Welcome to Filmfodder's very first My Name Is Earl blog. I will try to capture as much Earl and Randy and the gang as I can to keep you up to date on all the goings-on in Camden County (state unknown). I'll throw in some (very brief) backstory from prior episodes to keep the storylines going. On the way I'll try to weave in a bit of commentary and some behind-the-scenes inside stuff. If I've overlooked something or missed a crucial plot point please feel free to comment. I'd like to make this site the must-read blog for all Earl-ophiles. So let's get started!
The episode opens with Earl and Randy packing to head south (Catalina's country of origin is never specified) rescue Catalina to the strains of the Eagles' Hotel California. They are stuffing their clothes into Hefty bags. Earl has added another item to his list, "Got Catalina Kicked out of America". Randy is very sad. Given the choice between Catalina getting robbed, murdered, or going on a date, Randy chooses robbed.
Meanwhile, Catalina is cleaning a hotel room while two hoodlums who bear an uncanny resemblance to Earl and Randy are consulting a list of their own. They are making plans to steal a donkey from a one-legged girl. This, oddly enough, is more than a little reminiscent of Earl's having stolen a car from a one-legged girl.
Earl and Randy go to visit Joy and Darnell because Joy took Earl's suitcase and never returned it. Joy is in an extremely cheerful mood, which puts Earl on his guard immediately. In particularly un-Joy-like fashion, she is making pink lemonade and a gingerbread house for Randy to " -- nibble on the roof -- " Randy sniffs the house and declines.
Darnell informs Earl and Randy that Joy's doctor has prescribed medication to help her with her anger issues. We find out from Earl that Joy has a ten minute limit on sex and tends to get violent if things go beyond her time limit (" -- she punched me in my junk -- "). Darnell agrees with Earl's clock-watching ways and says that he usually gets behind her after nine minutes.
Earl and Randy are at the airport buying their plane tickets. They are ready to go whenever it's convenient for the pilot. The ticket agent asks, "Passports?" Earl replies that he played a little in high school... No, the ticket agent says. She needs to see their passports so they can leave and return to America. Earl and Randy do not have passports. No passports, no tickets. So it's off to get passports. At the passport office we listen to Jet by Wings. Of course, Earl is unable to keep his eyes open for the passport photo (a la Forrest Gump). Randy, inspired by his love for Catalina, comes up with the solution. He cuts the eyes out of the poster of Santa Claus and sticks them on Earl's face. Problem solved.
Back in Catalina's village (aka Bizarro World), Senores Earl-io y Randalfo have kidnapped an old woman and tied her to a chair. Earl-io says that he is going to make her smoke cigarettes until she dies. This mirrors Ep 1.2 when Earl kidnapped his friend Donny's mother to make her quit smoking. Catalina sees this and says that this is the cruelest most unjustified kidnapping she's ever witnessed. How many kidnappings has she seen, Senor Earl-io asks? Six or seven, she says.
Back at the airport, Earl and Randy are in line for the metal detector. Randy asks why people are taking off their shoes. He is informed that that is in case they have explosives in them. Randy takes off his shoes and throws them and ducks in case they explode. They do not. He is quickly escorted to the front of the line. He tells Earl to throw his shoes too.
Eventually they get on the plane. While the flight attendant (aka "usher") is giving the pre-flight emergency warnings, Earl's nervousness gets the better of him and he decides to find another way to get to their destination. A thirteen-day bus trip and then a five day donkey ride should do it. ("Donkeys can swim, right?")
So it's back to the Crabshack. Randy is very angry. He taunts Earl by saying, "Someone's afraid to fly. Someone who's name rhymes with 'girl'. As in sissy-girl. Someone who wears flannel shirts. Do you still need more hints? Cuz it's Earl." Darnell is preoccupied. He is worried about Joy saying that her pills, " -- make her like Finland -- "
Joy and Darnell have new neighbors. New neighbors who have moved their trailer very close next door. So close in fact that at one point Joy hands wipes through the window to her neighbor who's perched on the hopper.
Back at the Crabshack, Randy suggests that Earl go to the doctor and get some pills like Joy's. The doctor agrees to prescribe a sedative, and he recommends that Earl get inoculated for his trip. Earl refuses â€“ he does not like needles. So â€“ once again Randy to the rescue â€“ Randy throws the list on the floor tricking Earl into bending over at which point Randy jabs the needle into Earl's butt. Earl is much calmer now. Back on the plane, Earl falls asleep. Time passes. Earl wakes up feeling great. Randy tells Earl that he's been asleep for hours. Earl is happy â€“ he slept through the entire flight. Randy tells him that they never took off, something about mechanical difficulties. This convinces Earl once again that flying is best left to non-Earls. He tries to get off the plane, but the flight attendants have other ideas. They wrassle in the aisle, one of them shouting, "Get the straps! We've got a biter!"
