My Name is Earl Fodder

My Name Is Earl: Larceny of a Kitty Cat

Okay, so this episode originally aired October 12, 2006 . But TV Fodder hadn't started MNIE recaps yet, so it's new to us. In the future when NBC reruns an episode I've already re-capped, I won't re-publish the same blog. But as long as they show episodes I've not blogged, I'll just keep on blogging 'em. I'd like to go back - maybe over the summer - and re-cap all of Season One. We'll see if there's any interest.

First off, this is another Catalina-less episode. So if you're a fan of illegal housekeepers, feel free to stop reading now. Secondly, I am not a fan of cats, neither the musical nor the species nor the entrÃ©e. So I personally would've liked to see a little more humor of the 'herding them off a cliff' genre, but as that might be considered Bad Karma, I guess I'll just do without. Enough with the proselytizing -- let's have at it!

The ep opens with Earl and Randy leaving the family-style restaurant. Appetites sated and belts loosened, they're headed for the El Camino and back to the motel to rest up for their naps. Randy wants to know if Earl ever worries that he'd forget how to walk. Earl says not so much. Randy worries every time he sits down that his legs will forget how to work. At this very moment, a black cat walks past the dine-amic duo. They stop. Randy is very superstitious. He's not about to cross that cat's path. So they turn around to take the long way when out of nowhere another â€“ or maybe the very same - fast cat crosses their path again. At this point, Randy believes that the black cat has circled them so they can't go anywhere. They're going to have to sit and wait out the bad mojo, about three hours. Or until a white cat circles them backwards, whichever comes first.

So the boys sit patiently in the parking lot counting down the hours. Finally, Earl says time's up. Randy takes the watch and counts down slowly, "Ten, nine, eight, seven, si -- " And there's that damn cat again.

Earl's voiceover informs us that if a black cat crosses your path once, it's bad luck. If a black cat crosses your path twice, that's really bad luck. And if a black cat crosses your path three times, well, that's Karma trying to tell you something. In this case, Karma is telling Earl to cross off # 56 â€“ Larceny of a Kitty Cat.

Flashback to the 2003 Camden County Cat Show. Some of the competitors are putting the finishing touches to their beloved pets, and some pets even resemble their owners, especially Willie the One-Eyed Mailman's one-eyed (eyepatch? yes, pith helmet? no) cat. (Maybe someday we'll find out if Joy blinded this cat with a bowling ball like she did its owner.) Randy and Earl are there grudgingly, and Randy tells Earl that he's allergic to cats, or at least " -- to whatever God makes 'em out of."

Then we meet Judy (played by Amy Sedaris from Strangers With Candy). She's wearing a cat's ears headband and is flossing (mint flavored?) her precious Sebastian's teeth. Sebastian is the favorite to win first place, and Judy would like him to smile as if thinking of " -- tuna or a really slow mouse."

Earl is planning to kidnap poor Sebastian. Why? Joy. And I don't mean utter bliss. Earl and Joy are still married (we are in a flashback, remember?), and Joy, being a big fan of Tonya Harding, wants Earl to "Nancy Kerrigan" little Sebastian. Cut to Earl holding Sebastian's little foreleg in a nutcracker. Randy's holding the cat, but he's in agony. His hands are burning (apparently God makes 'em out of molten lava), the cat is drooling sulfuric acid, and the beast is " -- humming that weird 'I like you' sound." Unable to find the feline's knees (do cats have knees?), Earl looks into Sebastian's eyes and says that they must be prettier than Nancy Kerrigan's eyes because he just can't do the deed. Earl's got to ditch the cat, so he takes it to the Sleeping Cat Lady's house, sneaks in through the over-sized cat door, and deposits the cat, unseen by human eyes.

Meanwhile, back at the Cat Show, Joy's cat is being judged. The judge is looking at the cat's butt, and Joy assures him as only Joy can that the cat's pooper works just fine. Healthy teeth, nice coat -- Lipstick? Yup, Joy proudly tells the judge, Lipsmacker just like mine. And are those colored contact lenses? You betcha, says Joy. And it wasn't easy getting them in there, she tells the judge. He was particularly jumpy after she waxed his eyebrows. (At least it wasn't a Brazilian wax.)

Code C, shouts the judge. Joy's cat is rescued and shuffled off to Kitty Foster Care. (Dodge and Earl Jr. should be so lucky.) Joy just wants to get the contact lenses back so she can return them to her neighbor LaTeesha before date night.

Flash forward to present day 2006 (this is a rerun after all), and Earl is sneaking back in to the SCL's house to reclaim Sebastian. It's pretty much the same, he says, only the smell is three years worse. Earl wants to bust out Sebastian, but to him all cats look the same. (I have much the same affliction.) So it's time to fess up to Judy, beg her forgiveness, and let her reclaim her own fetid beast.

So Earl and Randy go to Judy's house. They're kind of hoping that in the intervening three years she's gotten over his disappearance. Judging by her "Have You Seen Me?" shirt (picture of Sebastian), she hasn't. Earl (modeling an Iron Maiden t-shirt sans flannel) explains the sitch. He tells Judy that at least the cat's not lost since they know where to find it. Judy sees the logic in this. Randy is a bit preoccupied by the "dents" in Judy's face.

