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American Idol: Omaha Auditions

Omaha? More like Oh-my-ha!

Enough with the corny jokes... Paula was missing from the opening of tonight's show. Can't say I blame her; in fact, I was downright jealous.

First up was Chris Bernheisel, who was so happy, he was "going to explode and happiness was going to go everywhere." He was also so gay that I thought that my TV was going to explode -- not that there's anything wrong with that. However, there was something wrong with his audition, whose highlight was crying in front of Randy and Simon, as well as his photo album filled with Kelly Clarkson.

As a parting gift, Simon promised Chris that he could host the finale for his Fox affiliate. His grandma and father looked completely unsupportive and camera shy -- possibly unwilling to show that they were, in fact, related to such a retard.

Jason Rich works the fields in Iowa. How he has never cut off an appendage in a tractor or other piece of machinery is beyond me, because this guy couldn't remember two seconds of his audition song. Even more magical, they let the guy through with his decent, but completely generic, voice.

We already hate Jason because he inspired a whole montage of boobs that couldn't remember song lyrics -- and all of them sucked.

Next up was Dixie Chick reject and arm wrestler Rachael Wicker. Paula showed up just in time to vote her into Hollywood and challenge her to what-appeared-to-be-a-drunken match. My guess is that was not Paula's first arm wrestling match that day.

Other notables of the night!
• Sarah Whitaker, a wrestler and possibly budding superhero. I wanted to see a grudge match between her and Rachael -- without having to hear either one of them sing.
• Barely into the show, Paula needed a break. Who doesn't? This gave Seacrest yet another job opportunity that he is not qualified for.
• The chick that thought she was vying for "America's Next Top Model." She should have to tear up her own ticket for saying that.
• David Cook, who represented the flood of wuss rock inspired by Chris Daughtry.

Johnny Escamilla deserves tonight's closing paragraph. Actually, his jacket does. The jacket inspired a hiccup, seizure or something foul from Paula. Johnny's opening notes sounded like he might have had potential. He blew all of that out of the water with the rest of the song, as well as his dance moves. I think I've danced better to that song in a toga while doing a keg-stand. See you tomorrow. -- Rachel Cericola

Posted by on January 30, 2008 12:06 AM
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