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My Name is Earl Fodder

Darnell Turner Fathered Anna Nicole Smith's Love Child!

A TV Fodder investigative team has uncovered evidence that a popular Camden County bartender is the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's five month old daughter, Dannielynn.

Darnell Turner, a waiter/bartender at the Crabshack, a local restaurant and working man's tavern, is a husband and father of two young sons. Turner has a bit of a mysterious past having arrived in Camden County only a few years ago, and having no prior address that could be confirmed. The similarity in names (Darnell vs. Dannielynn) is considered too close for coincidence.

Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern, claims to be the child's father and is named on the birth certificate. Then Smith's former boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, claimed fatherhood. Then, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, announced that he had a decade-long affair with Smith and that he is the child's father. Smith's chef/bodyguard Alex Denk, has jumped on the paternity bandwagon, claiming a secret two-year affair with Smith. A New York newspaper is even claiming that a "real estate mogul" might be the child's father. Even more bizarre is the claim that Smith impregnated herself with the frozen sperm of her deceased ex-husband J. Howard Marshall II. None of these claims come close to the reality of Turner's fathering Smith's child.

When asked to describe the circumstances that led to his impregnating Smith, Turner said, "I ran into her at the (Crab) Shack. She was passing through, and we got to talking about our pets. She had a favorite stuffed animal she called Mrs. Fuzzy Pink Rabbit, and I was telling her about my pet Mr. Turtle. She got to missing her rabbit and she started feeling all lonely and crying. My wife was with her lawyers again, so I was feeling kind of neglected and lonely too. So I tried to comfort her by giving her some cheese - we were out of crab - and things got a little out of hand. She started experiencing some transference, which is an unconscious redirection of feelings for one person or stuffed animal to another."

When asked to explain his familiarity with technical psychological terminology, Turner became uncomfortable, offered lemon squares, and said, "I saw it on Sopranos."

Continued Turner, "You see, I suffer from RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). Anna and me were getting our groove on and I had an uncontrollable leg cramp that precluded my making a 'timely exit' if you know what I mean. I really should've known better because this has happened to me before."

Turner's wife, Joy, added, "It's her own fault if she caught one of my Darnell's little swimmers. I usually punch him in the junk to let him know that his time is up. If she can't even practice Karma Sutra, then she deserves the stretch marks."

Informed that Smith was dead, Joy added, "Good, saves me the trouble."

Local resident and perennial-small-time-thief-turned-lottery-winner Earl Hickey informed TV Fodder, "This is somebody up there's way of telling somebody down here that the time has come to take a good hard look at their life and do the right thing."

By Randy Welk, TV Fodder MNIE Editor

Posted by Randy Welk on February 12, 2007 1:32 PM
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