Back to the SCL's house and the cat door and Earl crawling through it. He opens the people door for Randy and Judy. Judy enters anxiously, and Earl is surprised that Randy comes in too. Randy is extremely allergic to cats, but he's smitten with Judy, a severe case of, dare I say it, puppy love. Judy finds her cat. He's put on a few pounds and she needs a block and tackle to hoist him into the cat cage.

Earl's VO tells us that are only two things that Randy does that frighten him. One is that he stops breathing when he sleeps. And two is when he becomes someone he isn't because he likes a girl. (Who doesn't?)

Flashback to Randy's girlfriends: There was the artsy girl (" -- who smoked cloves and ate bone marrow -- "), the Hasidic Jewess, and Camden County's only Black Power chick. They all liked Randy just fine, Earl says, until he stopped being someone he wasn't and became Randy again. Randy blew it with the artsy girl when he peed in the art show urinal. (Good thing it wasn't a commode.) He blew it with the black power chick when he asked her if she thought Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream involved aliens. And he blew it with the JP when he complained about getting his foreskin caught in his zipper (shades of Something About Mary. BTW â€“ absolutely loved Randy in the hat and dreads).

As unfortunate as all of these relationships were, they had one more thing in common: after each breakup, Randy consoled himself with Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time on his boombox. On the couch, on the car, in the Crabshack, at the bus stop in the rain, in bed with Earl and Joy (until Joy gave him the boot).

Cut to Randy gazing longingly at Judy. Earl's VO says that this relationship is doomed because Randy hates cats. "I love cats," says Randy to Judy.

Judy's packing a picnic basket. Randy's packing Sebastian in his baby carrier. He's a bit red and splotchy and itchy (Randy, not Sebastian) but love overcomes all. And off they go. "This is gonna end badly," says Earl's VO.

Earl's at the Crabshack discussing the situation with Darnell. Darnell asks Earl if he's talked to Randy about this situation with Randy and Judy and cats. Earl tells Crabman that he can't talk to Randy about personal stuff because every time he does, Randy " -- gets all edgy and turns everything back on you." Joy scoots up and tells Earl to buy her some chicken wings. And a pitcher of margaritas. Tip Darnell good, she says, because we're saving up for braces for the kids. Or a trampoline. Yeah, I can see that.

Randy comes in the Crabshack. He's wearing a lovely "I'm Purrr-fect" red sweater. It's kind of hard to tell where the sweater stops and his skin starts because his skin is all red and angry-looking. "My tongue," Randy says, "feels like when I ate that pink cotton candy stuff in the attic." He's scratching at his face and neck and even backs up against a post to scratch like a bear in the woods. (Kind of reminded me of when he got shot out of the tree in the "Cops" episode. Very ursine is our Randy.) Darnell tells Randy to try some allergy medicine, and Randy tells him that he tried the meds but they made him thirsty.

Flashback to Randy drinking a cup of water. Then he's downing the better part of a five-gallon jug of water to the strains of Roger Miller's Chug-a-Lug.

Back at the Crabshack, Earl tells Randy that he wants to discuss something personal. Randy says Okay Jerk-head. Earl tries again only to be told by Randy that his mustache is too big for his face. Another attempt by Earl is rebuffed by Randy's "...Mr. Left Eye Is Lower Than The Right One -- " Earl quotes a few choice lines from Time After Time as Randy exits in a fur-ball-sized huff.

Cut to Randy and Judy canoodling on Judy's couch. They're wearing matching 'I love cats' shirts from Lillian Vernon or some place like that. Randy is looking somewhat mottled and uncomfortable as he has a big fluffy pillow on his lap with a big fluffy cat perched on top. Judy is planning a trip for the three of them to Grand Canyon when Randy throws in the towel like Roberto Duran. No mas, no mas, he says. (Actually he says, "I hate cats." But mine was better.) He hands over the cat-sized pillow, or maybe it was the pillow-sized cat, and gets up to leave and head over to the Cyndi Lauper store. But Judy stops him. She'll get rid of Sebastian, she says. They hug, and Randy smirks at Sebastian and says, "I win."

Cut to Earl entering the Crabshack with his arms full of Sebastian. He doesn't know what to do with the cat so in the meantime it's two cold ones please, and put one of them in a bowl. He's tried to get rid of the animal, but " -- nobody wants a chubby cat that wheezes after he takes a dook." (Who doesn't?) Joy, ever the animal lover, tells Earl that she " -- don't want no damn cat." I knew I liked her.

Darnell tells Earl to put Sebastian on his list. Earl says that he doesn't put animals on his list. But Darnell, looking into Sebastian's eyes, insists, saying that Sebastian used to be a champion, just like Carl Lewis. And just like Carl Lewis, Sebastian has gone to seed. Joy offers Earl five dollars if Earl will kiss Sebastian on the lips. (Do cats have lips?) Earl looks into Sebastian's eyes and sees a tuna-breathed crotch-licking sad furry little Carl Lewis staring back at him. (Okay, I admit it. That fat cat did have nice eyes.)

