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American Idol Fodder

American Idol: Chicago Auditions

idol_freak.jpgA lot of people want to be famous, don't they? Tonight was the first episode of "American Idol," and I have to say, I was not disappointed at all.

OK -- I was in the opening. Thanks for the recap fellas, but we've all been there the entire time, or at least for most of it. I mean is anyone coming into the show just now? Cut to the chase. OK enough with my opening; on with the show!

This season's auditions opened in Chicago. The first victim was a guy that said he was "turned on by himself." Such a statement made me hope and pray that the guy would bomb. Thankfully, he didn't disappoint either. His bizarre medley was an awesome way to kick off a two-hour ear-gauging extravaganza. (And correct me if I am wrong, but when he returned the second time, wasn't that song from the movie "Trading Places?")

I appreciated the whole "not screwing around" attitude that the judges adopted for the first half of the episode. Who could blame them? After four seasons filled with failures, I have a pretty short attention span too. Of course, after a few contestants, the auditions seemed to drag out a bit longer. I mean, what was up with that cop's version of "I Shot the Sheriff?" Did he not know there were other words to the song?

A few quick shout-outs:

Favorite F-Up: I don't know about his singing, but number 897's Dorothy costume rocked even his own socks off -- just not his leg hair. It was a tough choice though between him and the Statue of Liberty guy. What we learned from this episode: Wear a get-up, get the boot.

Best Performance: This is a singing competition, right? I'd have to say I was a bit bored with the some of the performances. Is there some songbook somewhere that everyone picks from? I feel like I am hearing the same songs over and over again -- it's like one long season. I did like the twins though. I hope those guys make it through. It would make for great drama, if not anything else. I also hope the girl who Simon called (in so many words) fat makes it and bucks the cutie-pie Idol trend. She was very excellent.

One thing that hasn't changed: Paula Abdul seems to fall in love a lot. I guess the camera is playing into last year's scandal, but everytime a young buck belted out a crooner, her eyes seemed get all puppy-dog-like. All of the guys were like 17 though, so she had better check herself before the tabloids get in frenzy mode.

Overall, the show focused more on the suckey contestants versus the good ones. I guess if you get a handful of people from one town going to Hollywood, that's a good crop. However, it doesn't fill two hours. They got plenty of keepers, and spent the bulk of the time on the delusional. But isn't that what the first episodes are all about? -- Rachel Cericola

Rambling Thoughts from this Episode

Note: TV Fodder contributor Mac Slocum is chipping in with his own nonsensical comments. Feel free to skip this part if you have an aversion to bullet points.

• "American Idol" isn't good enough for the Brittenum twins. Seriously. They shouldn't limit themselves to a mere pop show. These guys are like Boys II Men circa 1994. They're the Isley Brothers for a new generation. They're friggin' dynamite and if they had an album on ITunes I'd buy it this second. Absolutely brilliant.

• I'd like to know the percentage of early-stage contestants who are mentally ill. I'd put it at 75%, at least. Exhibit A: David "Dr. Dolittle" Hoover.

• Speaking of David Hoover -- I believe that sending Super Dave to Hollywood violates the Constitution's "cruel and unusual punishment" clause.

• When Ryan Seacrest is 55, will he still frost his hair and wear trendy t-shirts? I say yes.

• Quote of the night: "I showed beef cattle." -- Contestant Amanda Rabideau.

I'll be working this phrase into my everyday conversation from this point forward.

• I've watched every single season of "American Idol," so I consider myself an AI expert (I'm very proud). Being an expert, I've determined that a key difference between younger singers (22 years old and younger) and older singers (23-30) is that younger singers rely on "vocal garnish" far too much. For the uninitiated, "garnish" is the series of yelps, "yeahs!" and extended notes that's often misinterpreted by the singer as a sign of "soul." Older singers tend to just sing. I like older singers much, much better.

• Hear me now: Crooners might make it to Hollywood, but they'll never win "American Idol." Ever. Michael Buble wouldn't even win.

• A few rules for "American Idol" contestants:

  1. Listening to music every day does not make you a good singer.

  2. Holding your hand to your ear to "maintain your pitch" does not make you a good singer. It does, however, make you a tool.

  3. Loving music does not make you a good singer.

  4. Gyrating uncontrollably will not distract listeners from your piss-poor voice.

  5. Dressing up like Queen Amidala or the Statue of Liberty or an Assyrian folklorist will not get you to Hollywood.

  6. No one wants to hear your "original" composition. (This doesn't apply to the Brittenum twins -- they can sing anything they want).

  7. Do not sing any of the "American Idol" songs ("A Moment Like This," "Flying Without Wings," "I Believe," "Inside Your Heaven").

  8. Along those same lines: You are not Kelly Clarkson. Don't try to be.

  9. Anyone serenading Paula will be shot on sight (I wish this was true).

• Do you think that Ukrainian girl sang the full version of "Bohemian Rhapsody"? Is it wrong that I hope she did? I'd pay good money to hear her vocal magic wrapped around "Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango."

William Hung was the Pandora's Box of "American Idol." His 15 minutes of pseudo celebrity opened the floodgates to the unwashed, untalented masses. Now, we're stuck with a six-week stint at the shallow end of the gene pool. Thanks William. -- Mac Slocum

Posted by Rachel Cericola on January 17, 2006 9:51 PM
Permalink |

I think that i should be an American Idol.... Simon couldnt turn me down...

-- 1. Posted by: Leanna Meckle at February 7, 2006 4:40 PM

I am a big fan of American Idol, and I could sing very, very good.If you give me this chance I would make you proud.

-- 2. Posted by: eunice dye at January 19, 2007 2:23 PM

i think you guys should have a kids idol it would really help me out with my singing career.

-- 3. Posted by: april at March 16, 2009 7:08 PM

If you are willing to buy a car, you will have to receive the personal loans. Moreover, my father usually takes a car loan, which supposes to be really useful.

-- 4. Posted by: SnowEssie at September 10, 2011 12:32 PM

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