My Name is Earl Fodder

Nadine Velazquez Named Hottest Woman Ever

EDITOR'S NOTE - My Name Is Earl is off this week to make room for a one-hour The Office holiday special. To help alleviate the pain and the loneliness, Filmfodder would like to present this little tribute to our favorite illegal alien housekeeper. We hope you enjoy it. Filmfodder's MNIE episode re-cap will return next week with (a repeat of), "White Lie Christmas."

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Nadine Velazquez Named Hottest Woman Ever

By Randy Welk

Nadine Velazquez, who plays illegal immigrant/housekeeper Catalina Aruca on the popular NBC comedy My Name Is Earl, has been named the Hottest Woman Ever by a group calling themselves the Nadine Velazquez Is The Hottest Woman Ever club.

The group's spokesman, Geoffrey ("Douchebag") Kazmer, told Filmfodder that his group started with a list of 100's of attractive female stars, or, as they like to call them "Scorchers", and winnowed the list down to the top five with Ms. Velazquez taking top honors.

When asked about their selection criteria, Kazmer said, "We spent a lot of hours looking at a lot of women. We lost a lot of sleep over this. At least I know I did because I'm a belly-sleeper. Film, TV, the Internet -- There's just so many good-looking women out there. We wanted to look at as many women as possible from as many races and nationalities as possible, even, you know, like from the Middle East and England, places like that. So we certainly don't want anyone to think that we didn't put a truly massive and sincere effort into our selection process.

"I mean, Spazz (Dean Dalrymple, club vice-president) 's sister is pretty cute, and she's a cheerleader and everything, but we didn't include her because she's not a celebrity. But don't tell her that I said that."

Rounding out the top five were Earl co-star Jaime Pressly, actress/model Rebecca Romijn, former Miss U.S.A./gameshow hostess Shandi Finnessey, and tied for fifth were actresses Vanessa Marcil and Eva Longoria.

"We figure it's just pretty much a coincidence that our favorite TV show has two of the top five," said Kazmer.

A tie for fifth?

"We didn't want to ruin our chances with either of them because they're both, well, you know, pretty hot," added Dalrymple.

Chances? Did you know Nadine's married, Eva's engaged, and Jaime's pregnant and engaged?

"Hmmm -- well, we didn't know that. Really?" asked Dalrymple. "Well, I guess that's okay."

"There were some," continued Kazmer, brushing aside a stubborn forelock, "that we just didn't know their names. Like the girl in the Yellow Book commercial. We looked all over the Internet and stuff. I mean -- we watched that commercial must've been a thousand times. We just couldn't find her name anywhere, so she was out. I mean, we couldn't give out an award with 'Your Name Here' on it.

"We also took into account their body. Of work, I mean. Their body of work. We wanted to make sure that we named our club after somebody who truly deserved this honor. And not just somebody with nice hair and teeth and stuff."

Chicago-born Puerto Rican actress Velazquez has had numerous television appearances and has appeared in movies such as Biker Boyz, Blast, and House of the Dead 2, and in the upcoming films A Day in the Life and Rogue. She was named one of USA Today's Five Rising Stars To Watch Closely, listed in Daily Variety's Ten Actors To Watch 2005, and featured in Entertainment Weekly's "Must List".

Describing their club, Dalrymple said, "Yeah, sure, there's only three of us who are official members of the club. But we also talked to our dads and older brothers. And all the guys in gym class. Because, I don't know if you noticed this or not, but you kind of get the same feeling talking about this stuff as you do when you climb the rope in gym class. And D-bag's friend Dakota, even though she's got short hair and likes to wear camo pants and army boots and flannel, she had some good ones."

"We left out actresses who make, you know, dirty movies, because Puke (Matt Madsen, club Treasurer) 's mom caught him, uh, doing some judging, and he's still pretty shaken up about it. And we didn't just want to look at blondes. You know, like Tiger Woods' wife Elin. She's pretty darn cute for a Swedish bikini model, but we already had a couple of blondes and we wanted to make our selections as wide-ranging as possible."

The club met regularly for over six months in their high school's cafeteria and in the treehouse in Kazmer's backyard.

High school? Tree house? How old are you guys?

"Let's just say that we're old enough to know better but too young to resist," said Madsen wryly.

Notable nominees included Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Scarlet Johanssen, and Halle Berry.

"Yeah, we did notice we have a lot of Jessica's. We don't know what's up with that. We even had Jessica Rabbit in there for a while but she's a rabbit. And she's a cartoon. We had to draw the line somewhere," said Kazmer.

Any others on the list?

"Grace Kelly, yeah, she was D-bag's nominee," said Madsen, pushing up his glasses. "She's kind of dead now, but she made a lot of really cool movies like a really long time ago. Have you ever seen her in To Catch a Thief? Hubba hubba la boomski!"

Notable exceptions include Pam Anderson and Angelina Jolie (" -- a little too freaky -- "), Paris Hilton ("Are you serious?"), Catherine Zeta-Jones ("She married that old dude."), Denise Richards, Heather Locklear, and Lindsay Lohan ("Too high maintenance."), and Julia Roberts ("That wasn't her in the tub, man.").

When asked why their final list of nominees did not include more fan-favorite models from the pages of men's magazines such as Playboy, Maxim, or Stuff, Kazmer stated, "My mom cleans my room. And if she found any of those mags I'd be grounded til I graduate. Maybe even longer."

When informed that several of their honorees had appeared in pictorials, Kazmer winked and said, "Yeah, we know. Don't tell my mom."

When asked if this honor would be accorded annually, Kazmer responded, "Well, probably. Of course, then we'd have to change the name of the club. I mean, we like to look at girls. Puke's even got a telescope set up in his bedroom -- um -- so, yeah, we'll probably do this again next year. Unless we, you know, start dating or something.We really don't have much else to do other than like play Magic the Gathering or Halo. We can't even drive yet."

Will there be an awards ceremony?

According to Kazmer, "We haven't been able to get ahold of her. She's probably pretty busy working. We'd like to think she'd be truly honored. I mean, we think this is pretty prestigious. We got a trophy and everything. I engraved it in Shop class. Spazz even Photoshopped an official proclamation."

Ms. Velazquez could not be reached for comment.

Posted by Randy on December 14, 2006 12:49 PM
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