Cut to Earl and Sebastian in the bathroom. Earl's depositing the cat on the scale and tapping the glass. That cat must be Homer Simpson because the scale's dial goes round and round and round -- Actually, it stops somewhere in the vicinity of thirty-five pounds. I'm guessing that's a lot for a cat. So it's Deal-a-Meal time for ol' Sebastian Phillips Duchamp.

Cut to Judy's house, and Randy and Judy are canoodling on her couch. Judy suggests that Randy might be more comfortable if he removed his shoes. Randy says he'd rather not because his feet have been known to stunt the growth of wildebeest. She tells him it's okay, and he removes his shoes. One little piggy â€“ the one that went to market â€“ sticks out through a hole in Randy's sock and gets a nice little bit of screen time. Cyndi Lauper's True Colors sums it all up.

Earl and Sebastian are watching what looked like a Richard Simmons workout session, and Earl is working that cat hard. If cats could sweat, Sebastian would be the headwaters of the Mighty Mississip'.

Cut to Randy napping. He's got a respectable puddle of nap drool, and Judy lovingly wipes it up.

Earl's massaging the cat using the time-honored karate chop maneuver. The cat digs it big-time.

Randy's scoring some breakfast â€“ corn chips with milk. Mmmmm -- crunchy even in milk. He flings the empty bag aside to Judy's great bemusement.

Earl's holding up a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste and showing Sebastian how to smile. (Do cats have lips?) Be sure to floss after every mouse. Or dook.

Judy and Randy are in bed. Well, sort of. She's reclining and knitting, and Randy's jumping up and down on the bed like one of the Five Little Monkeys.

The time has come for all of Earl's and Sebastian's hard work to pay off. The 2006 Camden County Cat Show is in town. Earl has selected two ties (he owns more than two?), and let Sebastian choose which he should wear. (I think Sebastian chose well. Barney Miller would be proud.) We know it's going to be a good time, and the banner on the wall tells it true, "It's Going to be Meow-t of This World!"

It's Go Time for Earl and Sebastian. Earl shows off his mad skills by navigating the obstacle course. He's pretty proud of himself until the judge tells him that the course is for the cat. I think he was still a little bit proud. Randy and Judy are watching the festivities from the front row. Judy has a two week anniversary present for Randy. It's a nice little necklace with a metal I.D. tag with Randy's name and address (Palms Motel, Room 213) on it. She licks her fingers and presses down Randy's cowlick.

Cue flashback montage of Judy spraying Randy's feet (and saving a wildebeest or two), Randy napping on a comfy chair with his name embroidered on it, Judy using a newspaper to shoo Randy off the counter, and Judy tossing a ball of yarn for Randy to chase, which he does eagerly. Back at the cat show and Judy sees a friend across the way. She grabs Randy's tie and leads him as if he's on a leash. At this point (which we all knew was coming sooner rather than later), Randy has had enough of being treated like he's a cat. "I am not a cat," he tells Judy and leaves all sad-like. Judy catches up to Randy outside and after a moment realizes that she has indeed been treating him as if he were a cat. "I am who I am," she tells Randy. "I'm a cat lady." Camden County seems to have more than its fair share of cat ladies.

Randy tells Judy that he wishes he had three wishes, one of which he would spend on wishing he wasn't allergic to cats so he could be with her. The second wish would be that he could fly, and the third would be world peace. (At least he has his priorities straight.) Of course, using up that first wish on the non-cat-allergy would take the place of Candy Randy Ice Cream (Rocky Road with Red Hots), but that's okay by him.

Randy asks Judy if he can keep the collar...ummm -- I mean necklace as he would like something to remember her by. She'll have something to remember him by when she gets home, Randy tells her, when she finds the lamp that he broke. They break up sadder but wiser and better for having loved and lost than never having loved at all.

Earl finds them and he's a bit upset. Sebastian came in second, losing to a Persian. "Yeah, like your cat's better cuz it comes from France -- " Earl grouses. (That's moving an entire country a few thousand years and a few thousand miles, but then again History and Geography aren't really Earl's better subjects.) But hope springs eternal and there's another cat show in Hendersonville next week. Surely Sebastian will lick -- I mean kick butt then. Judy takes Sebastian from Earl's arms. She'll finish what he started, and we can safely assume that Earl crosses off # 56. Randy tells Earl that Judy really liked him. He knows because when he laughed really hard and ripped one (who doesn't?), she did the same. Now that's love, baby. Randy just wants one woman to love. One who hates cats, birds, dill pickles, and Wednesdays. (We don't yet know how Catalina feels about Hump Day.)

Nighttime and Earl and Randy are sleeping. Paul the Sleepwalker comes in, turns on the TV, and plops on the bed. Randy tells Earl that they have a guest, and Earl says it's okay he lives below us. Randy's happy because he's not a-scared of the guy anymore now that he knows the guy's not a ghost. Should we wake him? It might kill him, says Randy. Earl says no, that's only if you scare him awake. If you ease him awake he should be just fine. Randy tries and tries and tries to wake Paul to no avail. He finally gives up and settles in for a long winter's nap. FTB.


Web	TV Fodder