Turns out, though, the pens are all caps, no ink. And Cooter is really James Riley, cruelly nicknamed by the President. The two conspire to get fired. They unearth a shameful government secret: a Gay Bomb (not sure how this works in war... but when it goes off, everyone turns gay), and Jack calls in a favor to convince C.C. to do something... (I didn't really follow this part, either) ... which leads to an important Homeland Security meeting, three months later (didn't they want to get fired immediately?!) with Dick Cheney present, in which Cooter knocks over a Gay Bomb, and... well...

I took two things away from this:

1. Somehow portraying Dick Cheney turning gay is like the current equivalent to a "Your Mama" joke. Because, of course, being gay is the ultimate fear of everyone on this show / the best punchline ever. Like when Liz didn't want to appear gay when she befriended the lesbian. Or when Frank "turned gay" for Jamie. Or when Kenneth and Tracy started acting like an old married couple. Or when Jonathan professed his love, in oh so many ways, for Jack.

2. Matthew Broderick, who played Cooter, might have thought he reached Gay Nirvana by starring in "Torch Song Trilogy," or with "The Producers," (speaking of, in reference to the movie version, Gay Bombs) or by marrying the star of "Sex & the City," but that was before he guest-starred on "30 Rock," and almost got to make out with Alec Baldwin. (Watch for the DVD extras.) Which surprises me, a little. I mean, Alec Baldwin made out with Jon Lovitz AND a dog on "Saturday Night Live," as well as that old guy "inhabited by" Meg Ryan in "Prelude to a Kiss." Surely making out with Ferris Bueller is better than all that.

******

Liz is sick to her stomach. Crying in the morning. She struggles to remember when she last had her, as Tracy puts it, "Woman times." Four pregnancy tests come up positive. She tries to consult with Kathy Geiss in lieu of Jack -- only to interrupt Kathy's "Matchbox Car sucking / iron deficiency" session.

So here's the deal: She slept with Dennis. Jenna figures this out immediately, after finding the positive pregnancy tests and Liz acts all secretive. Why Dennis, and not Floyd? Well, that's like asking, "Why the two steps forward, and not the three steps back?" Who needs forward motion? Jenna insists Liz see a doctor to verify. And then Dennis finds out. And then Liz, despite the Dennis / Daddy / Gagging at the Thought thing, gets excited that she might become a mother. And then she finds out it was a false alarm, brought on by bull semen in her favorite snack.

Still, it's all good. Liz realizes she wants to adopt a baby, and Jack offers to help her through the process. How exciting! That sounds so much easier than working things out with Floyd and just getting pregnant! And nothing like Tracy's vow to adopt, just a few episodes back! And it's a total twist on that movie out right now about the woman with the surrogate mother! Good work, Liz Lemon!

******

Kenneth - Wants to be an NBC page at Olympic Games, but Donny Lawson -- the Head Page and Kenneth's Arch Rival / Nemesis -- delays the memo. Still, with one day to write an essay, Jenna teaches Kenneth about the Back Door Brag. Slipping self-praise behind ordinary sentences. For instance:

Jenna: It's hard for me to watch "American Idol," because I have perfect pitch.

Or:

Jenna: You're so beautiful, in every way. I see myself in you.

But when that doesn't work, Jenna makes Kenneth a video essay, praising him (and herself). He almost gets delayed by Donny, but still turns his application in on time. Wins the job. Goes to the Olympics. Flirts with some Lucy Liu geisha / athlete. And then terrorists strike, and... Am I still watching "30 Rock"?? Did I turn the channel to an episode of "The A-Team" or something?

******

Tracy finishes his Porn Video Game. Frank plays it for three months. (Cue laughter.)

Best Lines

Jack: I have to go. It's time for my Freedom Search.

Tracy: Don't overthink it. I don't need another Judi Dench situation.

Liz: You had a three-way with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.
Jenna: That was two years ago!

Dennis: I know what "prenatal" means. "Pre." Prior. Before. "Natal." Ruined. Yeah.

Jack: A guaranteed disaster. Like eating a burrito before sex.

Frank: I got an "Additional Filth By" credit!
Tracy: You earned it.

Jack: You're going to get an urge to cut your hair very short. Fight that.

After Floyd calls, asking to hang with Liz while he's passing through town, Liz maps out every moment of their time together to burn upon Floyd's subconscious the impression that Liz is The Girl Who Got Away. This includes an entire soundstage, including makeup, costume, lights and special effects (the breeze from a carefully timed wind machine), not to mention a script of witty banter. They have dinner, and then stroll through the streets like characters out of "Sex & the City." At the end of the night, Floyd hails a cab, kisses her goodbye, and rides away looking over his shoulder, all according to plan.

"Poor guy got Lemoned, hard."

And then things falls apart. Floyd has flight trouble, and comes back, catching Liz off-guard, without a script and looking her worst. She tries to rally, but quickly confronts him over their falling off instead. They spar. He gets notified that his flight is back on, and has to go -- so they agree to talk later. But then, Liz passes him on the street, and discovers he lied about his flight in order to get away from her. They fight some more. Hard words are spoken. It's all more charming and funny than it sounds.

Now, over in the Writer's Room, everyone partakes of "Sandwich Day" -- that day, once a year, when the Teamsters bring in the most delicious sandwiches ever, purchased from their secret source. And when their sandwiches are gone, well, they eat Liz's, choosing to later face her wrath. She demands they replace her sandwich or she will cut them, which eventually leads to a drinking contest against the Teamsters, led by Jenna and buttressed by Kenneth. Against all odds, they win Liz a new sandwich.

Meanwhile, Jack contends with the fallout of Devon Banks appointing his wife, Kathy Geiss, as CEO. Jack is demoted to the 12th Floor, a walking graveyard. Despite all of his attempts to revive Don Geiss from his coma -- including pounding him and shouting in his face -- Jack fails, and begins to sense the winds of change. One voice tells him to leave G.E. Another suggests he cash in a favor with the current Republican administration.

Liz collects her sandwich, and runs into Jack, telling him how badly things worked out with Floyd. Jack advises her to rethink her choices while she's still young...ish. Liz rushes to the airport to catch Floyd while she still can -- but gets stalled at Security when the dipping sauce for her sandwich exceeds the 3oz limit. Vowing, "I can have it all," Liz chokes down the sandwich and races to Floyd. They reconcile, and he takes off, still holding the key to her apartment. On the news, Liz learns about Jack's appointment with Homeland Security.