Back at the trailer park, the new neighbors are practically in Joy and Darnell's pockets. The neighbor's phone rings and they let their answering machine pick it up. Darnell asks Joy, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" Joy picks up the neighbor's phone and talks to the neighbor's grandmother with a drug-induced definitely not-Joy-like smile on her face. Darnell wants old Joy back.
Having completed the airplane portion of their adventure, Randy and Earl are about to board the bus for the five hour bus ride to Catalina's village when Earl sees a taco stand. Since he was tied and gagged on the plane and Randy ate his food, Earl is very hungry. Randy insists they get on the bus now. Earl wants tacos â€“ they look like little beef smiles. They fight. Randy whacks Earl with a wooden box. Earl gives Randy the King of All Wedgies. Randy wins by pulling Earl onto the bus by his mustache (" -- not the 'stache, not the 'stache -- ").
On the bus, Earl and Randy are talking about how Earl let Randy down, how they almost missed the bus, and how Randy needs to rescue Catalina so she'll finally notice him as she is " -- the love of his life -- " Earl says, "Yeah, like you would ever have a chance with her." This hurts Randy to his very soul. Randy sits away from Earl. Earl knows that he has crossed the line. Earl is sitting next to a little girl. She holds up a churro. Earl looks at it and says thanks, he'd love to. Taking a bite of the deep-fried morsel, he says, "Hey that's pretty good. It looks like a Slim Jim and tastes like a donut. That's brilliant. I can't believe you people are so poor." Turns out the girl was not offering him a bite she was just showing it off. Earl is NOT bi-lingual.
The bus stops and some locals get on, one of them carrying a live chicken. Earl's VO informs us that Randy is deathly afraid of birds. We see a brief flashback where Randy laughs at a bird flying into a glass door, then seeing a bird, he turns and runs into the same glass door. But this time Randy is not afraid. It is then that Earl realizes that if Randy can face his fear of birds maybe he really is in love with Catalina. And if Randy can be brave, well doggonit so can he. As Earl stands up to tell Randy that he is sorry (and as the little girl tells him in Spanish that bandits are coming and not to stand up) men with guns enter the bus. At gunpoint they kidnap Earl pulling him off the bus by his mustache (" -- not the 'stache, not the 'stache -- ").
Pleading for mercy, Earl asks the desperadoes for a favor. After they kill him, would they please tell Randy that it was him, Earl, that ran over Crackers the cat. Then the head bad guy, Diego (John Leguizamo) pulls up in his Plymouth. He's dressed like Michael Jackson and he likes Earl's pants ("Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"). His satellite dish broke in the 80's.
The bus with Randy on it makes it to Catalina's village, El Rio de la Sangre (The River of the Blood). Randy sees a sandwich memorial with some flowers so he takes them. An elderly man and woman had built a shrine to their late son Manuel who died in a tragic scooter accident, and they are convinced that the first person to take the sandwich is the reincarnation of their dead son. On the spot they adopt Randy and want to take him home for the night. Randy asks if they know Catalina. They do. The man's eyes roll back up into his head wistfully (" -- first class ample bosom -- "). They will take him to her. Tomorrow.
Joy and Darnell are eating dinner in what looks like a snowstorm. It turns out that the snow is actually the lint from their neighbor's dryer. Darnell asks Joy if she's going to do something about it, and she replies, "Why? It's like being kissed by a thousand little bunnies." Darnell is miserable. Darnell had tried to befriend the neighbors by giving them lemon squares but he became very nervous when they questioned him about the treats. He is in the Witness Protection program and doesn't like to divulge too much.
Diego is now wearing Earl's jeans, and Earl explains that he is looking for his friend Catalina. Diego wants to know her last name. Earl doesn't know. He thinks it's something like Tortilla. (It's actually Aruca.) After explaining that Catalina is a dancer/bouncer, Diego of course knows who she is. (Note - Nepalese yak herders know who she is.) Turns out that Diego is her uncle and one of the gunnies is her little brother. They will take Earl to her after they run one little errand. Turns out the errand is shooting up the local hosteria. But they had the wrong address so Diego will send a spiral-cut ham to make up for it. Earl takes this opportunity to explain the list to Diego. Diego thinks it is a great idea â€“ he will make a list of his very own.
