess. Behind him a prisoner is sharpening a carrot with malice aforethought. And on the basketball court, a Shaq-type free throw finds its way to Hector’s gang where it quickly becomes a soccer ball and Reason number 237 for the gangs to mix it up. But it gives Earl a great idea. And not just to listen to Jerry Lee Lewis’ Great Balls of Fire. If the two gangs fight over one ball, maybe if each gang has their own ball to play with they'll leave the other alone. Not so much. They still get into it. So Earl figures out maybe more balls will do the trick. It turned into a helluva game of Dodgeball cum West Side Story.

Visiting Day at the prison and Joy and Randy come a-callin'. Randy really really misses Earl, and has brought Hostess Sno Balls, a favorite treat that they used to share - Randy the top half, and Earl the cream-and-cavity-filled center. But Joy and Randy soon get to bickering, and Earl’s had enough. He tells Randy to say one nice thing about Joy. He says, in typical Randy understatement, that Joy has a nice rack. That’s kinda like saying the the pope's got a nice house. And Earl tells Joy to say something nice about Randy. She says that he’s getting much better at flushing the big guys. I don’t know about anybody else but I got a warm and fuzzy.

All this lovey-dovey crap gets Earl thinking. If it can work for Joy and Randy, maybe it’ll work for Hector and Jamal. Earl grabs his Sno Ball and heads for the warden’s office to discuss his latest idea. When Randy sees Earl sharing his Sno Ball with Ron the guard it gets Randy to thinking too. Why, you can even see the four watt bulb above his head glowing. No small feat.

With the warden's permission, Earl gets Hector and Jamal together in the warden's office. Earl tries the Say One Nice Thing schtick, but those two just aren't having it. They're reluctant to show weakness in front of the video camera perched up in the corner. So Earl climbs up to disconnect it, and as he turns back around, he sees Hector and Jamal tongue-wrestling. Cue Ewww moment number two. It's Brokeback Mountain after all.

Seems that back when Hector and Jamal were locked up in solitary for a month they got a few things straight between them. They both hate spiders, love throw pillows, and have uncanny decorating sense. And as they were getting out of solitary, it was one last smoochie, and pop pow turn on the fisticuffs for the guards. Now that they are back in general population, they start up gangfights just so they can snatch a few moments of Squeeze My Buttocks under the bleachers.

Earl tells the boys that they should be honest about their feelings, that they could be role models. I thought it was kind of reminiscent of Earl's acceptance of Gay Kenny way back when. But Hector tells Earl that his gang won't accept Jamal because he's black. And gay. Jamal feels scorned. He needs more than just the occasional punch in the throat from his fella. This leads to all out war with sharpened spoons and carrots in the yard.

Warden Hazelwood isn't happy. (At least he didn't crash an oil tanker into the trailer park.) Earl was supposed to put an end to all the fighting, not increase it. And now the warden has a full infirmary and one guy with a bucket on his head that may not ever come off. Kind of like the kid from Parenthood. And the warden's got a fraternity reunion coming up so now is not a good time for him to be jobless. Getting fired by your wife rarely looks good on a resume.

Speaking of the trailer park, Randy's reading a book. And it's right side up even. Go figger. It's called So You Want To Be A Prison Guard. Darnell's worried. He knows that prison guarding is a dangerous job, and that Randy has the reaction time of "...a snake in winter..." and slaps Randy at one-quarter impulse speed to prove it. But Joy's the Wind Beneath Randy's Wings, and she's going to help him study for the Prison Guard exam. Hopefully, it'll turn out better than when Randy took the GED.

Back in stir, while Jamal is in the shower, Earl steal Jamal's sweat-soaked pit-stained shirt and wipes it on Hector's pillow. Cue Ewww moment number three. And with a little help from the serial-killing laundry dude, Earl has Jamal's t-shirt shrunk down a few sizes. While Jamal is in the yard, and with Montrose's Rock Candy playing in the background, Earl accidentally soaks Jamal with the garden hose. Can you say Spring Break? Hector sees Jamal in all his wet t-shirted glory and gets an epiphany. Or something. And when Hector sees Jamal licking an orange Push Up that Earl gave him (cue Ewww moment number four), Hector's Latin blood could boil tea.

Outside in academia, Randy is taking the Prison Guard entrance exam. The proctor tells Randy that he scored 55%. Randy wants to play the race card but he's not exactly sure how.

Hector wants Earl to talk to Jamal for him. He wants Earl to tell Jamal that he is his "...pouty-lipped he slut..." and his "...chocolate-covered man-candy." Yup. Ewww moment number five. Earl tells Hector maybe you could write all this down in a note because he feels a smidge uncomfortable saying these things to another man the big wussy. Earl passes on the message in the hall right after gym class, but Jamal's still hurt. Hector tells Earl that he can't live without Jamal, and he up and runs straight into the electrified fence and starts dancing the 10,000 volt Watusi.

Jamal sees his beloved getting fried and pries him off the fence with a big wooden stick. To his gang, it looks as though Jamal is beating Hector and he gets roundly applauded for beating a guy while he's down. To the Doobie Brothers' Listen to the Music, Jamal and Hector kiss and hug and make up and kiss. Earl arranges for them to get to use the warden's office once a month to straighten out their differences. In noisy and enthusiastic and strictly heterosexual fashion, Earl tells the warden. And Earl gets his Get Out Of Jail One Month Early certificate.

The ep closes with the Latino gang and the Black gang happily playing with their balls in the yard. As Earl watches this pastoral scene, who should saunter up beside him but Randy, who passed his prison guard exam with the highest score they've seen this year. Nobody but nobody splits a Sno Ball with Earl but Randy.

Posted by Randy on October 5, 2007 10:43 AM
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