Great Lines

Jack: You know who hates unicorns? Marky Mark.

Floyd: Let's go to dinner at the BBQ place where you puked.
Liz: You'll have to be more specific.

Tracy: I've still got my Hollywood sock!

Jack: You're (wobbles hand) young.

Liz: I wolfed my Teamster sub for you.
Floyd: Wait. No. Is that a saying?

Best Line

Kenneth: Alcohol! This tastes just like Hill People Milk! I've been drinking this since I was a baby!

Next Week: Is Liz PREGNANT? Or does she just have a Sandwich Belly?

Talk amongst yourselves. Chad will be back in action next week...

1. Jack learns of a local celebrity, a man who saved someone's life in the subway. Everyone is trying to book this "subway hero" onto the show, but Jack has an inside track: Liz. Why? Because the subway hero is one of her old boyfriends, Dennis, who she dumped after he was profiled on Dateline as a suspected sexual predator.

But that's all in the past. Supposedly exonerated, he's now a hero, so Liz obeys and asks Dennis to guest star on "T.G.S." He agrees, primarily because he believes Liz is interested in rekindling their relationship. The thing is... she might be. Sure, he disgusts her on so many levels. But he makes her laugh. One minute she's resisting his filthy charms, the next they're tag team bullying Toofer in the Writer's Room and going out to dinner. Jenna insists that Liz is "settling" with Dennis; Liz counters that her easy relationship with Dennis is, well, easier.

Even so, Jenna's argument nags at her, until Dennis proposes to her on a crowded street. She turns him down, initially drawing the crowd's disdain, but Dennis fritters away their support by arguing with Liz (and calling the crowd names). Jack changes his mind, and decides their guest star will be a bird that dialed 9-1-1, and Liz gladly dismisses Dennis. Still, he takes the news hard, so she tries to cheer him up, following him down to the subway... where he gets the idea of "saving" her in order to reclaim his notoriety. Unfortunately for him, the train takes another track before he can drag Liz in front of, and then under, the speeding cars.

Losers: Liz, Dennis, Toofer, Michael Bloomberg, Celebrity Gawkers, New York City Residents, "The Hours"
Winners: The Rescue Bird

2. Jack is also hosting a fundraising event for John McCain, and his search for the most prominent Republic stars prompts Jonathan to hunt down Bucky Bright (Tim Conway), a former television star forgotten by everyone but Kenneth. Jack rudely dismisses Bucky, but Kenneth gladly takes Bucky on a tour of the studio, hoping to hear stories about the good old days. And that's exactly what he gets: story after nauseating story, filled with disturbing details that Kenneth's innocent ears would rather not hear. Worse, Bucky won't leave. He wanders the halls all night, forcing Kenneth to host him another day.

When Kenneth can't take anymore, he begs Bucky to stop soiling his perception of early TV years. Curiously, it's only as Kenneth announces one of his bizzare errands for Tracy does he realize how little has changed over the years, and suddenly the tables are turned. Kenneth begins regaling Bucky with the way things are now.

Losers: Jonathan, Kenneth, Bucky, The Good Old Days, The Art of Storytelling, Innocence, Conan O'Brien
Winners: I can't think of any...

3. Continuing his search for Republican celebrities, Jack discovers an alarming shortage. He attempts to persuade Tracy into joining the Republic party, but is stymied by Dot Com's sage political insights. But after an incident with a screwdriver and electricity, Tracy hallucinates/dreams the Ghosts of Richard Nixon and Sammy Davis Jr. talk him into participating. He agrees to film a commercial urging African-Americans ("Blackmericans") to vote Republican, which even Jack agrees is ill-advised and futile. Finally they reach a compromise, and Tracy's new message is simply this: Don't vote. Go play pool instead.

Losers: Jack, Tracy, Republicans, Democrats, African-Americans, Anything on the receiving end of Tracy's Screwdriver, Richard Nixon, Sammy Davis Jr.
Winners: Pool Hall Owners, Dot Com

On the night of the season finale for "MILF Island," Jack's shameful reality series pairing 8th Grade Boys up against the, er, the titular women, on a "Survivor / Lord of the Flies" island, a Page Six blurb quotes a T.G.S. staffer as calling Jack a "Grade A Moron." Jack has two things on his mind. 1. To create a television series for Deborah, the breakout MILF star, hopefully to be written by Liz Lemon. 2. Find out who said that quote, and to do damage control before it jeopardizes his chance at replacing Don Geiss. Jack turns up the heat, and Liz soon finds herself with no way out.

Oh, and Pete gets... eaten by the snack machine.

The Good:

Jack: That Deborah is amazing. Have you heard her story? Before she was cast on "MILF Island," she was just a struggling actress living in L.A.

Jack: So you have seen the show, and why shouldn't you? It has sex, lies, puberty, betrayal, relay races. "MILF Island" reflects the drama of the human experience, and isn't that the essence of art?

Josh: Does he think it's me? Did he mention me?
Liz: No, I think you're safe, because I think he forgot that you're a person.
Josh: Yeah!

Kenneth's casual approach to his shocking "reveal," as well as his blow by blow recount to prove he was there: And then you asked him if he was single, and he said, "Don't worry about it," and then --

Liz: You and Jack Donaghy are the cause of my jawline acne.

* Kenneth's prayer / salute for Liz.

* Pete, foolishly risking his wedding ring (again) to call for help -- only to dial his own, empty office.

Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner.

Lutz: I'm not a dirtbag! This is from American Eagle.

* Deborah & Deborah!

Kenneth: The stress of this is making me awful sleepy.

Liz: You listen to me, L'il Abner. You keep your fried bologna hole shut.

* Liz & Deborah making declarations in unison.

Jack: Gilly chewed through his head gear...

Kenneth: Because everyone knows a lie makes your soul so heavy you can't rise up to Heaven.
Liz rolls her eyes.
Kenneth: And you don't look good in jeans from behind.
Liz reconsiders.

Pete: (From under the snack machine) Who won?

The Bad:

* No Jenna.

* The Frank / Lutz Dirtbag Alliance.

* "MILF Island" --

Next Week: Subway Hero!

