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Bionic Woman Fodder

Bionic Woman: Paradise Lost

Here lies Will Anthros. Dedicated Bio-Ethics Professor. Accomplished Surgeon. Member of ultra-shady bionic soldier program. May he rest in peace. That’s basically the gist of how “Bionic Woman” began last night, with Jaime attending her boyfriend’s funeral. It seems bad girl Sarah Corvis succeeded in offing poor Will last week with a sniper bullet.

As Jaime leaves the service, clutching her sister Becca, Jonas Bledsoe appears, trying to recruit her once again. She tells him off, explaining she’d rather go back to her life and forget any of this ever happened. I guess we’ll just have to change the name of the show to Bionic Bartender, unless she somehow changes her mind…..

Later on, as she walks through Will’s apartment trying to face the reality that he isn’t coming back, she steps on a creaking floorboard. As she pulls the board away, she discovers a thick file labeled ‘Classified Material.’ To her surprise, the folder is all about her: old IQ tests, pictures of her, information from years before she even met Will. Seems like the dearly departed may have been a super stalker.

Clearly unable to handle the fact that Will was, for some reason, keeping tabs on her, Jaime pulls up a stool at the local bar and seeks solace at the bottom of a shot glass. In the background, a news report mentions the quarantine of a little town called Paradise, Idaho (an event that becomes much more important later on). As she drunkenly declares that she’s done with wasting time on long-term relationships and looking for “Mr. Right Now,” she eyes a guy who just walked up to the bar. Before you know it, she and Mr. Right Now are making out in the bathroom. Unfortunately, not realizing her own strength, she pushes the guy so hard he breaks a rib. Surprisingly, this doesn’t faze Boozing Bionic Woman.

In a flash, the bathroom door opens and Bledsoe walks in, wanting to know what she thinks she’s doing, and who this guy is. Mr. Right Now, as we soon learn, is named Steve and he is very grateful for the interruption, because he just wants to go to the hospital. As Steve scampers away grabbing his side, Bledsoe and Jaime start arguing…again. He wants her to work for him, not only because he technically owns most of her limbs and parts of her head, but because she could be doing so much more than working in a bar. Jaime wants to know who the heck they are. Jonas responds: “We are a private, clandestine group dedicated to stopping rogue organizations from ending civilization as we know it.” His next question: are you in or out? Jaime smirks and says she’s most definitely out. But hey, you gotta give the man credit, at least he’s honest.

The next day, Jaime wakes to a call from Becca’s school. The principal wants to chat with her about Becca’s extracurricular activities, namely little sis’s pot-smoking session in the girls bathroom. The principal wants to either expel her or bar her from the talent show, but Bionic Sis saves the day and spares Becca from both punishments. The touching moment is short lived as the two sisters start fighting again, ending with both angrily agreeing that baby sis should go live with their dad.

Back at Wolf Creek, Ruth and Bledsoe are staring intently at security camera footage from Paradise, Idaho. The images show several dead bodies on the ground. They all seem to have dropped right where they were. Ruth is absolutely sure it’s a biological attack and wants permission to enter the town. Bledsoe is a little more hesitant, worried about stepping on the Army’s toes. If only he commanded a shadowy group of ultra-secret cybernetic ninja soldiers…wait a minute, he does!

In the meantime, Jaime is busy reevaluating her life. Her self-esteem has nose-dived ever since she quit college to care for her sister. She’s also more than a little jealous and distracted when she learns one of her close friends just got into Columbia Law. So she travels to the local bookstore to read ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?’ Amazingly, this is the same bookstore where Dr. Burke from “Grey’s Anatomy” likes to shop and walk his dog Scraps. Actually the guy’s name is Antonio, played by former “Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington, and he gives her a little pep talk. Thank goodness for the kindness of strangers.

With a shot of self-esteem in one hand and her Parachute book in the other, Jaime leaves the store to discover her true path. It’s not long, though, before her bionic ear tunes in to a woman sobbing. With her telescopic eye, she spots a suicidal woman about to jump from a nearby ledge. In a flash, Jaime grabs the woman with her bionic arm and pulls her to safety. When the woman asks her how she did it, she answers: “Pilates.”

Like all good heroes, Jaime quickly learns that with great power comes great responsibility. She makes a social call to Wolf Creek (which I’m sure is very easy to locate on Google Maps) and tells Head Honcho Bledsoe she’s in. But she has a few ground rules: 1) She has to be home every night by 7 to have dinner with sis, 2) she doesn’t work weekends and 3) she wants him to hook Becca up with their Blue Cross/Cyber-Ninja Assassin Health Care program. Bledsoe agrees and tells her to meet her new associate. She turns around and, surprise, it’s Isaiah Washington!

