My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Frank’s Girl

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Welcome to the Camden County Correctional Institute. I wish my life had a soundtrack because then I would know - because the Young Rascals Good Lovin’ is playing - that it’s Conjugal Visit Day. Earl’s pal Frank is expecting a visitor, and she’s not one of those letter-writing first-timers either. Unfortunately, Frank is in the Hot Box for Tysoning another inmate. Frank wants Earl to pass along his regrets to his girl Billie that he won’t be playing Hide The Salami this month.

Joy meanwhile is shooting some stick at the Crabshack, trying to pull off the old Behind The Back triple-bank shot while eight months surrogate-pregnant, and, go figger, it ain’t working so good. The Lovely Catalina sees Joy’s painfully swollen feet and sympathetically says to Joy, “Your feet look like hungry biscuits trying to swallow your flip-flops.” She’s so thoughtful. Joy doesn’t really appreciate Cat’s sympathy, and craps her pants. Yup, you read that right. Joy drops a big old steamer right in her Thursday thong. And while Joy’s hosing down in the Ladies room, Catalina, ever the resourceful one, snaps a picture using her camera phone.

In prison, Earl’s headed for the Conjugating Room - we’re not talking Latin verbs here - and he passes two big jars of condoms. One of them’s full…the one labeled Ribbed For Her Pleasure. The other one’s almost empty…the one labeled Ultra-thin For His Pleasure. Escorted by Randy, Earl enters the room, and there’s Billie (played by Alyssa Milano) wearing a sexy cop uniform. She sees Earl and says that she told Frank no more threesomes. Earl explains why he’s there and Frank isn’t.

Cue flashback…cue Still The One by Orleans…

Frank and Billie meet cute while Earl talks up Frank. But Billie’s not buying what Earl’s selling. So Earl tells Billie that he knows Frank loves her because of the angel tattoo Billie has “down there.” Billie’s very upset that Frank told Earl all the details about her vaginal art that she tells Earl to tell Frank that the relationship is over. Earl tells Billie to give Frank a second chance (kind of like my Simpsons pajama bottoms where Homer is saying, “Please give me another last chance.”) But no, Billie’s done. She’s even going to take out her promise ring when she gets home. The mind reels at where it might be. As she leaves, Randy reads Earl the post-coital instructions, “Please pull up your pants…”

Since Earl’s list was taken away from him on his first day in stir, he’s forced to make a new list, and he’s writing it on a prison pillow case.

1. Stole an extra something (pillow maybe?)
2. Looked the other way during a stabbing
3. Wrote on a prison pillow case
4. Made Frank’s girl dump him

Earl tells Frank that Billie’s gone. Frank takes it badly if curling up into the fetal position and whimpering are any indication.

Back in the World, Joy is getting blackmailed by Catalina. She’s tossing and turning in bed so much that Mr. Turtle throws up on Darnell’s copy of the Baghdad Picayune. Since Joy can’t blackmail Catalina back, she’s going to have to kill her. She’s going to make Poison Cookies. Again. Darnell, still weakened by Mr. Turtle’s precarious digestive tract, tells Joy to nix the Arsenic and Old Lace gambit, and that maybe she should try being nice to Catalina. Joy considers this for a moment and prays to God for strength. Strength and a lightning bolt that turns Catalina into a churro. Reminded me a bit of Alan Shepard’s prayer in The Right Stuff.

Frank is finally released from the Hot Box, and he’s not well. According to Earl’s VO, he’s done the absolute worst thing you can do in prison - he’s given up. His shoes are missing, and his socks soon follow. And James is tattooing his name on Frank’s ass. Earl says to Frank, “We’re gonna hafta get you a new girlfriend.” But James intercepts Earl’s comment to Frank and says to Earl, “Whaddaya think this means?”