The Ugly:

Jack: I'm waiting for a call from Don Geiss. Do you think he'll call me "Jackie Boy"? ... And I'll be in Erection Cove.

Liz: I don't think eating bugs to earn tampons... is art.

MILF Island Host: Heidi, we no longer want to hit that. Get off MILF Island.

Jonathan: (sarcastic) Where I'm from, we don't notice the heat.
Frank: That's interesting. I didn't know it was hot in Assylvania.

* The baby foot coming out of the baby foot thing? "They think I ate my twin." YUCK!

How I'm going to miss you! Whatever will I do with myself until a new episode airs -- it could be MONTHS! Maybe I will go buy your first season (since nobody bought it for me for Christmas, even though I dropped a LOT of hints), just to have something of you to hold. I guess I could watch your second season on the internet, but I'm not really sure if that would make you happy or not. Would the additional ratings help you win your writer's strike? Or would you just be mad because you didn't make any money in residuals? I heard you are seeking something like $.06 per internet viewing. Can I send you a check for $2.00 to cover myself during the interim?

Speaking of those second season episodes... If you don't come back until next season, I guess that makes Episode 210 your Second Season Finale. In a way, that's kind of cool; it's like you're suddenly a cable show, or you're using the British pattern of shortened seasons. On the other hand, at that rate you'll never make it to syndication. And I'm a little worried that whatever momentum you got from your many awards and constant media attention is going to dissipate. I hate to think that Tracy Jordan got himself in all that legal trouble and doesn't get a career boost out of it. But then again, if "Everybody Loves Raymond" can stay a critical darling for 10 million years, maybe there's hope.

So, if that was the Season Finale (and it felt like one), does this mean that nothing is ever going to change? Last season, Liz almost wound up with Floyd... and then didn't. Jack had a heart attack, and then got better. Tracy ran from the Black Crusaders, and then came back. And this time? Liz almost bought an apartment, but didn't follow through. Jack almost left his job for life with C.C., and then changed his mind. Kenneth almost ran home to Georgia, and then came back.

Remember "Cheers?" The best sitcom ever? Stuff used to happen -- and nothing ever changed. Characters got married, divorced, had children. Sam lost the bar, got the bar back, etc. The basis of the show was their workplace, just like you! Let's just say, for example, Liz DID get a new apartment. Is the integrity of the show suddenly at risk? No. And I get what you are going after: Liz is always miserable. Great. Hilarious. But I don't see why she can't buy the apartment, and THEN things get worse. Maybe the new complex is built on a sacred Indian burial ground. Or Edward Herrmann does a recurring guest role as the Board Member who thinks Liz has agreed to have an affair with him if she got the apartment. Or something is wrong with the building, and Liz loses all her money. See how easy? And then it doesn't start to feel like the characters are stuck in a holding pattern.

Don't get me wrong. You do so many things right. Like that whole thing with Kenneth and the coffee? Totally gave me the giggles, especially when he was lapping up the coffee as he was pouring it from the pot into his mug. Or Tracy's warning: "Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee's not like alcohol. It's addictive." (Is that funny because it's true? Wish I knew why I was laughing...) And I like the way you bring little things back, like "Blurg!" The way you reference previous episodes, like the shout out to Floyd, and Liz's cringing admission to reporting Raheem to Homeland Security. And your use of guest stars? Inspired. (Usually. Let's talk.)

About this Gladys Knight incident... Now, I know this is your first attempt at a musical, and it wasn't bad. But it wasn't good. Please don't do it again. I feel bad being so direct, but really, it's for your own good. You only have one cast member who can actually sing (if you have more, shame on you for leaving them out of this), and there are other ways for Jenna to be featured singing. More importantly, you had SUCH a great opportunity, and you wasted it. You hired Gladys Knight -- and then didn't have her SING? Are you CRAZY?! I saw her live last year (for the third time), and she sounded phenomenal.

Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. Tracy, Grizz and Dot-Com as Pips might have worked, had Gladys stepped in instead of Jenna (and had it not felt... slightly racist; there, I said it. I'll take it back when the same three guys, plus Toofer, pretend to be the remaining Backstreet Boys). AFTER that point, Jenna could have tried to steal the spotlight from Gladys. But to relegate Gladys to one lame joke? Even worse, that whole Pips replacement thing isn't true and it isn't funny; Gladys went solo in 1988. Aren't you supposed to be cutting edge, 30 Rock?

(Yeah, I know, she lets Bubba follow her around and do a small set, but all his clowning around lets her take a break without requiring an intermission.)

Okay, I'm sorry. I had to get that off my chest. Don't be sad. Although I hate to say it, there's just one more thing. Liz and the increasingly self-destructive phone calls. Now I loved "Swingers" as much as the next Los Angeles bar crawler, but that joke has been done to death. (Like those commercials out right now, where the guy went out on some date and he's leaving a message the next day? Even that has a twist in that he gets to keep re-recording...) You could have done better. That's all I'm saying. Next time, okay?

But when will next time be? Not soon enough for me. Take care, 30 Rock.

Your Pal,
Chad

Liz's family arrives in NYC to celebrate Christmas. Mr. and Mrs. Lemon are tremendously supportive of both their children. In Liz's brother Mitch's case, that means sustaining his belief that it is still 1985, the day before a terrible skiing accident that will trap his memory in time. Sure, he's 40 now and has lost over two decades of his life, but there appear to be some benefits, like still living at home, and occasional sex with Jenna, which he's not obliged to remember.

With Liz, the family deception is a bit more suspect. Back in 1985, they stood behind their daughter when she sued her way onto an all boys football team, even though they lost the season as a result. Nowadays, they are so proud of her, as her mom tells her while touring the studio. "They built all of this because of words you wrote!" she crows, gazing with fondness on the "Who Farted?" set.

It's that sort of blindness that sets off Jack's radar. But even so, he's still charmed by the Lemon family and their unusual ways, and he is soon joining them for ice skating and family photos. Also, they provide him an excuse to get away from the surprise visit of his mother Colleen, but not for long, as she hunts them down and quickly sniffs out all the Lemon disfunction. During the course of one dinner, Colleen reveals the tension in the fragile Lemon marriage, cures Mitch (plunging him into despair), and takes away Liz's support net over being in her late 30's, unmarried and childless. On the other hand, Jack and Colleen grow closer.

