True Blood: Evil is Going On - Review

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Really? That's it? That's the True Blood Season 3 season finale? I feel a little like a guy who gave his best girl chocolate and flowers, took her to a nice restaurant and a movie, went for nice romantic barefoot stroll on the beach in the moonlight, and got a kiss on the cheek at her door. Yeah it was fun and all, but, really? That's all?

Okay, sorry. That's enough of the kvetching. Let's get to the recap. We're gunna have quite a wait until Season 4 starts, so let's enjoy what we got...

I'm going to go back to my previous style and just relate the show as it happened. No sticking with the individual storylines this week.

The ep opens with Eric and Russell doing a slow simmer in the morning sun. They both drank them some Sookie blood and went strolling hand(cuff) in hand(cuff) in the morning sun in the parking lot at Fangtasia. Eric's getting him some sunburn and seeing things. Like Godric. Godric's looking all Obi-Wan glow-y and talking about peace and love and forgiveness and flower power and hippie girls are easy. Eric wants Godric to shut the hell up so he can enjoy Russell's char-broil.

Sookie is inside Fangtasia, dreaming a little dream about E.T.'s ship. At least that's what it looked like to me. And I just saw E.T., so I know what I'm talking about. Bill wakes her up so she slaps him. (And to think they just got married.) Sookie won't let Eric fry (she sees the good in him), so she runs outside, white-flashy-things the handcuffs off of Eric, and drags him inside out of the sun. In the process she sends Russell flying across the parking lot. Looked painful to me, but Russell seems to enjoy pain. Eric's in bad shape, so Sookie offers up some of her fey blood and it fixes Eric right up.

Tara is hanging out with Sam enjoying an awkward morning-after breakfast of eggs and a side order of why-did-we-do-what-we-did fried in bacon grease. Tara is friggin' sick and tired of all these supernaturals she's been dealing with and just wants a do-over. Sam figures this is a good time to tell her he's a shape-shifter. Admittedly, we guys have no sense of timing when it comes to discussing these things with women, but Sam's timing was especially poor. He shoulda knocked off another piece and then came out with it. Live and learn, Sam. Lie and learn.

Eric's feeling chipper now that he's got a bellyful of Sookie's fairy blood. He did listen to Godric. He goes out to the parking lot, wraps a silver chain around Russell's neck, and drags him inside, tying him to the stripper pole. I hope they wiped it down between sets.

Sherriff Andy Bellefleur is chatting with the DEA. There's going to be a raid on those lowlife V-peddlers over in Hot Shot. Whatever happened to moonshine? Jason wanders in and tries to get Andy to call off the raid. Andy turns Jason down, so Jason scurries off to parts unknown. But I suspect there will be an attractive blonde were-panther at his destination. The DEA heads out of Bon Temps leaving Andy looking like the last kid chosen at a pick-up game.

Hoyt's going to work. At least he's headed to work with every intention of working. But his mom Maxine and ex-girlfriend Summer have other ideas. They're going to do an in-the-middle-of-the-road intervention. Maxine threatens to cut off Hoyt's...inheritance...but Hoyt's not worried. He don't need no granny panties anyway.

Lafayette's been having a bad time of it since he and Jesus did V. He's hallucinating all over the place. First it was Jesus and freaky-deaky monster voodoo masks, now he sees Sam looking like he fell in a blender. He gives Jesus a call. Jesus ain't busy, he's just working. He'll be right over.

Russell is still silver-chained to the stripper pole. Hope his hepatitis shots are up to date. He's playing Monty Hall and looking to play Let's Make A Deal with Sookie. Mansion? Done. Seven million dollars IRS-free cash? Done. Bill and Eric's heads on a platter? Done. Silver spray in the eyes? Done. Throwing Talbot's Slurpee-looking remains down the garbage disposal? Done. Russell is having a bad day. And Russell is not used to having bad days. Sookie just giggles maniacally behind the bar.

Jason and Crystal are trying to get the unwashed hordes in Hot Shot to clean up their act. And themselves. Stash the V, and for God's sake and take a bath. Crystal's ex-fiance, Felton (not sure I spelled that right) comes along and he wants no part of this act-cleaning business. He kills Crystal's dad and kidnaps Crystal at gunpoint, leaving Jason as the Mayor of Dogpatch.

