My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: My Name Is Inmate # 28301-016

Howdy ho you all everybody. Summer's over, and a whole new season of couch-setting, potato chip-eating and TV watching is gloriously upon us. We have a one hour season premier MNIE special, and the gang from The Office and a few other new shows are after our precious viewing minutes and our even more precious consumer dollars. I've said this before and I'll say it again. This show absolutely makes the best use of music beds in the history of television. But my man-crush on Earl Hickey is strong as ever, so let's get to recappin'!

As you recall from last season, Earl is in stir lock-up the big house a guest of the state doin' time, and Camden County just ain't the same without our boy free and unfettered righting wrongs (admittedly self-caused) all about the place. Why, even poor despondent Catalina isn't her old bouncy self at Club Chubby. She still looks magnificent, she just doesn't bounce with her previously uninhibited enthusiasm.

Back behind bars, Earl is waking to another day of charm school when he attempts to rouse his cellmate and longtime partner-in-crime, Ralph. But lo and behold, Ralph has taken a powder and pulled a Shawshank Redemption. Hidden behind a large poster of Dolly Parton is a Ralph-sized hole in the cell wall. Unfortunately, the guards see Ralph's hole before Earl can make proper use of it. Sirens wail, loudspeakers holler "Lockdown!", and it's General Population and a two year slumber party for our boy Earl.

Next morning starts another fun-filled day chock full of adventures and opportunities for Earl as he wakes up and immediately takes inventory of his most valuable and personal belongings. Everything is where it's supposed to be, so it's off to a tasty and nutritious breakfast of liquid steak and brown orange juice (hard to tell which was which), and a day full of Trying Not To Get Bored by playing Guess The Number. Soon, it's off to bed where there's lot's of crying as we listen to The Animals I'm Crying. Even Earl gets a tad weepy.

Next day's ennui in the yard is broken up by a brick to the back of an inmate's head by somebody who looks suspiciously like Big Pussy from The Sopranos. Once again, sirens wail, and loudspeakers holler "Lockdown!" Everyone's down on the ground, searches and frisks all around, and a prison guard gets intimately familiar with Earl's anal cavity, and not in a good way.

It's Visiting Day, and Randy, Catalina, and Darnell come to visit Earl. Catalina is wearing a fetching red two piece. She doesn't like to change after working because there's a new girl at the club who " -- steals pants and sells them back at unreasonable prices." I couldn't tell you what Darnell and Randy were wearing. Darnell offers up some enriching reading material including the Bible, a Torah, and Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. Darnell informs Earl that Joy won't come as she's feeling guilty. Plus, her stained glass Earl head just isn't up to her demanding standards. And besides, the Church Window Thief is still at large, and those Lutherans are hot on the trail. Randy has a couple of questions for Earl including Where's the toothpaste and How do I work this here alarm clock? Visiting time is over and Earl gets hauled away before he is able to answer Randy's probing inquiries.

Out in the yard, Earl is feeling the pressure of being the new guy. Cue Molly Hatchet's Flirtin' With Disaster. He's heard that in order to not become another inmate's love interest, he should knock down the biggest guy. Seems like a good idea until Earl nears the guy and finds he's bigger than Mount McKinley, and punching him will hurt Earl's fist more than the big guy's jaw. So it's time for Plan B.

Gangs in prison are like socks, Earl's VO tells us. They're sorted by color. Unfortunately, Earl's too white to join the Latinos or the Blacks or the Asians, and he's not white enough to join the Albinos. Earl tries to join up with the white supremacists ("Who else thinks the Civil War ain't over it's just halftime?"), but since he won't shave his head, he's out.

Earl soon find a group he just might be able to hang with - the old-timers, including Bill Macy from Maude. They're discussing what they'd like to do with certain female celebrities who've been dead for a number of years when Earl realizes they've been in jail for a loooong time. It's not long before a big guy comes over and steals the old dude's pistachios when Earl realizes that the reason the old guys want Earl with them is to protect them from the big guy. But Earl's no dummy. He punches the old guy and offers up his nuts - pistachios that is - to the big guy. Smart move that.