Meanwhile, Tracy, due to being late for a court appearance, is hooked up to an alcohol-monitoring anklet, right before the highly anticipated annual Ludachristmas event. Even so, he decides to attend anyway, but his plans are foiled when Kenneth, aghast at the staff's attitude towards the holidays, traps them in a room to teach them the true meaning of Christmas. Kenneth's efforts go nowhere, until he shows them a video of orphans rejoicing over their presents -- blocks of wood -- but the turnaround quickly gets out of control, as the staff riots against a Christmas tree. The good news is, Tracy enjoys a couple of drinks and doesn't get caught, due to the drunken chaotic Christmas party at the Ankle Monitoring Central.

The Best Moments (an All Alec Edition):

Liz repeats her parent's praise, that she's both beautiful and intelligent.
Jack: Were they taunting you?

Jack prepares a snack pack for his crotchety mom from the craft services table, casually passing it within range of a sickly, coughing call girl.

Genuinely delighted by a gift bucket of popcorn, Jack looks up with delight.
Jack: It has cheese and butter and caramel. All my favorites! How did you know?

Jack repeats Liz's parent's praise (of him), recounting all the things that are true:
Jack: ... and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.

1. The Jenna / Tracy Rivalry -- Finally! An episode about the actual workings of the show within the show. It's been awhile since Jenna has been jealous of Tracy, and that always cracks me up. Liz is most interesting when she makes things happen and solves problems, and her litany of ways she has secretly coddled Jenna the Diva was almost as good as Jack's one-man therapy session for Tracy. Almost.

2. Toofer's Frank Persona -- I was a little worried Frank was going to get another bee in his bonnet, like being "gay for Jamie," when he wouldn't give up the Harvard thing. But when Toofer showed up as Frank? Instant classic moment. Loved it. Loved it! (Too bad they couldn't sustain it. See below.) Still, for one, bright, shining moment, Toofer crystallized as a character, and made a worthy foil to Frank.

3. The Lunch Room Confessions -- First of all, I thought when the man stood to his feet after Jack's speech, we were going to get some variation on the "slow clap." So, it was a Gimme for the moment to make this list when they did something, anything, different than that. His confession wasn't so funny, but "I'm black?" Kills me just to type it.

4. Jenna's Entourage -- In concept, unfortunately, more than execution. But I wouldn't mind if they stayed around and mixed things up with Grizz and Dot Com. How about a reverse on this week's plot? Grizz and Dot Com make Tracy miserable when they see how well Jenna treats her entourage. (Tina, give me a call if you want to use that. After, you know, the strike.)

5. Kenneth's Date Index Card Questions -- Oh, Kenneth. I used to think I wanted a House Elf, like Dobby, but without the awkward subservient thing, or the sock fetish. Someone to mix my Manhattans but still be my friend, you know? But now I think I'd rather have an NBC Page.

What Didn't:

1. Those Commercials -- Not a big fan of "The episode has started!" commercials, only to find out that it's a false alarm, and I'm being sold something. (American Express cards, and? I shut off my brain when the selling started.) Also, going from a commercial starring the "characters" on the show, followed by the show itself, followed by commercials where Tina is herself working on a show just like this one, is just a bit too meta, and if I can be honest, it cheapens the show. They walk a fine line already when they simultaneously mock / promote G.E. products, etc. The commercials steal the show's thunder, and if there is one thing I can't abide, it's stolen thunder.

Okay, fine. There are a lot of things I can't abide. Just add that to the list.

2. James Carville -- The obviousness of the Democrat dating a Republican parallel to Jack and C.C. disappoints. Maybe the set-up was meant to be a nod to the Truman Capote / Marshall McLuhan moments in Annie Hall, but James Carville? It would have been a lot more fun to have, say, Annette Bening show up as herself (and an old friend of C.C.'s) and pretend to be a raging Republican forced to keep her politics secret in order to stay married to Warren. The agony of her plight then drives C.C. to take action. (But I digress. Tina, call me. I've got plenty more good ideas!) Point being, there's not much of a joke to start with. And what was all that stuff about, "Do it Cajun style?" I clearly don't know enough about J.C. to get that... but for as many times as he made the comment? Whose fault is that?

3. Run-down Rivalry -- Three mistakes here. First, Liz not caring about the feud. It was funny for one joke, but it took steam out of that storyline. If she doesn't care, why should we? Second, running out of actual steam in the feud. Again, funny joke, but self-defeating. And there were soooo many ways it could have gone and sustained energy, like both of them suddenly getting dates while in their new persona, etc. Third, Mr. Carville's advice to, "Change your story." What do they pick? Josh's haircut? Weak.

That leads us to my last two nitpicks.

4. Josh Just... -- Standing there? Clearly it was his episode to add as little as possible. (Does the supporting cast draw straws as to who gets the two or three extra lines per episode? Or can they save up one line per show and cash them all in at once?) When Tracy rips off Jenna's dress, why doesn't Josh get to "save" her? Or, if he has to be the punching bag for Frank and Toofer, they pick on his haircut? Lame-o. Especially given Frank's mockable behavior over Jamie. This is what the writers gang up on?

5. Missed Opportunities -- Last week it was the whole "surge" thing. This week, "Change your story." Here's my beef: The political parody is good, but the pay-off's aren't big and funny and incisive. I either want more punch to them, or don't bother. And while we're at it, the whole Janet/Justin thing, with Jenna's dress being ripped off was a great set-up, and could have used a whole episode alone, with Tracy and Jenna having to deal with the repercussions of a black man ripping off a white woman's dress as "entertainment." Isn't that exactly the kind of story you would expect, given the premise of this show?

Okay, enough from me. What were your favorite moments and lines? And am I way off base, or right on target? Finally, guess who comes back next week! (No, really. Guess.)

Tracy coaches a little league team from Knuckle Beach as part of serving some community service time. Jack meets the ragtag underachievers, and quickly gets involved, determined to turn them into winners: New uniforms (thanks, Sheinhardt Wig Company!) and equipment. And when Tracy gets in the way? A new coach: Kenneth. Things quickly go awry, and the kids revolt, turning on their benefactors. Jack apologizes to Tracy, via Kenneth, and enlists his help in employing a "surge" to lead the kids to victory. There are some immediate gains, but will it be enough to make it through the upcoming election year? Oh, wait. What was I talking about again? Hmm. Let's move on to Liz.

