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Hell's Kitchen: Barbie Lecter & the Silence of the Halibut

hells2.jpgThe fire's still blazing hot on Episode 2. We return where we left off, following Dominic's elimination, as the chefs retreat back to their dorms. Bobby babbles on about how he's got to take command and yadda yadda. But the biggest wanker turns out to be Jason. And I'm sure this is only the beginning. This guy is an enormous misogynist (and I mean that literally) with a massive ego. He has absolutely no respect for the opposite sex—but it will definitely lead to some fun drama, even as we watch on in disgust. And the women certainly won't tolerate any crap, as they plan to ban together. Of course, this means there will be some eyes clawed out along the way on the Red team as well.

The cheftestants finally catch some shut-eye and attempt to recharge for the next day's task…though not for very long. Shortly after 5:30 AM, they are all loudly and disruptively awakened and led downstairs to the parking lot. There, a futile Chef Gordon Ramsay instructs them to sort through the waste bins from last night's (or in our world, last week's) failure of a dinner service. We see loads of scallops, risotto, rubbery chickens, and even the remnants of Petrozza's pumpkin. Jen nearly vomits—though it's never specified whether it's from the stench or the sight of so many morning asscracks.

After they shower and change, they return to the kitchen. Chef Ramsay has a new challenge prepared for both teams: Slice perfect 6-ounce portions of halibut. In a scene we don't see nearly enough of, Chef proves to us exactly why he has the right to boss people around like he does. He's a masterful chef, with amazing cutlery skills. Just in case any of us viewers felt this was nothing but culinary soap opera, we were proven wrong!

After he slices a halibut open and divides the meat into numerous equal portions, it's time for each team to prove their worth by repeating the task. The guys work much faster, thanks to Petrozza's speed and Louross's cheering. The girls may be slower, but they're certainly much more efficient. Sharon spends most of her time carefully slicing, thus proving that although she's sluggish, she's not COMPLETELY incompetent. At least she's not so terrible that she should be fired (like a few lugs last year).

The girls' portions are counted first. It seems as if they did an impeccable job nearly impossible to surmount. Their final tally is 41. Could the men survive after such an amazing display of excellence? At first, the answer appears to be "hell, no". Chef is appalled at the number of gashed portions of halibut, saying they look like poor sushi. This inconsistency however holds up in the end—as for the first time ever on Hell's Kitchen, the challenge results in an exact tie!

Naturally, we must endure a tie-breaker. One female and one male must select a cut of their fish that weighs the closest to six ounces. Ben volunteers, since he's worked with fish before and feels confident. And why shouldn't he? He sets the bar high with a portion that weighs 5.9 ounces. Astounding! The Red team doesn't give up hope just yet, however. Rosann feels confident in Corey, because of her ability to select the proper measurements of the cuts.

Matt has this intense look of dread on his face, but appears more like a man who just returned from a colonic. Naturally, I am resisting the urge to chuckle. (Hey, I don't want to miss anything.) Corey selects her cut as Matt tries to contain his anal leakage. Unfortunately, her choice weighs a mere 4.8 ounces and the Blue team is declared to be the successors in this challenge.

Jen is furious, because the guys reward is the privilege of spending the entire day on a 100-foot yacht—with Chef Ramsay—while the ladies are forced to prepare all of tonight's dinner service. This, naturally, includes halibut, which I'm sure smells like the newest scent on the perfume counter. An irate Jen cheers herself and the rest of her team up by pounding her knife and causing fish meat to fly everywhere. The other ladies join suit. Matt complains that the smell counteracts with his cologne, thus negating each other and revealing that lingering smell of enema.

The gentlemen take their rolls-royces to the pier, where the yacht awaits. On board, they are served a meal of lobster and Jean-Phillippe carries over caviar for dessert. The men are in heaven, while the women remain in hell. Corey tries to direct Sharon ("aka Barbie," Jen reminds us), while a couple of the ladies have words for Corey. Christina attempts to defend her, reminding the ladies they're all a team.

Christina is fast emerging as the lady to beat. She's probably the most intelligent one of the group, as a matter of fact. She knows the measurements, contents, chemical composures, dinner menus, et cetera, and all at the top of her head. I guess still being in culinary school was beneficial to her. She's definitely my new favorite—proving that underneath her adorable exterior lies a fierce and brilliant chef. Corey, however, thinks she's just "a big brain of knowledge" that often lacks common sense. Jealous, are we? *Sniffs* I think I smell cat on the menu for the next episode.