Sam heads over to his row of rental houses to find Terry weeping on the stoop. Sam apologizes to Terry for being such a d-bag. Terry says Ah that's okay. He's just so happy that Arlene didn't lose the demon-spawn of a baby in her womb. Sam goes over to Tommy's house only to find that Tommy checked out and left no forwarding address for Sam to send his security deposit. Sam heads back over to his bar and discovers that not only is all the money in his safe gone, but the damn safe is gone as well. He snatches up a gun and goes looking for Tommy.

Tara goes to her mother's house and finds her mom Lettie Mae and the good reverend on the couch rocking rolling (" my Kiss records out...") getting their get-it-on on. Tara says Eeewww, and gives her mom what looks like a good-bye-have-a-nice-life hug.

Back at Fangtasia, the whole crowd is getting together for what looks like Sookie-fest 2010. Russell is already there (still chained to the stripper pole), Eric, Bill, Alcide, and Pam show up. Eric and Bill haul Russell away. Things don't look good for the King of Mississippi.

The DEA shows up in Andy's office just as he's gazing longingly into a vial of V. They've got Jason in handcuffs, telling Andy that Jason tipped off the unwashed in-breds over in Hot Shot, and all they found over there was a couple of pick-up trucks on blocks, bad dental hygiene, and two dead bodies.

Jesus shows up at Merlotte's. Lafayette is cowering in a corner. They bro-hug. Lafayette wants the deranged picture show in his head to stop. Jesus confesses to being a brujo - a witch - and Lafayette asks for eye of newt for the chili.

Tara is playing with scissors. She kind of holds them near her throat like we're supposed to think that she's going to plunge them into her carotid artery, but no, she's going all Britney, cutting her long beautiful hair to shoulder length so now she looks more like Whitney than Britney. Sookie has come home now that her Russell-sitting duty is over, and they make up over a slice of pie. Tara gives Sookie what looks like a good-bye-have-a-nice-life hug, and tells Sookie she's going to see Lafayette. But I think we know better.

Bill and Eric are over at one of Alcide's construction sites. Well, so is Russell, but he's silver-chained in the bottom of a foundation footing. They start pouring concrete in on top of him, imprisoning him for a hundred years, looking a whole lot like Han Solo in carbonite. As the concrete pours, Bill flings Eric into a matching pit and starts pouring concrete on top him too. That cannot be good for Eric's hair. Bill makes a call, and imitating Eric's voice, orders Pam's death as well.

Hoyt has a surprise for Jessica, and no, it's not in his pants. He's buying a house for them to live in. This is one of the few truly happy moments for them both. At least as long as they don't go in the other room where what looks like a voodoo doll is lying on the floor. Maybe the previous residents didn't clean up after themselves so well. Or maybe Maxine - buying a high caliber rifle - left it for them to enjoy.

Bill is trying to get into Sookie's pants...I mean good Bill explains to Sookie that he will kill everyone who has tasted her blood. Eric, looking fairly clean for having just taken a concrete bath, shows up on the front porch and tells Sookie that Bill was sent by Queen Sophie from the get-go to manipulate Sookie. It was Bill, Eric explains, who set Sookie up with the Rattrays in Season One when she got beat up and damn near killed in the parking lot of Merlotte's so Bill could "rescue" her. Sookie is royally pissed and tells them both - in no uncertain terms - to get the hell out of her house and her life.

Sam is driving along an old dusty dirt road in pursuit of Tommy. He finds Tommy and demands his money back. Tommy gives him an over-the-shoulder Eff You! And walks away. Sam whips out his gun and shoots. We kow Sam is a good shot from three feet away. How good a shot he is from thirty feet we will not know until next season.

Sookie is emotionally spent and physically exhausted. She heads over to Grans' grave for a bit of a chat. It's mostly one-sided, but that's okay. Sookie's fairy friend Claudine beams in, and in a big glowfest, Sookie and her fairy friends flash on out of Bon Temps and into Season Four.

Queen Sophie-Anne shows up at Bill's place looking to stick a straw in Sookie's neck. Bill tells her that ain't gunna happen, and oh by the way, your ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower. They both pop fangs, float up into the air and start a vampire death tango that will likely end badly for one of our vampires who isn't in the opening credits.

And that's it folks. End of Season Three. I still don't know exactly if or how TV Fodder will continue. But I've enjoyed writing these little blurbs of mine, and I want to thank you for spending some of your time reading them. Take care, and be excellent to one another. See you in the funny papers. Or in another life, bruthuh.

Tags:   Evil is Going On, True Blood, True Blood Finale, True Blood Recap, True Blood Review