Liz gets asked out by Jamie, the sexy new coffee boy. Jenna advises Liz that being a "cougar" is both acceptable and hip, so Liz begins dating the boy toy, while dealing with a jealous Frank, who is suddenly "gay for Jamie." Despite their 17-year age difference, Liz enjoys her new fling, encouraged along by Jack, who knows a thing or two about May/December romances. But the romance comes to a sudden end when Liz meets Jamie's mom -- not because the woman opposes the union, but because Liz does. See, Liz and Jamie's mom, Beth, could almost be twins. (Get that whole Liz / Beth thing?)

The Laughs:

Tracy introduces the Little League Team.
Tracy: A group of fine young men, and one special lady.
(Off "her" response.)
Tracy: "Dijonnaise" is a boy's name?

Jack: What are your dreams?
Kid #1: When I grow up, I'm gonna do vending machine maintenance.
Kid #2: I'm gonna get shot by a cop, and sue the city.
Kid #3: I'm gonna be a talkative doorman, with a drinking problem.

Kid #1: Someday, I'll have an office like this... to clean!

Liz: Give it up, Jenna. You're talking to an ultra-sound.
Jamie: Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here.
Liz: What? Sexy? You are. Shut up.

Frank: That guy's adorable.
Lutz: Frank's gay!
Frank: Maybe I am gay... for that little peach.

Kid #2 (upon seeing Jack again): Hey you guys, it's that king we met!

Frank: Dude, I totally forgot. I bought you this sweater. It's slim-fitting. They call it a French Cut. And it wasn't on sale or anything.

Frank: I'm gay for Jamie.
Liz: That's not a thing. You can't be gay for just one person. Unless you're a lady, and you meet Ellen.

Jenna: Cougars. Hot older ladies, pouncing on their young prey. There was a whole article about it in Vanity Fair, the one with Crisis in Africa cover. God, it makes me so sad that more people don't know about cougars.

Jamie: They just changed bartenders. I want to go see if this guy will serve me.

Jack: Where did you two meet, Amber Alert?

Jack: To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically, you're a catch. You've got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

Jack: Why are you so against fun in your life?
Liz: I'm not against fun. I went up on my roof the other night.

Jack: He's hot, poor, and eager to please. Never give out your home phone number. And if you set a curfew, stick to it.

Jenna: I guess you're not the only cougar in town. This is Aiden. Aiden's a freshman at NYU. Aren't you, Aiden?
Aiden: Sure. Got any change for a soda?
Jenna: But you just had one.
Aiden: Whatever.
He skates away on his Heely's.

* Despite not being interested in Frank, Jamie accepts all his gifts... including that awful painting.

Frank: Jamie, I can't take this Sam & Diane thing anymore.

Jamie: Look at us. We look awesome together.
Liz: Yeah. Now I know why Demi Moore does this.
Jamie: I get that reference!

* When Jenna breaks up with Aiden, he repeats everything she says back at her. Then he "almost" touches her, keeping his finger just far enough away that he's not actually touching. Then he uses her own hand to slap her.

Jack meets C.C. (Edie Falco) at a political event, and they go back to his place and do things on his ottoman. Turns out, she's actually Celeste Cunningham, a Congresswoman (D-VT). She is equally horrified when she learns he's that Jack Donaghy (who works for NBC, a subsidiary of the Sheinhardt Wig Company, the corrupt business she's trying to bring down). But they can't keep away from each other, and decide to have a top secret affair.

Liz suspects her new neighbor, Raheem, is a terrorist. He won't shake her hand; he has maps pinned up all over his apartment; he's good with electronics and he receives lots of suspicious packages. Plus, she catches him filming top secret physical training in the park. She turns him in... and then learns he's in training for "The Amazing Race." When the feds finally let him go a week later, he's angry, with a desire for spectacular revenge.

Kenneth loses a pair of Jack's $2,500 tuxedo pants, then agrees to a series of horrifying challenges to raise the money for a new pair. He succeeds, buys the replacement, and turns them over to Jonathan, who puts them in Jack's top secret closet -- filled with dozens of pants.

Now, let's get to the good part: Practically every single moment. The best:

* Tracy practicing his Rerun Dance while Jack and Liz wait to die from Northrax.

* Jack asking to look like Ronald Reagan. The barber's response: "Right, like that's a stretch."

Jack: Your hair is your head suit.

Liz: Have fun! Don't get peer pressured into invading Iran.

Kenneth: Let me just take this plastic off... 'cause I saw on "Martha Stewart" how we're all doing everything wrong.

Kenneth: Uncle Butch is right. I'm just a stupid country bumpkin with great skin and soft hands.

Liz: Raheem... That's my mother's name.

Liz: Pete, you know me. I never make assumptions about race. Remember, I asked that black guy if he had seen, "Sideways"?

Jack (To Tom Delay, whose hair he covets): This rich chestnut color is natural?

C.C.: Whiskey, straight up.
Jack: I'll have a white rum, with diet ginger ale and a splash of lime.
C.C.: Wow, I never would have pegged you for a University of Tennessee sorority girl.

Bartender: Sir, here's your Nancy Drew.
Jack: For men it's called a Hardy Boy.

Kenneth: Yes, Obvious Twins.

* Jack singing and playing the piano on, "What the World Needs Now."

* C.C. waking up in bed, still wearing her pearl necklace.

Jack: And thank you for letting me try that thing I tried. I'm sorry... I dropped you.
(Hmm, Jack -- was it the Helio Castroneves last second of the dance routine kiss / drop? Because that's just wrong.)

* The Orange Children, victims of the Sheinhardt Wig Company dumping wig dye into rivers.

The scroll on MSNBC: Anne Heche leaves husband for pony.

C.C.: I'm helping Hillary retool her Universal Health Care platform.
Jack: I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

Jack: I'm up for Chairman, and I don't want to risk that. They give you a helicopter, you know.
C.C.: How about me? How can I look those little Orange Children in the eye?
Jack: They have no other documented health problems.
C.C.: They're orange.

C.C.'s Lifetime Movie Title: "A Dog Took My Face and Gave Me a Better Face To Change the World."

Jack: You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So... present. So grateful.

Jack: We're just on opposite sides of a feud.
Tracy: Oh, I get it. Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans. Mm, hmm. I been there! I'm black, she's white. I'm black, she's light-skinned black. I'm black, she's 17.