Jason continues sporting his smug grin to the camera and reveals the depth of his dick attitude when he says "The women need a man in the kitchen. What are they having, a Tupperware party?" Hey, when you can finally cook a scallop properly, then you can let some air out of your butterball, okay?

Petrozza nearly quits the show when he can't recall the entire dinner menu. He feels frustrated, because he's never had to go by any menu but his own. Chef is not having it and sends him up to the dorms to get his act together. Petrozza says it's hard to remember, and Chef Ramsay tells him "I've got 3,000 dishes up here, eh?" as he points to his noggin. He returns downstairs and is still struggling. Chef rants "What is this, Comedy Central?!" (Almost!) And he is sent upstairs once again. Bobby rushes upstairs to snap him back into reality. Petrozza mutters "I'm done" at least two dozen times, but eventually is persuaded to give it just one more go. He returns and finally recalls everything. And with a renewed spirit, the Blue team gets back to work.

Chef decides that this time, one female and one male will become assistant maitre'ds to Jean-Phillippe. Rosann and Craig are the chosen ones and spend time with the head Frenchie getting pointers. Meanwhile, back in the Blue kitchen, Bobby is screwing up eggs but the men are still sending out appetizers, while in the Red kitchen, an appetizer has yet to be prepared. But eventually, Corey makes a risotto that Chef compliments highly. The women begin hitting their stride, just as the men finish serving all of their appetizers.

Things go downhill though when Jason cooks raw halibut. Aw, perhaps you should clean that up with your Tupperware containers, douche bag. He tries to defend himself and is silenced angrily by Ramsay. Craig further detriments the Blue team as he accidentally bonks a female restaurant patron on the head with a chair. Silly midget. Fortunately, thanks to his charm and the pleasant nature of the woman, things are easily smoothed over.

Meanwhile, the ladies are experiencing difficulties. Christina is getting frustrated and experiencing the wrath of Chef Gordon. But why? Because her food is expected to be served in conjunction with the food from Sharon's station. Although Christina's food is cooked and prepared on time or early, Sharon holds hers up and thus causes it to lose its texture and consistency. Ramsay mocks Sharon, who has a bizarre tendency to stick her tongue out and let it hang while she works. Chef calls her "a female Hannibal Lecter" and "a showgirl with a feather coming out of her ass", insisting she's scaring him. She doesn't stop. And I don't stop laughing, either.

Things are looking up when Petrozza, although a slow slicer, cooks fine lamb according to Chef. And entrees are leaving both kitchens. This comes crashing to a halt when Rosann admits she forgot a table. Despite getting blasted, I respect her for being honest and not attempting to hide her tremendous fault. Matt also nearly lights the place on fire, as Jason attempts to serve even more raw fish. Chef's had enough and shuts both kitchens down before service is completed for the second week in a row.

Chef tells them neither team won this week either, but the ladies were worse this time around (according to comment cards). Corey is declared the best of the worst, thanks to her fine risotto. Unfortunately, she should not be allowed to obtain power, as she morphs into a hideous alterego. The conniving wench, instead of rightfully nominating Sharon and Rosann (who is still one of the best females nonetheless), she plays it strategically. Her first nominee is Christina, whom she feels is condescending towards her and treats her like a dumb blonde. Her second nominee is Jen, for personal reasons. Chef Ramsay looks frustrated and curses in disgust.

Christina basically begs for mercy with a sobbing, but not unfounded, speech about how competent she is and how she will aim to be more respectful towards her colleague in the future. I think Chef knows how talented she is, and in fact, probably loves her for being an assertive commander. Jen, meanwhile, babbles about all her achievements and the editing team must've had a load of fun with that mess. Fortunately for these two very capable chefs, Ramsay believes in them both and says he won't stand to hire someone he does not believe in. Therefore, it is Sharon who exits the competition tonight. She says she won't give up on her dream of owning her own restaurant. And the ladies, after this, are heading for an all-out war. So make sure to check back next week, where you're in store for plenty of delicious food and even more delectable drama! -- James De Roxtra

Posted by Rachel Cericola on April 9, 2008 10:39 PM
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i'm so glad he didn't send Christina home. i agree she's the strongest female there..Sharon was just completely incompetent. she held her team back. Corey's a retard.

-- Posted by: Kev at April 10, 2008 5:15 PM

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