Turns out Antonio was just testing Jaime, trying to figure out if she had been compromised. Even though she has a lot of questions, he tells her there will be time for that later. Soon enough, Jae begins her training, first by reenacting her recent brawl with Sarah Corvis. His first lesson, though, is that she is not invincible and will need to become more than just the machine if she intends to survive.

In a scene that just begged for that “Eye of the Tiger” song, Jaime and Jae are soon hard at work. She’s busy doing bionic pull-ups and cheetah runs, while Jae tests her agility and stamina. We soon learn some cool facts about Jaime’s new abilities: she can run 60 mph, she can shatter bricks, she can bend steel with her grip, she has 2,000/20 vision and can hear up to 2 miles away. But what Jaime really wants to know from Jae is whether he was in love with Sarah Corvis. He expertly dodges the question. Do I sense some future problems for Jae when he finally meets up with his former cyber-girlfriend?

With the scene rapidly deteriorating in Paradise, Idaho, Ruth is pleading with Bledsoe to let her investigate. She’s worried the attack was merely a test-run and needs to check it out. Jaime bionically eavesdrops and volunteers to go with her. And even though Ruth disapproves, Jonas thinks this could be a great test-run of Jaime’s abilities.

So, the dynamic duo of Ruth and Jaime are off to Paradise to find out what went wrong. Posing as a member of the Department of Agriculture, Ruth gets them inside the town barriers and soon they’re staring at a dead body. Ruth immediately recognizes the biohazard; it’s an airborne toxin called DMC-30 that dissipates within 12 hours. How does she know all that you ask? Oh, because her group developed it.

Over at the Bat Cave, um, I mean Wolf Creek, Jae strolls into his office to find a yellow rose and a note on his desk. The note reads: “Couples Counseling? You Know Where to Find Me.” Could this be a note from his long lost love? Turns out, he knows exactly where to go and suddenly he’s at the Yellow Rose Hotel. Inside he’s shocked to find his former love staring at him. “You’re not going to kill me twice, are you?” she asks. Not surprisingly, he lowers his gun. Pretty soon the two are naked on the floor reminiscing about old times: he asks why she killed all those people, she thinks her body was hacked. If this is what they talk about while naked in front of a roaring fireplace, who knows what they used to talk about during staff meetings.

At that moment, Ruth and Jaime discover someone is still alive in Paradise. She’s a teenager named Vivian, and apparently she’s immune to the virus. She remembers something odd about last night- a gas truck driving in circles around town. But before they can figure out what happened, Jaime and Vivian are on the run from a group of men dressed as Army soldiers. Diving from a barrage of bullets, the two take refuge in a store until one of the bad guys finds them and starts brawling with Jaime. After taking a few hard punches, Jaime busts out her cyber-limbs and beats the guy unconscious.

Ruth soon shows up and lays a booby trap, which blows up a platoon of bad guys. And, like a knight in shining armor who just got kicked off his top-rated medical show, Antonio swoops in and saves the day, picking off all but one man in the commando unit.

Antonio decides to question the lone surviving bad guy to find out if this was indeed a test run and finds out Paradise was only a prelude to tonight, when 20 trucks are scheduled to release the gas across the country. He unleashes yet another strike team of ninjas who find the operation and shut it down.

Jaime has a little heart-to-heart with Jonas and seems both excited and scared, but is dedicated to staying with his little covert group. And with that, the day is saved and Jaime makes it to Becca’s talent show performance just in time. All in a day’s work for our Bionic Bartender.

What did everyone think of the episode? Do you really think Will is dead? (I don’t. He’s so coming back during sweeps week.) Do you think Jae is going to play both sides, or is he going to turn Sarah in? Post your comments below and I’ll see you all back here next week for some more cybernetically enhanced entertainment. –Chris Sardelli

Posted by Chris on October 5, 2007 2:20 AM
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Did everyone notice the Battlestar Galtica episode playing on the TV when the two heros walk into the house in Paradise?

-- Posted by: J at October 5, 2007 12:23 PM

As predicted last week, the numbers are starting to crumble for this show. No buzz.

-- Posted by: Billy-Ball at October 7, 2007 12:05 PM

I am not sure the boyfriend is actually dead. I hope he is, but we shall see.

-- Posted by: Margie at October 7, 2007 9:27 PM

Can't believe they killed that guy off so early in the show. Maybe he will be back better, stronger, faster...

Really liked this week's episode. The dialog still won't win any awards, but I am pretty addicted so far.

-- Posted by: Rachel at October 8, 2007 2:21 PM

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