Kenneth: No, sir. We Parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised, but we are proud.

* After eating really old ketchup for money, Kenneth absent-mindedly slurps the last bit off his finger.

* Raheem moving in for a hug with Pete. Pete raising Raheem's hand for a more acceptable hand slap.

* Jack watching C.C.'s TV movie, with such great concern.
Jack: Get the gun away from the dog! What's wrong with you people?

Lutz: Ape attack! Ape attack!

* Frank altering his Sheinhardt T-shirt to say, "Pig Company" -- but still wearing it anyway.

* The lipstick kisses all over Kenneth's face and collar, clearly related to the little old lady who thinks he's her dead husband challenge.

Jonathan (regarding the pants Kenneth bought Jack): Oh, you must love him as much as I do!

* Tracy thinking he's some sort of Cyrano to Jack and C.C. -- and hiding in plain sight behind the garbage can, offering suggestions.

Jack: What you said to that dog about soul mates? I think I might be that dog!

Raheem: They put the electrodes on my testicals, Liz.
Liz: Who did? Oh! You remembered my name.

What the Title Means:

"Somebody to Love" is C.C.'s ring tone.

1. No Central Character -- The usual quartet of Liz, Jack, Tracy and Jenna, all took a step back from the spotlight. You'd think this would mean lots of room for a secondary character to take center stage, and to a degree this is true, as we learn that Pete is still rooming with Liz while on the outs with his wife, Paula. Liz and Jenna become suspicious that Pete is having an affair, indicated by the little things: Lipstick containers in Liz's apartment. Pete's jaunty new Justin Timberlake hat. The leather jacket he's begun wearing, with accompanying body spray. Pete denies the affair. Eventually, Liz walks in on Pete and... Paula. "Turns out I get off on the sneakin' around. Who knew?" Paula explains, while stradling her husband in Liz's bed. "How's your mom?" Later, Pete apologizes, but asks Liz to allow the shenanigans to continue. It's the first time he and his wife have truly dated, since getting married and becoming parents in quick succession. Liz reluctantly agrees.

2. Guest Star Overload -- Paula isn't the only new character introduced in this episode. We also meet Jared (David Schwimmer), an out-of-work actor hired to play "Greenzo," Jack's eco-friendly mascot. (Why didn't David play himself? His imdb filmography says he's been working since "Friends," but being the only Friend to have kept a low profile, he could have had more fun at his expense.) Jared gets a little too Method-y playing Greenzo, and aggravates Liz when she's supposed to write him material for a recurring gig on "Today," forcing him to improvise. After Meredith Vieira interjects a succinct point about the environment, Greenzo turns to the children gathered around. "Meredith just taught us an important lesson. It's rude to interrupt people." Jack warns Jared to, "Get on board, or you will wake up on that island with Phil Donahue and the electric car." Forced to fire Jared, Jack brings in Al Gore (who knew Jack when he was an intern for Ted Kennedy; Jack hushes Al) for some promotional spots, but Greenzo returns and brings chaos to the set. (Are you with me so far? That's four new characters / cameos, not counting Cerie's four Dutch cousins.)

3. Storyline Whiplash -- If Al Gore's sudden appearance didn't throw you (and if he wins an Emmy for that scene, so help me, I'm going to, I don't know... switch back to regular light bulbs? Turn left more often?), there's the whole matter of Kenneth's party. Apparently, Kenneth throws sad parties which only Liz attends, and he plans to do it again. Tracy takes pity on him, and spreads a rumor that T.I. is attending, a lie which quickly balloons to include Fall Out Boy, foxy boxing and... Don Geiss? Even Jack attends, in the hope of schmoozing with his boss. But the party spirals epically out of control, despite none of the rumored attendees showing up (except those Dutch cousins). Kenneth scolds everyone for their outrageous behavior, and swears never to have another party.

Okay, so what's the problem with all that? Maybe I'm being too hard on this show, but for Most Outstanding Comedy, I expect a little more. Specifically:

* Instead of giving half the show over to a bunch of one-shot guest stars (who admittedly, for the most part, have been funny), why not integrate the existing characters more fully into the show? Over on "The Office," which also has a large cast, every character is so sharply written that even just one line each per episode scores. Yet on "30 Rock," we're on the fifth episode of the season and Pete, Frank, Cerie, Toofer, Josh, Grizz, Dot Com, Jonathan and Lutz have barely registered. Did you see Toofer sulking at the party, with nothing to do?

* Speaking of the party, that was a lot of build-up to something that essentially happened off-screen. Kenneth's scolding was funny... in concept, but not getting to see that moment at the party where things went off the hook, with only glimpses of the chaos that followed? Not satisfying. All that talk about who was going to be at the party -- and then the issue is that the party got out of hand? (And, oh yeah, they already did the same story last year when Tracy held the party on that yacht.) The party was the perfect situation to allow these characters to shine, and interact.

* Then there was the whole "Green" thing. How meta was that? The network is already in the midst of a green-themed week (not to mention forcing "30 Rock" to recycle old NBC Thursday night sitcom stars; how soon before Ted Danson, Bill Cosby and Michael J. Fox show up?), and Jack's character comes up with Greenzo... and then Al Bore, er, Gore, shows up and suggests they do exactly those things? Blurg. I'm surprised he didn't add, "And then I can show up, poke fun of myself, and summarize the whole experience."

Worse, all the references to being green is tiresome (surprisingly, even more so than those "Bee Movie" commercials) and condescending (they don't take it seriously, but we should?). Either talk about it directly, or don't talk about it at all. To shoehorn it in, while the characters mock the whole idea (see "My Name is Earl" for the most succinct argument against this concept)? Good intentions, bad execution.

Best Lines

Jared: Greenzo's voice is wry & wise, but also very sexual.

Jared: What is in that styrofoam cup? The earth's blood?

Jared: Do you even bother to compost your own feces?

Newly anointed winner of the G.E. Followship award (for working a microwave product placement into a sketch), Liz Lemon originally rejects the accolade, until she learns that it comes with a ten thousand dollar prize. Accepting her oversize check, Liz contemplates the idea of investing the money, revealing that she keeps "Like, twelve thousand in a checking account." Jack is horrified. "Are you an immigrant?"