Randy is at the dinner table with his new adoptive parents. He has eaten flan. He did not like it one little bit if gacking it out is any indication. His new parents tell him that he knows what's next -- TICKLE FIESTA! They tickle him until he wets himself and the dirt floor of their cozy hacienda.
Earl and Diego and Co. have an insightful moonlit discussion about Alf and whether or not Alf was a monkey. "He couldn't have been a monkey -- Alf ate cats." One of them responds, "Monkeys eat cats. My monkey ate a cat."
Randy is in bed pretending to talk to Earl. He is sad and lonely and wants to be reincarnated as a peanut butter and bologna sandwich so that Earl can eat him.
Joy and Darnell are in bed. The neighbor's motion detector floodlight keeps lighting up every time Darnell stirs. Joy is of course sleeping soundly. Darnell misses the old Joy so very much.
Earl and Diego finally make it to Catalina's village. Earl is worried that he villagers will fear him since he is sans pants. But it is Diego they fear more. Earl asks for his pants back. There's money in the pocket and he's still Jonesing for tacos. Diego, with Karma as his co-pilot, gives Earl his pants. Then Earl sees Randy â€“ he's getting his portrait painted with his new mom and dad. They're going to go get Catalina, but Randy says that he cannot have Catalina see him the way he is dressed (he's dressed like Elvis on velvet and his sombrero is like five sizes too small). So Earl takes Randy's place in the portrait so Randy can change his clothes. The portrait is soon finished and of course Earl's eyes are closed.
Earl then finds Catalina and she is very excited to see him, and she tells him yes of course she will marry him. This is news to Earl, but Diego explained it to Catalina so there may have been a mix-up in the translation somewhere. Catalina tells Earl he is her hero. She bounces magnificently. Randy catches enough of the conversation to know that he is once again getting scraped off of Karma's boots.
It is at this point when narrator Earl tells us that this is his third unplanned wedding (Joy was the first one, Ralph's mom in Van Hickey was the second). He goes looking for Randy to try to explain. He finds Randy in the company of a guitar-playing Mexicano singing â€“ in Spanish â€“ Cindy Lauper's Time After Time.
Darnell is at his wit's end. He is the very picture of surrender when a cupcake comes flying through the window and lands in his bowl. Joy merely smiles. But then a beer can follows the cupcake and bonks Earl Jr. in his 'fro. Mount Joy-suvius is finally about to erupt. Through her drug-induced pleasantry, she strolls into the neighbor's trailer and tells them that she is 100% Bitch and has a t-shirt to prove it and that she got it on Mother's Day. She suggests that in three day's time â€“ when she comes back from Sugarplum Fairyland â€“ they are in for a royal Christmas ass-kickin'. So it would be in the best interest of their health if they were to be some distance away. The neighbors see the sense in this. They are obviously smarter than they look.
Back in Catalina's village, Diego is explaining the Green Card Wedding. The bride is carried to the wedding on a chair to honor her, and then she is unceremoniously flung off to remind her not to get too full of herself.
The groom must face three tests. Test number one involves walking a beam suspended over a pond of leaches. Earl makes a deal with Randy â€“ he will fail on purpose so Randy can be the hero and the groom. Earl falls into the pit. He has leaches on his face (" -- not the 'stache, not the 'stache -- "). Diego suggests that maybe two out of three won't be so bad. Test number two involves walking across hot coals. Again, Earl does his best to fail and he succeeds burning off parts of him he didn't know he had. Then comes test number three â€“ The Field of Rakes! Blindfolded, Earl proves the old joke, "What did the farmer get when he stepped on a rake? A couple of acres." As Earl proves his unworthiness to marry Catalina, Randy steps up. He practically dances across the beam like Mary Lou Retton, cartwheels over the hot coals, and steps on more rakes then there are at Farm and Fleet. All is well in Randy World. Randy and Catalina are married, and she is unceremoniously flung off her matrimonial chair.
The episode ends with Earl, Randy, and Catalina on the plane home. Earl is gooped up on gop, Catalina is sleeping on Randy's shoulder, and Randy is positively beaming with delight.
Diego finds his compadres pants-less (and in the case of Catalina's brother tongue-less) and tied to a fence. Diego's competition heard that Diego has gone soft and is now coming after him. Diego raises his pistolas in the air, fires them, and yells (a la Red Dawn), "Wolverines!"
- written by randy welk