It's Visiting Day again, and this time Joy has made the trip. She's even brought a gift for Earl: a quilt made from felt (actually the boys' winter coats) portraying Earl's life, including the time he had chicken pox and Joy and Darnell were getting horizontally familiar. It's a very Martha Stewart moment, which is kinda funny because Jaime Pressly's nickname from her gal pals is Martha because she's so -- um -- well -- Martha-ey. Joy is convinced that Earl hates her offering and she's feeling guilty about how she can even up the score of Earl's going to prison for a crime Joy committed. And Randy's lost his job because no one will tell him how to set his alarm clock. He's so lost without Earl that's he's even carrying around one of Earl's shirts for companionship. Earl is suddenly struck with a lightning bolt of an idea. Joy can make it up to Earl and even the score if she will watch over Randy. She agrees to Earl's plan by throwing some change on the floor so Randy can get a snack.

Back out in the yard, Earl is struck with a lightning bolt of another kind. Specifically a beer can-shaped lightning bolt thrown by, of all people, Sonny. You may remember Sonny from way way back in Episode 1. Sonny and Earl had an on-going contest wherein they would pelt each other with beer cans. (Where Sonny got a beer can from in prison is neither here nor there. Maybe it was a soda can. But where Sonny got a soda can from in prison is -- never mind.) After a brief re-introduction between the two old pals (to George Thorogood's Move It On Over) where Sonny tells Earl that the reason he's in jail is because he mistook a cop for Earl and pegged him with a beer can. Sonny describes to Earl his secret of prison survival: invisibility. Invisibility boils down to hiding behind big fat guys and staying in the steam-filled shower room all day.

Back at Pimmet Hills Trailer Park, Darnell is instructing Randy on proper alarm clock usage while Joy puts sheets on the couch. Joy and Darnell want Randy to go to sleep like real quick because they're going to "balance the checkbook." I think this might have been a euphemism for sex, kinda like "canning some peaches" or, as we call it in my house, "putting up some shelves." But Randy likes his bedtime chats with Earl, and he wants to talk to Joy about time travel or sea horses. In Space.

Back in the prison yard, with the Ramones' Hey Ho Let's Go playing in the background, Earl is offered a candy bar by, yes indeedy, it was Big Pussy himself, Vincent Pastore. But Sonny tells Earl that to remain invisible you should never accept anything from anyone or you'll owe them a favor, and in prison favors can get you killed.

Right about this time, Earl sees another old acquaintance in the yard, Glen Shipley, an ex-friend and erstwhile Camden Scout that Young Earl tricked into breaking into a house. Turns out because of Earl Glen thereafter embarked on a life of crime and became number 100-something on Earl's list. Oddly enough, Sonny narcs out Earl to Glen owing to a Zagnut candy bar, and Glen takes out after Earl like a bunch of fatties after an ice cream truck. In one of the most colorful metaphors I have ever heard, Glen threatens to rip off Earl's ears and shove them up Earl's butt so Earl can hear Glen kicking his ass. But before Glen can fulfill his promise, sirens wail, and loudspeakers holler "Lockdown!" and Glen's in the Hot Box.

Earl catches up to Sonny and drags the Zagnut story out of him. Earl angrily kicks a chair disturbing the guards' dominoes game, and once more, sirens wail, and loudspeakers holler "Lockdown!" only this time it's Earl head for the Hot Box. With Glen. This cannot be good.

In moments, Glen is digging in the dirt like a raptor from Jurassic Park underneath the fence between he and Earl spewing the most colorful and creative threats in the history of threatdom. My personal favorite was when Glen said to Earl, "I'm gonna wear you like a puppet on my fist and get into a punch fight with a man made of razor blades."

Out in the world, Randy is attending Joy University. He's enrolled in Crossing The Street 101, Licking Bug Zappers 102, and Reading A Menu 105. And he's failing all of them. Catalina's made an Earl Sock Puppet (Lil Earl) and Randy has grown preternaturally attached to it. Quite frankly, if Catalina grew a foot coming out of her head I would be preternaturally attached to it, but I digress.

Back in the Hot Box, Glen has plum tuckered himself out, and tells Earl his (prison) life story. He's been in and out of prison so many times he's pretty much given up on himself becoming an honest member of society. Earl offers to make it up to Glen. Glen wants a shiv. Or a cheese slicer.