Flush with cash, Liz giddily attends a book signing for, "I'm Only Laughing Because It's Funny," by Rosemary Howard (played by Carrie Fisher), who as a writer for shows like "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" and "Donny and Marie" (all the political material) was an early influence on Liz. Although Liz babbles like a crazed fan, Rosemary suggests they go to lunch so Liz can get it all out of her system. The two women writers hit it off, leading Liz to offer Rosemary a job as a guest writer on "T.G.S. with Tracy Jordan."

Rosemary enchants the writers room with her stories, and encourages them to push the envelope. Her most well-received sketch idea is to put Josh in blackface, and then have Tracy call him the N-word. Liz rejects the sketch, and gets criticized for being a corporate drone. Rosemary goes over Liz's head and talks to Jack, who promptly orders Liz to fire Rosemary, and warns her, "Don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again." Liz stands up for Rosemary; both are fired.

Liz discovers what her future holds when she visits Rosemary's apartment in a very scary part of town (Jack warns her after the fact: "Never go with a hippie to a second location."), decides that a life of pushing the envelope is not for her, and returns to the warmth of a corporate embrace. Rosemary, feeling abandoned, cries out after her. "Help me, Liz Lemon. You're my only hope." Liz vows to start sending Rosemary $400 a month.

My Thoughts: Carrie Fisher was terrific, and I liked the overall story. I thought Liz would wind up as Rosemary's stalker, so it was great that it took another direction.

Best of Times, Worst of Times... Good Times?

After mangling the national anthem on television, Tracy turns to Jack for help. Jack promises to clean up Tracy's mess, stating that nothing he could do would be a problem they couldn't take care of... except dogfighting. Tracy immediately assigns Grizz and Dot Com to involve him in dogfighting.

Jack learns of Tracy's rebellion, and soon discovers that Tracy has Daddy issues. Jack forces him to meet with a therapist in order to work out how to forgive someone he doesn't know. Through role-playing -- in which Jack plays everyone in Tracy's family, including Tracy -- Tracy is finally able to accept authority.

My Thoughts: Now, that story may sound a bit dry, but I think Alec's tour de force scene was the most hilarious moment in this history of this show. I can't do it justice by quoting it. Just trust me and go watch it, if you haven't already.

Page Rage

Jenna accidentally burns Kenneth's jacket. She hunts down the Head Page, Donny Lawson, in the basement, and tries to get the jacket replaced. Donny takes the opportunity to give Kenneth a demerit, something he's been dying to do in order to have reason for shipping Kenneth off to CNBC.

Eventually, Kenneth and Donny have a "Page Off" -- a contest involving physical stamina and NBC trivia. With their hands tied together in a very West Side Story moment, the two begin to rumble, until Pete arrives, denounces the whole contest, and demands that Donny provide Kenneth a new jacket.

My Thoughts: Ehh. The acting was funny. The story? It seemed like a good idea, but it didn't really go anywhere. It feels like they are setting up a romance (or a crush) between Kenneth and Jenna, and creating a rival for Kenneth, but neither direction really took off.

Best Lines

Rosemary: We would have done that on "The Mandrell Sisters."

Jenna: If I can't be Monique fat, I have to be Teri Hatcher thin.

1. Will James Lipton be brave enough to ask about the phone message Alec left his daughter? He usually avoids personal topics, but Alec might want to discuss parental alienation. Here's hoping James doesn't run away from the good stuff, like he did with Jack Lemmon and alcoholism.

2. Will we finally get clarification as to who was the first guest? Imdb says it was Alec; James often says it was Paul Newman. Is this an issue of taping date vs. air date?

3. James usually skips the bad movies. Since his last appearance in 1994, Alec has managed to maintain his dignity in most of his many, many roles, such as his good scenes in the otherwise unwatchable, Elizabethtown. But there have been a few disasters, such as Alec's directorial debut, The Devil and Daniel Webster, which he has since removed his name from. What film might James skip? My money is on The Cat in the Hat, with The Adventures of Pluto Nash a close second.

Having learned that he's in the running for GE Chairman, Jack hires a private investigator named Len (Steve Buscemi) to scrounge through Jack's past for scandal. If Len can find it, so will Jack's bosses. And what does he find? Nothing much. A questionable membership in a country club; Jack quits. An undocumented worker named Manuelo; Jack deports him. An admirable sex life; Jack preens. Oh, and then there's that massive collection of cookie jars.

Yes, Jack not only collects cookie jars, but he regularly attends conferences in Sarasota, Florida under the alias Victor Nightengale and wins prizes for his collection. Given the choice of becoming the next Rudy Giuliani (who was forced to dispose of his precious antique wooden dolls before running for mayor of New York) or John Kerry (windsurfing; enough said), Jack allows his cookie jars to be loaded into a van. But when he learns they are to be dumped and torched, he balks.

Eventually Jack finds the perfect candidate to adopt his collection: Kenneth. Where everyone else sees "MOM" written across the front of Jack's most favorite cookie jar, and assumes it represents Jack's unresolved issues, Kenneth understands that it's only an upside down "WOW." Meaningless... right?

Enormé

Thrilled with the new level of celebrity that her weight gain has engendered (including fan letters from truly, um, er, hardened criminals), Jenna becomes the spokesmodel for Enormé, the #1 fragrance for plus-sized women. But when she loses her appetite, the pounds begin to melt away, putting at risk not just her newfound fame, but an upcoming starring role as Ms. Pac-Man in the live action Atari movie.

Jack assigns Kenneth to keep Jenna eating, but despite all his attempts, Jenna no want food. Turning to Liz for help, she advises him that women turn to one of two comforts when emotionally worked up: food or sex. Liz writes him a list of comments designed to drive Jenna into a feeding frenzy, and it works... except Jenna is the "wrong" kind of woman (as is Liz, who learned the truth after an ugly encounter with Jackie Mason). Jenna tries to satisfy her other kind of appetite -- with Kenneth?!

Hard as Nails

Even though Tracy and Angie are reunited, she doesn't quite trust him yet, and determines to be with him every minute of the day. Except when she isn't. And during those times, she asks Liz to be her watchdog. Liz happily agrees, until Tracy runs off to a strip club during Liz's watch. Angie quickly susses him out, sniffing him over and declaring the results: "Enormé and brass polish."