To Foghat’s Slow Ride, Frank and Earl begin filming brief bios for the letter-writers on ConvictMatch dot com. Frank doesn’t hold out much hope, but hey, if Pillow the torso-prisoner can get a date why couldn’t a couple of handsome specimens like Earl and Frank score some strange?

Joy is trying to be nice. She meets up with Catalina in the Crabshack, and extends a peace offering in the form of a donkey piñata. But if Catalina wants the stick to bust open that donkey, she’s going to have to give up the crapped-panties photo. Cat says you’re not getting the picture, and oh by the way I’ll have that stick or I’ll send the picture to everyone in the Camden County phone book. Joy gives up the piñata-whacking stick saying, “I just got out-smarted by an illegal. I am so voting in ‘08!”

Frank and Earl get responses. Frank’s date is a cute girl named Lucy who pees when she’s nervous. They soon scamper off to the bedroom. Earl’s date is a deep-voiced tranny named Annie whose wiener doesn’t function.

Over at Club Chubby, Catalina’s in her dressing room. She tucks in the puppy’s noses and heads for the stage. Joy leaps out of the closet, steals Catalina’s camera phone, and hightails it for parts unknown.

Earl and Annie are having a nice chat. Turns out Annie is easy to talk to, and Earl soon tells Annie the saga of The List. Annie tells Earl that he/she is gonna go through with the whole surgery. Earl says, “Hole surgery? I thought they’d have a better name for it than that.” Frank is about to give Lucy a belly button-piercing so she’ll be more like Billie, but Earl stops him in just the nick of time. We gotta get you and Billie back together Earl tells Frank.

Courtesy of the USPS, Joy gets a nice picture of herself on the hopper. “Oh snap,” says Joy. Wait a sec…I get it…snap…picture…okay, they got me with that one. Joy’s…I mean Catalina’s…cell phone starts to ring. It’s Catalina on the other end of the call, and now she knows for certain that Joy stole her cell phone. The jpeg has already been downloaded, Cat tells Joy, so stealing the phone won’t prevent its publication. Joy just wants to know what’s a jay-peg, what’s a download (something you do on the hopper?), and why is she holding an eight-by-ten color glossy of her with poopy pants?

Billie is giving Frank the cold shoulder. So Frank, with Randy's and Earl’s help, snaps a naked photo and puts himself in all his glory up on a forty foot billboard for the world to behold. That should make him and Billie even, shouldn’t it? Maybe so, but my retinas are still burning.

Joy lost the recipe for Poison Cookies, so she’s going to do the next best thing. She whomps up a batch of Colon Blow Cookies and leaves them in Catalina’s dressing room with a note: From your secret admirer. Poor lovely trusting Catalina unwisely lets her guard down, eats the cookies, and leaps off the stage with butt cheeks clenched and makes a desperate dash for the loo. Joy is there waiting, and snaps a photo of her posterior for posterity. And revenge. No shame there: Catalina done got got by the best in the biz.

Billie shows up at the prison. She’s willing to give Frank another 2nd chance. Earl goes to tell Billie that Frank’s on his way. Billie tells Earl that she’s missing Nursing School classes to be there with Frank, and that if she‘s going to stay with Frank, she may have to put school on hold for a year or two or thirteen until Frank gets out. See, she was in school when she met Frank, and then things just sorta went downhill from there. Like dropping out of school and armed robbery f’r instance. Earl tells Frank that Billie is trying to lead a good life, and that if he loves her he’ll let her go. Frank realizes that Billie was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he was the worst thing that ever happened to her.

To Percy Sledge’s When A Man Loves A Woman, Frank mans up, and tells Billie hasta luego. Billie leaves in tears. Earl tells her that he thinks she’ll make a great nurse. Frank feels bad for having broken up with Billie, but decent for having done the right thing, and he throws away the naked picture of Billie. Earl retrieves the picture, rips off the naughty portion, and tosses it in the garbage. But not to fear, thanks to a sharp-eyed inmate it doesn’t languish in the trash can long. Finis.


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