Nighttime at the trailer, and Joy and Darnell are abed. Randy's plaintive plea from the other room ("Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy -- ") sends Joy over the edge and she's this close to making many small Randy's from the one large one. She talks to Randy, telling him that he needs to become somewhat more self-reliant and be less of a burden to Earl. She ends their friendly little chat by duct taping his mouth shut and giving him a pen hole to breathe through. "I saw that on M*A*S*H," she says.

Earl eventually gets out of the Hot Box and gets right down to work building Glen's shiv. Or cheese slicer. A couple of days later and Glen's out of the Hot Box too. Earl's happy to give the shiv to Glen, after removing it from his pants where there might have been a few mishaps. After appreciating Earl's masterful handiwork, Glen abruptly stabs Earl in the shoulder with the shiv. Sirens wail and loudspeakers holler "Lockdown!" The prison doctor plucks out the shiv and slaps a band aid on it. All that was missing was a kiss to make the boo boo better.

Long story short (yeah yeah I know too late), Glen seems to get into some kind of altercation every time he's up for parole. And it usually involves one of the big seven.; to wit, stabbing, burning, biting, strangling, eye-gouging, scalping, or pooping in the yard. Hmmm -- maybe Glen doesn't want to get out of prison. As he tells Earl (to the Stones' Sympathy For The Devil), "Life on the outside ain't no good." Glen wants to stay in prison, but Earl has other ideas. How can I help he asks Glen. Well, Glen says, he's always wanted to go to Mars. Or collect stamps. Anything else asks Earl. Glen tells Earl that he only needed two more badges to get his Camden Scout Honor Sash . Now there's something Earl can help with. Problem is, helping Glen get his Archeology and Natural Science badges will force Earl to bargain with the gangs. And asking for favors from the gangs will cost Earl his invisibility. Ah well, such is life in prison. Karma wherefore art thou?

Earl approaches the gangs. REO Speedwagon's Roll With The Changes plays in the background. The albinos want umbrellas in exchange for Glen to dig in the yard. The cook wants the whole prison evacuated to give Earl a couple of spoons, and the artist wants Earl to watch his invisible dog Simon in exchange for some Archeology brushes. Deal, deal, and deal.

Meanwhile, Joy's tough love approach with Randy is paying dividends. Tough love and a big old rubber band to the neck every time Randy screws up, that is. And calling Randy a giant-headed Hillbilly Linus because Randy's still carrying around one of Earl's old flannel shirts. Crosby, Stills, and Nash are warbling Teach Your Children as Randy orders dinner at the Crabshack and stops before crossing the street. Poor Lil Earl gets the rubber band treatment though.

At Glen's archeological dig in the prison yard, an ancient relic is uncovered. It greatly resembles a molar from some poor previous inmates acquaintanceship with a guard's boot. And collecting maggots, lice, hookworms, maggots, and roaches is mere child's play for a modern prisoner. Glen has fulfilled the requirements for collecting his last two badges, and all that's required now is a scoutmaster to confer the official honor. Oh, but where o where is one to find a scoutmaster in prison? Not to worry There seems to be an abundance of scoutmasters falsely convicted and sent up the river. Glen is satisfied, he reforms, and gets paroled. The last time we see Glen he's getting mocked on the street outside a Quik-E-Mart and is about to go back to his old ways when he sees himself in the car window he's about to smash wearing his Honor Sash and refrains from criminal activity.

Earl's still trying to get the prison evacuated to fulfill his end of the bargain. Seems getting all of the prisoners out of the prison for a day is harder than one might think. But Earl's co-bargainer lets Earl off the hook. Turns out all he really wanted was to get Glen out of the prison so all of the lockdowns would ease up. And once Earl returns Simon the invisible dog to its rightful owner, that bargain is squared away also.

Earl finds that to get along in prison, he has to forgo invisibility and be true to himself. He's no longer just Prisoner # 28301-016. He's Earl again.

Back at Pimmet Hills, Randy has left his flannel shirt security blanket behind. He picks up a big rock outside the Quik-E-Mart and smashes a car window. Randy steals the car, and driving down the street, he yells out the window, "Whoop whoop I'm stealing this car!" Randy's got the I Miss My Brother And I'm Going To Prison To Be With Him blues. Finis.

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Posted by Randy Welk on September 28, 2007 11:52 AM
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