Angry at Liz, Angie completely takes over for Tracy, which results in Grizz and Dot Com writing his sketches. For the sake of the show, Liz tries to pacify Angie with a consultant credit on T.G.S., but Angie bristles with offense by the suggestion that she can be bought so cheap. Liz calls her out, having been coached by Jack how to take Angie down. (Sorry, Liz; you would have been totally destroyed.) Tracy, forced to behave like an adult, intervenes, at which point Angie is revealed to also be the wrong kind of woman. Liz quickly backs out of the room, but not before witnessing too much of Tracy and Angie getting physical. "Oh no, you guys start with that?"

Best (Offensive) Lines

Enormé Commercial: Make him chase the chunk!

Pete: Oh! You want a scary black lady to be nice to you? Tell her you like her nails. It always works for me at the bank.

Len: You wish it was a gay thing.

Jack: Now you're thinking like a businessman.
Liz: A businesswoman?
Jack: No. I don't think that's a word.

Instant Classic Moment:

Liz: Can you walk and talk?
Kenneth: Usually...

Kenneth begins staggering.

Kenneth: ...but now you got me thinkin' about it.

Tracy awaits delivery of important mementos from his estranged wife, Angie, another step in their mildly dramatic break-up. Items, such as the key to Gary, Indiana. Or the gold record for Tracy’s novelty hit, "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah." Angie finally arrives. Drops off the goodies. Awkward! And only more so when – Kenneth?! – hits on her. (But it’s only a set-up. Something about Grizz and Kenneth hatching a plot to get them back together. Please don’t ask for details. If you’re that hungry for a puzzle, go unravel a Soduko.)

The plan backfires. (Or does it? Again. All twisty-turny with the plot. Who wrote this, David Mamet?) Tracy sends Kenneth over to Angie’s place on Da Crib Avenue, to, um… Let’s just say, "sassify" her. Which somehow led to one Puritanical kiss and lots of weeping. (Courtesy of Kenneth, naturally.) Plagued by nightmares of Kenneth in an eye patch, serving turkey legs to Angie while Grizz administers back rubs, Tracy arrives to save the day. Reconciles with Angie. All is well.

(See? I put Tracy first, and it’s just wrong. It feels wrong. But I can’t keep putting his inferior storylines last, now can I? Oh, Tracy, please. Demand. Better. Storylines.)

Prime Time Rib

Jenna (I love you! There. I said it.), still struggling with her Off-Broadway weight, goes on the Japanese Porn Star diet. "I can only eat paper. But I can eat all the paper I want." When that still doesn’t work, Liz tries to reassure her with some feministical mumbo jumbo about sexist body double standards. (Oh, you mean like being forced to see Mr. Nicholson’s genuine, flabby bottom in, "Something’s Gotta Give"? Or maybe she meant Ms. Bates bobbling hot tub breasts in, "About Schmidt.") Jack tells Jenna outright. She’s fat. Sends her to Dr. Spaceman. He lets her know she’s in the scientifically designated, "Disgusting range." Asks how she feels about Crystal Meth. Or… tooth retention. Finally, he refers her to the Bradshaw Clinic for some crazy surgical options. Jenna knows the place. "Where the Olsen twins were separated!"

(Um, no. Where Carrie detoxed out Mr. Big.)

Before she goes, though, Frank pitches a sketch idea: Jenna coining the catchphrase, "Me want FOOD!" Liz finds the suggestion repulsive. Insists that Jenna will continue as always, playing her usual repertoire of characters. Leading Jenna to suggest she can dance on rollerblades. But her center of gravity is off, and when she wipes out (literally) during a skit, she’s forced to trot out Frank’s suggestion. Which does, actually, draw laughs. Jenna begins getting recognized on the street. T-shirts abound, as "Me want FOOD!" catches on.

Forced to decide between a surgery that includes liposuction, bone shaving, and organ reduction, or increased celebrity, Jenna chooses wisely. "I’m keeping it," she declares. It, of course, being fat.

New York Stake

Liz Lemon spends the episode in denial about having chosen the big city over her big man. She doesn’t miss Floyd. She’s not vicariously holding on to the wedding dress. "I’m going to sell it online, but my internet is being all weird." Jack compares her procrastination to her (not) putting together her home office furniture, made by – get this:

Blërg!

The furniture company is Liz’s swear word?!

Ikea!!

In the end, Liz puts the office furniture together. And when it naturally doesn’t work, she props the desk up with a cleverly wadded up wedding dress.

Top (Dog) Sirloin

Jack, hiding his secret heart attack, is forced to enjoy a $54 steak by watching Liz inhale it. (That would be like asking me to slowly savor: This. This. Or this.) Attempting to get his act together, Jack reads the warning signs in a Yanni Illustrated interview that his boss, Don Geiss, is headed for retirement, and wants to be chosen for the position. But before he can whistle, "N. B. C." (as Kenneth does, polishing the masthead letters in question), Jack’s gay nemesis – Devon Banks – arrives, romancing Don Geiss’ unmarried, aging daughter, and securing a dinner date with Don and his wife.

Jack and Devon sniff each other’s butts, as usual. Jack discovers where the dinner is being held, and arrives at the restaurant, coincidentally. Devon pumps his kryptonite, Kenneth, and learns about Jack’s health scare, then turns the table by forcing red meat, red wine, and -- at a BBQ -- sports on Jack. In return, in order to out Devon, Jack dangles the proverbial carrot in front of him by getting a strapping young friend to wrestle Devon while half-naked.

Finally, Devon chokes on a hot dog, and Jack blackmails a truce for some reciprocal Heimlich maneuvering. Devon still tells Don about Jack’s heart attack, but Don hints to Jack that he’s still in the running. Don wants to retire, and do things like get to know his secret family in Canada. Jack relaxes, reaches over his (more than) double standard belly and attempts to swipe a burger from a little girl.

Best Food Lines:

Liz (regarding her security blanket wedding dress): Oh. I’m supposed to put it in the closet with ham fat all over it?

Kenneth: This grilled cheese has mayonnaise in it. What?

Devon: I could never eat this much meat! Jack: That’s not what I hear.

Final Thoughts:

It’s official. This show would rather give a great line to a guest star than to use the players they’ve got. Two episodes in, and the whole supporting cast has yet to factor. My suggestion is, "fire" the writing team, and don’t go back in that room until the actors playing writers inspire the real writers to serve up some juicy characters and dialogue.